The person we were designed to become

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the October 2012 Conference.

Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this session was really good. When I read it this time I saw I'd marked a paragraph from it nine years ago, the one that says:

Doesn’t it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?

Yes! We all know I struggle with this, and his reminder to be grateful and embrace what's happening right now is as timely as it ever was. But this time I also noticed this paragraph:

Let us resolve to follow the Savior and work with diligence to become the person we were designed to become. Let us listen to and obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit. As we do so, Heavenly Father will reveal to us things we never knew about ourselves. He will illuminate the path ahead and open our eyes to see our unknown and perhaps unimagined talents.

There is nothing that remarkable about this; I think about it quite often in regards to my children. I want so much for them to become who Heavenly Father knows they can be! But it was strange this time to suddenly think it about myself! I tend to think of myself as just…already who I am. I have lots of things I'd like to improve at, and many parts of myself I hope I can change, of course—but on some basic level I've kind of assumed I already know what there is to know about myself. So it is surprising to suddenly think about "unknown and perhaps unimagined talents" I might have. It's strange to think I may still not have had some experience, or not held some calling, or not have learned some lesson, which is going to be definitive for me! Or to think that someday, I might be a quite different person because of what I've learned or how I've grown. I make confident statements about myself like "I've never been good at…" or "I've always been someone who…"— but I never really consider that I might be wrong about some of those things! It's astonishing to think that Heavenly Father could actually reveal me to, now, at my age, "things I never knew about myself." And it's kind of exciting, too. Because I really do want to become the person I was "designed to become"!

Other posts in this series:

I know that my redeemer lives!—by Rozy

A few hours in New York

It's a long (and probably boring) story. (That should be the title of this blog.) But in a nutshell, we thought we might not manage a senior trip with Malachi at all, and then we thought we might manage to find a time this summer before his mission, and then we thought we might do it in December, and then we thought we couldn't possibly fit it in in the six days between the end of Sam's BYU classes and the Finals he'd need to be back for, and then suddenly it was Thanksgiving and there were cheap flights available to Greece in a few weeks, but on the right days, and it seemed a little crazy to go so far, for so few days, on such short notice, with so much else going on…but then we thought about how GREAT it has been to spend uninterrupted one-on-one time with our older boys at this age precisely when they DO have so much else going on. And we decided life was not going to get less hectic anytime soon, and that a short time in Greece would still be pretty amazing, and we bought the plane tickets!

(Traveling) beggars can't be (traveling) choosers. So the logistics of the travel were not ideal. But late flights and long layovers meant that we would find ourselves in New York City with ten hours to kill before our next flight. And on Malachi's birthday, no less! So we researched "long layovers in NYC" and saw that plenty of people manage trips in to the city from the airport, and then it seemed it might be fun to have a little extra leg of our trip to enjoy!

We planned a few things we might do, but the best part came totally unexpectedly the day before we left. Sebastian texted me saying he was in Washington D.C., heading to New Jersey.

(Time out for an explanation about Seb. Now that he works for United Airlines, he has free flight benefits again. He can fly free on United anywhere and anytime there are open seats on standby. So every time he has two days off, he just flies wherever he can around the country! He has no spare money, and he's not even old enough to rent a car yet, so he does not actually VISIT those places around the country. He has gotten good at sleeping in airports. But he goes to all these different airports and watches planes and sees what he can see on the flights in and out, and he loves it! He will sometimes fly all the way across the country and immediately all the way back just for fun! So I am never surprised anymore to get a text saying "Hi, I'm in Honolulu!" or "Hi, I'm in New Jersey!")

I said, "Oh, we are going to be in New York tomorrow! I wish we could see you!"

Seb said, "I have tomorrow off too. But United doesn't fly to JFK."

Sam (who went to Newark on his mission) said, "It's an easy train ride across the river from New Jersey."

And so it was settled! Seb slept in the airport (actually I think he rode around on a few more flights first and then ended up back in Newark) and then rode the train in to meet us at Union Station in New York the next morning!

It felt like so much could go wrong. But nothing did. We found Seb. We had fun with him all day. Then we said goodbye and rode different trains off in different directions, and we both got back to our airports in time for our flights out. A miracle!

I don't know anything, really, about New York. (This is not a "what to do in New York City" post!) I did go there one time when I was young, and we saw the Statue of Liberty and maybe some of Central Park. But Sam had been there as a missionary (just for a special Mission Conference or something) so he knew sort of where things were, and some of the things we could see. Other people gave us good recommendations too. But we didn't really care what we did besides just walk around and see what it was like to be there! 

We tasted some pastries at Dominique Ansel bakery for breakfast (Malachi's birthday breakfast!) and everything was really good!

Saw lots of famous buildings.

The pretty Christmas tree by the ice rink at Rockefeller Center! I've seen that in movies.

It was pretty cold. But not HORRIBLY cold. With a hat and scarf on, it was bearable.

We just peeked in the lobby here

Inside a fancy department store…

…which sold dresses like these!

A tiny, bike-powered Amazon truck! I knew my boys would like that.

St. Patrick's Cathedral all decorated for Christmas

We had super good pizza for lunch. Sam has missed this kind of pizza, which is almost (but not quite!) the same as the "New Jersey pie" he liked so much on his mission.

We rode the train down to the World Trade Center and 9/11 Memorial, which was interesting to see. I remember learning about the new building, One World Trade Center, with these boys back when they were little and so interested in skyscrapers!

It's so tall!

Reflecting pool, surrounded by names from people who died in the Twin Towers.

We stopped for hot chocolate at a Belgian chocolate place…the owner was speaking French with someone and it made me miss Quebec!

By the time we rode the train back to the airport, picked up our bags, and got back through security, the sun was starting to set. The city looked so pretty in the pink sunset light!

We finished up Malachi's Birthday Cake (angel food cake from our celebration the previous night—I stuffed the last of it in my bag before we left, and it somehow survived well enough for us to eat it while waiting for our flight to Greece!).

And that was our NYC adventure on Malachi's 18th birthday! I'm so glad we got to spend it with him and Sebastian, doing such fun and interesting things!

Seek guidance one day at a time

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Young Women's Session of the April 2012 Conference.

I had a hard time finding a talk that really spoke to me this session, and I'm not sure why. But I did like this, from President Monson:

I have spoken over the years with many individuals who have told me, “I have so many problems, such real concerns. I’m overwhelmed with the challenges of life. What can I do?” I have offered to them, and I now offer to you, this specific suggestion: seek heavenly guidance one day at a time.…Each of us can be true for just one day—and then one more and then one more after that—until we’ve lived a lifetime guided by the Spirit, a lifetime close to the Lord, a lifetime of good deeds and righteousness.

I think it's interesting that this is the advice he gave for people with such big problems. And it's not like I haven't heard "take things a day at a time!" before, but this time I was thinking about how often my deepest fears and discouragements aren't even quite about what's happening now, but what I fear is going to happen. Hard things feel insurmountable when my thoughts start spiraling toward "…and this is only the beginning!" or "…and this is only going to get harder!" or "What if something even worse comes from this?" or "I'm struggling even with this, so imagine how much I'll struggle with the next part…" 

And it's silly! Completely unhelpful! We can't even really pray about these imagined future challenges (although I'm sure we can, generally, ask for peace and future guidance) because they're so looming and nebulous! So I think this is actually really good advice because we can pray about today. We can pray about the specifics we're facing right now. And we can get the "heavenly guidance" President Monson promises about those things, enough to take the next step and then the next. Specifically seeking help for what is hard today can calm my fears enough to reassure me that if tomorrow does bring something harder, Heavenly Father will be there for for that too.

Let them feel our confidence

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2012 Conference.

I have thought for a long time that Doctrine and Covenants 121 applies to anyone in a leadership role, not just those with a priesthood office. It seems to me extremely relevant advice for motherhood and fatherhood as well as priesthood leadership. So I noticed Elder Larry Y. Wilson thinking along those same lines:

The Doctrine and Covenants explains that the right to use the priesthood in the home or elsewhere is directly connected with righteousness in our lives: “The powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.” It goes on to say that we lose that power when we “exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of [others], in any degree of unrighteousness.”

This scripture says we must lead by “principles of righteousness.” Such principles apply to all leaders in the Church as well as to all fathers and mothers in their homes. We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit and to whatever authority we have from God when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. We may think such methods are for the good of the one being “controlled.” But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously. When setting firm limits for another person is in order, those limits should always be administered with loving patience and in a way that teaches eternal principles.

We simply cannot force others to do the right thing. The scriptures make it clear that this is not God’s way. Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent. Learning opportunities are lost when controlling persons pridefully assume they have all the right answers for others. The scriptures say that “it is the nature and disposition of almost all men” to engage in this “unrighteous dominion,” so we should be aware that it’s an easy trap to fall into. Women too may exercise unrighteous dominion, though the scriptures identify the problem especially with men.

I have always been a pretty firm "limit-setter" with my children, which is fine, I think, and worked well when they were young, but in the last ten years or so of parenthood, I have been learning to be more aware of the side of "unrighteous dominion" as well. It's so easy to almost bully little children into something. To scare them into obedience. I haven't meant to do that, but I have done it. But I see more and more how ineffective that is in actually changing their hearts, helping them learn to want to obey. So I am trying to find ways to take this advice:

Our children are in our homes for a limited time. If we wait until they walk out the door to turn over to them the reins of their moral agency, we have waited too long. They will not suddenly develop the ability to make wise decisions if they have never been free to make any important decisions while in our homes. Such children often either rebel against this compulsion or are crippled by an inability to make any decisions on their own.

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.

Elder Wilson tells the story of his daughter wanting to play a sports game on Sunday, and how he and his wife let her pray about it and make the wrong decision even though they knew it was wrong! And she learned from it! I'm not sure I would have had the courage to allow that as a young parent. But they didn't just agree to it on a whim—they as parents prayed about it and felt that they should let the daughter decide. I think I could be more vigilant at looking for opportunities like that for my children.

And then Elder Wilson shares this great quote from Elder Eyring:

If we are going to help those in our stewardships make the all-important link with heaven, we must be the kind of parent and leader described in Doctrine and Covenants, section 121. We must act “only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.” President Henry B. Eyring has said, “Of all the help we can give … young people, the greatest will be to let them feel our confidence that they are on the path home to God and that they can make it.”

Let them feel our confidence! I want to do that. But sometimes I actually don't have that confidence for them. I don't know if I should just fake it at that point? Or, probably better, pray to see them like God does, so I don't have to fake it. And if I have enough faith in His plan, I think it will get easier and easier to believe that my children are His children, and that He will make sure they receive the experiences they need to make it home to Him.

Birthdays, pretty skies, and describing oneself "candywise"

We celebrated the December birthdays on the wrong days, as it seems we always must in December, even separating the Birthday Dinner from the Birthday Cake and the Birthday Presents in some cases. But we did celebrate them as best we could! I could hardly spare a moment to marvel about HOW squishy little Malachi grew from a sweet Gussish toddler to a smart, if skeptical, Malachi-ish ADULT. Nor to give in to the sadness that little Gussish Gus will someday be…someone else entirely; no one knows who!

Happy Birthday to the both of them, at any rate!

———

What else filled in the cracks of December? Well…we attempted these pasta snowflakes for Family Home Evening one night. I expected them to be…better. It seemed like it would be fun to figure out the symmetry and put them together, but in reality it is very hard to hot glue pasta together in any sort of precise fashion.

Oh well. It was kind of fun, anyway.

———

Sitters

Matching backpacks

Matching pajamas

Putting up my mom's Christmas tree for her

Clementine's shark (Finny) and her picture of him with his family

Picture Ziggy drew for Clementine

Elephant convention

———

Daisy asked a boy from seminary to the girls' choice Christmas Dance (this picture is of her and Junie consulting about his response) and he was just the WORST. (Junie and I are still mad at him.) He responded lamely when she first asked him ("Who are you?"—rather than "Yes, I would LOVE to go!") and then, after accepting by text, he lamely texted again a week later, "Sorry, I can't get work off." Bad! Even if he couldn't, he could have acted SAD about it. So. Hmmph to him.

BUT, luckily Daisy got the best story out of it, which is as follows:

When the boy first got her poster asking him to the dance, and texted her to figure out who she was (which he should have already known 😡), he said, "If you don't mind my asking, what do you look like?"

But Daisy accidentally read that as "What do you like?" She thought it was a weird question, but finally decided he was asking so he could answer her with a candy poster or something.

So she answered, "You mean, like, candy-wise?"

HAHAHAHAHA. Imagine if you asked someone what they looked like and got that reply?

Anyway, the boy came back with a vague and clearly confused answer. "Yeah, the candy is good."

So then she texted back, "Probably Twix or Milky Way."

And then Junie read through the texts and said, "Daisy, he didn't ask what do you LIKE. He asked what do you LOOK like!" Hahahaha. We were all sitting there in the room with her and we were DYING of laughter. Malachi thought she should have just brazened it out—clarified that she was kind of long and brown and caramelly-looking, and then responded, "And what candy do YOU look like?" But she didn't think the boy would appreciate that humor, and she is probably right. Blast him. 

Daisy was super embarrassed for a few minutes, but eventually she couldn't help but laugh too, and then we were all VERY funny about various replies she could have sent and what the boy would have thought of them. It was great fun. (She did eventually text, "Oh haha! Sorry I read that wrong!"—but it was at the same time the boy had sent another text, so he probably never even knew what she was talking about. For all we know he is STILL under the impression that Daisy likes to describe herself using candy. I hope so.) 

The happy ending to all this is that Daisy ended up being set up with her friend's nice friend instead, so she still went to the dance and had a great time.

This new boy's mom volunteered to do Daisy's hair and makeup, which was so nice. And I was gone that day so I couldn't have helped Daisy anyway. But, unfortunately Daisy thought the make-up his mom did for her was a little too intense, so she said she ended up feeling more "weird" than "pretty." Ha! But she did look so pretty! (Just like a Twix! Or a Milky Way!) She wore one of my old dresses I wore in college and always liked. So sparkly!

Cute Daisy! I love her! And I love laughing with her!

———

And now, some sunsets and sunrises.

This cloud looked like a flying saucer, or a huge eye!

———

And a few Christmas lights for good measure! These were at Thanksgiving Point. They have some cool displays there!

I really liked these glowing tulips.

And this starry tunnel.

These changed colors when you walked on them!

This looked like snow flying through the air, and then I was sure it was feathers, and then finally we realized it was foam! Good idea.

These Moroccan Lanterns remind me of a store we liked in Quebec.

There is an interesting "Lehi's Dream" sculpture garden at Thanksgiving Point, culminating at this Tree of Life. I liked a lot of the ideas the sculptor had, even if her conception of Lehi's Dream wasn't quite what I expected.

There was even a little show with jets of fire!

The End.