Exert ourselves, repent, and choose God

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the October 2014 Conference.

I thought Elder Christofferson's talk about agency was one of the clearest explanations of that doctrine I've ever read. I'm not sure I can explain why—maybe I'm just able to comprehend it better than I was a couple decades ago—but it helped me understand the nature of agency in ways I never have before. For example, this:

God will not act to make us something we do not choose by our actions to become.

It's so simple but has such deep implications. Why won't God save everyone? Why does he give us commandments? Why must there be degrees of glory in heaven? All those questions are answered by this one principle: God will not act to make us something we do not choose by our actions to become. I think it's beautiful. Because God loves us so much, he wants us to truly choose what and whom we want to be. He learns (or we learn) what and who we want to be by what we choose to do. Since He knows we are children and don't know how choose good sometimes, He gives us commandments as a guide to becoming like Him, and if we choose to act in harmony with those, we will become like Him. Everything depends on what we choose—not, as Elder Christofferson points out clearly, through our own work, because we can do nothing of ourselves—but through God's help in every moment we choose to follow Him:

Truly He loves us, and because He loves us, He neither compels nor abandons us. Rather He helps and guides us. Indeed, the real manifestation of God’s love is His commandments.

It’s amazing to me to realize that God’s commitment to our agency, to letting us choose what we truly want, is SO great that he will not act against it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to let us do what we want. It’s that he wants SO much to let us do what we want that he will absolutely not intervene to make us into someone we have not CHOSEN to become—even if that means letting some of our potential go unrealized. But at the same time, He makes it abundantly possible for anyone who even slightly does want to become like Him, to absolutely have every tool to do so.

Then Elder Christofferson explains how justice and mercy connect to our agency through the linking principle of repentance:

The gospel of Jesus Christ opens the path to what we may become. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His grace, our failures to live the celestial law perfectly and consistently in mortality can be erased and we are enabled to develop a Christlike character. Justice demands, however, that none of this happen without our willing agreement and participation.…

Justice is an essential attribute of God. We can have faith in God because He is perfectly trustworthy. …We rely on the divine quality of justice for faith, confidence, and hope.…

It is compelling evidence of His justice that God has forged the companion principle of mercy. It is because He is just that He devised the means for mercy to play its indispensable role in our eternal destiny.…

Even so, “according to justice, the plan of redemption could not be brought about, only on conditions of repentance.” It is the requirement of and the opportunity for repentance that permits mercy to perform its labor without trampling justice.

Christ died not to save indiscriminately but to offer repentance. We rely “wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save” in the process of repentance, but acting to repent is a self-willed change. So by making repentance a condition for receiving the gift of grace, God enables us to retain responsibility for ourselves. Repentance respects and sustains our moral agency: “And thus mercy can satisfy the demands of justice, and encircles them in the arms of safety, while he that exercises no faith unto repentance is exposed to the whole law of the demands of justice; therefore only unto him that has faith unto repentance is brought about the great and eternal plan of redemption.”

To me this suggests that repentance is not a determined wrenching of one's self to just stop being bad, or a sort of superhuman act of change needed as I've sometimes felt it must be. Instead it's more like repentance starts with a tiny crucial moment of choice, (a "space granted," if you will) during which all we must do is turn our hearts to desire God. The moment we wish/will/desire to follow Him (activating our agency to make even the tiniest effort), Christ's mercy and enabling power flood down to help us continue, at which point we can exercise our agency again to obey what the Spirit has given us and thus receive even more aid.

This was another part of the talk I thought was amazing: 

To those who believe anything or everything could be true, the declaration of objective, fixed, and universal truth feels like coercion—“I shouldn’t be forced to believe something is true that I don’t like.” But that does not change reality. Resenting the law of gravity won’t keep a person from falling if he steps off a cliff. The same is true for eternal law and justice. Freedom comes not from resisting it but from applying it. That is fundamental to God’s own power. If it were not for the reality of fixed and immutable truths, the gift of agency would be meaningless since we would never be able to foresee and intend the consequences of our actions.

Maybe that seems obvious (I’ve heard the “the law of gravity works whether you believe it or not” analogy before) but that last sentence—"If it were not for the reality of fixed and immutable truths, the gift of agency would be meaningless since we would never be able to foresee and intend the consequences of our actions”—is something I’d never thought about with God before. There must be fixed truth in the universe or there is no virtue in choosing good—since there would be no way of telling what “good” was and no guarantee that choosing “good” wouldn’t end up making lots of people miserable! Of course, as imperfect beings it is possible for us to choose what we THINK is good and end up making people unhappy with it because our understanding is flawed. Or people might be unhappy even when we do good to them, because they aren’t in the right place to receive that good yet. BUT for God, who knows all truth, we can count on the fact that when he says something is good, it IS good and will lead to good. We can count on His laws leading to exactly the outcomes He says they will lead to. And therefore we can exercise our agency FOR good or FOR bad, and our choice is meaningful (even if the immediate consequences aren’t exactly what we intended or predicted).

This summary just feels so right to me:

I am under no illusion that [any of this] can be achieved by our own efforts alone without His very substantial and constant help. “We know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” And we do not need to achieve some minimum level of capacity or goodness before God will help—divine aid can be ours every hour of every day, no matter where we are in the path of obedience. But I know that beyond desiring His help, we must exert ourselves, repent, and choose God for Him to be able to act in our lives consistent with justice and moral agency. My plea is simply to take responsibility and go to work so that there is something for God to help us with.

Of course I've always known agency is an essential part of God's plan. And I've learned in recent years the counterpoint of how little we can affect the agency of others! All of us will have and be what we ultimately desire to have and be. But I love the interweaving principle here of God helping us discover what we really want to have and be, of God helping us experience different ways of having and being so our choice is an informed one—even of God giving us strength and power beyond our own so we can taste some of the fruits of having what He has and being what He is long before we actually earn them. Knowing that the smallest, most fumbling efforts to "exert ourselves, repent, and choose God" will lead to all that help (for anyone! No matter how lost or stubborn!) is one of the most hopeful doctrines the gospel offers.

Wherefore murmur ye because that ye shall receive more of my word?

(Forgive the slight irreverence of this post's title; I was referencing my post about my previous book!)

Well! Amidst six months in Quebec, two weddings and an engagement, three missionaries, and a million other things that make up our real lives, Rachael and I somehow finished our second book! It took us four years this time (I think our last book was three; at this rate we only have a couple more left in us before we become too senile to write) and it included two rather lengthy periods of getting burned out and basically giving up on it altogether. But the beauty of having a co-author is that you can't just wallow in your own discouragement forever, and one or the other of us always eventually said, "Shall we just try a slight rewrite of this part…?" and got us going again.

This book is a Scarlet Pimpernel re-telling, in the same magical "world" as our other book—though it takes place before that one and isn't connected to it. After all this time, both Rachael and I still like it, which is more than I can say for some things I've written!

Goodbye, Ky!

I've been to two funerals in the past four days (both for people I had connections to, but knew only slightly) which has given me lots of opportunity to reflect on how we remember or encapsulate a person's life. I think I've said before that I notice more and more how much the talks at funerals say about the person giving the talk. We can't help but understand others in relation to what we are experiencing, and what we currently need to understand. I don't think that's a bad thing, but it's just interesting to think that in spite of all my efforts to act and be a certain way—"who I am" to another person will also depend on the lens that person is looking through.

Someone to share her load

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the General Women's Session of the April 2014 Conference.

I remember this conference! It was the first time they let eight-year-olds come to the women's session, and it was a "General Women's Meeting" instead of Relief Society or Young Women. I thought it was a great idea and was sad that Daisy wasn't quite old enough to go with me—"but," I thought, "there will be plenty of time for us to go together in the years ahead." I'm still sad that's not how it worked out. I miss the Women's Session, and the Priesthood Session too, for that matter. And the Saturday Evening Session too, now! *sigh* Actually…now I think of it, did I GO to this session? No, surely not. But my dear friend's mother, Bonnie Oscarson, was in the young women's presidency at this time, so I know I went to one of these!

From the talks, I particularly liked this quote from Sister Oscarson's talk "Oh, How We Need Each Other.":

Mary was a young woman when she was informed of her remarkable mission to be the mother of the Son of God. Initially it must have seemed to be a heavy responsibility to bear alone. It was the Lord Himself who provided Mary with someone to share her load. Through the message of the angel Gabriel, Mary was given the name of a trusted and sympathetic woman to whom she could turn for support—her cousin Elisabeth.

This young maiden and her cousin, who was “well stricken in years,” shared a common bond in their miraculous pregnancies, and I can only imagine how very important the three months they spent together were to both of them as they were able to talk together, empathize with each other, and support one another in their unique callings. What a wonderful model they are of feminine nurturing between generations.

"It was the Lord Himself who provided Mary with someone to share her load." I think that is so beautiful, maybe because I too have been the recipient of such a gift. It's hard to find true friends, close friends, as an adult. And, of course, that's okay. I have actually been surprised at how much "semi-close" friends—people with whom you connect with in some way, but maybe only over a specific thing, or for a specific time period like when you are in a calling together, or mostly on more surface-level topics—can still bless your life. Not everyone has to be a "best friend," and relationships can be valuable (I'm learning) on many levels. I'm sure the Lord could have, and did, provide Mary with lots of good neighbors and relatives who could help her with babies and give her marital advice and lend her cups of cornmeal. BUT! I just love it that He ALSO provided a specific person, a special person, a true friend to lighten and share her load—someone Mary may not have predicted. Someone she may not have even connected with very well before…but someone who knew her, understood her, and could comfort her in this specific circumstance, at this time when she needed support so much.

I don't know where Mary's mother was at this time. Maybe she had died earlier. And how did Mary find and decide to visit Elizabeth? How did she know this relative was the very person she needed? It would be so interesting to know more of that story, but ultimately it doesn't matter because

1. God knew the friendship Mary needed, and

2. He led her to it.

It's meaningful to me because God has done the same for me. I am blessed to have a happy marriage. Because of that, and for all the normal busy reasons we all have, I perhaps haven't worked as hard to seek female friendship as I should have. Maybe, having grown up with all brothers, I haven't known quite how to find it. But God has been so good. He has dropped sisters into my lap right when I need them. Through callings, through proximity, and even through far-off virtual connections, he has ensured I have love and support and comfort through sisterhood. He has let me see His hand working through my friends. These women aren't always in my ward Relief Society, they aren't always my assigned ministering sisters, but they are sisters in the gospel and I know that's just as God intended it. I love Him for wanting us to need each other, and I love Him for leading me to these dear friends I might not have found on my own. "Oh how we need each other!" It is so true!

Family in Quebec

Ever since we got back from Quebec a year and a half ago, I've been working on the family history of a bunch of ancestors from Quebec City. I didn't even know I HAD ancestors from there, and true, they are rather distant cousins, but I have felt more and more close to them and very happy to do their temple work. I found my first name when I went to do initiatory ordinances at the temple and was randomly given the name of a lady who had been born in Quebec. Because I felt that little connection with her, I remembered her name and her birthday, and when I went home, I looked her up, and I was related to her! I was able to request her other ordinances, and while I was doing that, I started looking at records for her siblings and parents, leading me to even more people.

Quebec Trip with Daisy

Are you the type of person who likes to watch your favorite movies and read your favorite books again and again? Or are you, like our son Malachi, scornful of such wasted time and prefer to never revisit something you've already done? I am the former. But if you are the latter, feel free to skip right past these pictures of places we've already been and things we've already done!

The gentle tug of the Spirit

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2014 Conference.

This week I loved Elder Boyd K Packer's powerful testimony of Jesus Christ. He spoke like He knew God personally, maybe had even seen Him. Now for sure he has! I also liked Elder L. Tom Perry's talk  about obedience:

An obedient horse which is part of a well-trained team of horses needs little more than a gentle tug from the driver to do exactly what he wants it to do. This gentle tug is equivalent to the still, small voice with which the Lord speaks to us. Out of respect for our agency, it is never a strong, forceful tug.…

So the lesson my grandfather taught me was always to be ready to receive the gentle tug of the Spirit. He taught me that I would always receive such a prompting if I ever veered off course. And I would never be guilty of more serious wrongdoings if I allowed the Spirit to guide me in my decisions.

I have noticed many times that when I'm getting frustrated or angry with my children (or whoever, I guess, but it's usually only my children 😩), there is a moment where I could stop. It's like the moment when you hear your alarm to wake up, and you could wake up, but if you go back to sleep right then you'll think later, "Hey, I never even heard my alarm!" Likewise when I'm really getting overwhelmed or carried away by my anger, there's a moment I know it, and can stop. Sometimes I do stop. I take a breath, lower my voice, close my mouth, or whatever else I can manage. But sometimes I don't stop, and those are the times I feel so regretful or discouraged afterwards. Those are the times I think sadly later, "Parenthood truly does allow us to exercise unrighteous dominion."

I guess it's just comforting to me to know that there (usually? maybe always?) IS that moment so I will HAVE that choice. The Spirit will whisper, "stop now" or "go now," but it will only whisper it, and it's up to me to choose to hear!

I also recently read a quote about "believing blood" somewhere, about how some people are blessed to have an easier time believing, but we should also have compassion for others for whom it doesn't come as easily. This part of Elder Perry's talk reminded me of that:

I recognize that the challenges associated with having faith in Jesus Christ and obedience will be more difficult for some than others. I have had enough years of experience to know that the personalities of horses can be very different and, therefore, some horses can be easier or more difficult to train and that the variety of people is far greater. Each of us is a son or daughter of God, and we have a unique premortal and mortal story. Accordingly, there are very few one-size-fits-all solutions. And so I fully recognize the trial-and-error nature of life and, most importantly, the constant need of the second principle of the gospel, even repentance.

I'm sure this is true. For some reason, the belief that Heavenly Father and Jesus live and love me is almost a natural as breathing to me. I feel I have always known it. But still:

Strong, proactive obedience is anything but weak or passive. It is the means by which we declare our faith in God and qualify ourselves to receive the powers of heaven. Obedience is a choice. It is a choice between our own limited knowledge and power and God’s unlimited wisdom and omnipotence. According to the lesson my grandfather gave to me, it is a choice to sense the spiritual bit in our mouths and follow the driver’s lead.

Anyone can make that choice! And when we miss our moment, when we ignore the Spirit we know we should follow, we can repent and turn back, and choose a better obedience next time. I love knowing that.

It was the load

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the April 2014 Conference.

How can I even choose which talk to write about this week? Two of them are talks I've already returned to over and over. ("Grateful in Any Circumstance" by Elder Uchtdorf and "Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease" by Elder Bednar.) When I look at them in the gospel library app they are full of my highlights and comments from multiple years. I seem to learn different things from them every time I read them. But, I guess this time I will focus on a few quotes from Elder Bednar.

As I've read his talk over the years, I've often wondered about these questions he tells us to ask ourselves:

“Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ on the strait and narrow path and avoid getting stuck? Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”

I've wondered about it because it seems that we largely do not determine our own loads! So what good does it do to ask ourselves if they are creating sufficient traction? Isn't it God who decides the trials and circumstances we must face? But I suppose some of it is what we’ve taken on ourselves—obligations or worries we need not have. Perhaps we could shed those. Or maybe some loads are sin and guilt, which we need not carry—but we do need to carry the load of honorable obligations, like our obligations to take care of our families.

On this reading I thought maybe the emphasis was on the "creating traction" part, though. Even if we don't choose what loads we carry (or we don't fully choose them), maybe we can choose the amount of "traction" they are giving us. I tried to think of ways we might do that. Maybe it means we choose to take on responsibilities and efforts that are spiritually helpful—like accepting callings and taking ministering assignments seriously, and choosing to form families and have children if we can, knowing that kind of "load" will definitely help us progress.

I also like the idea that choosing to love more people, allowing more people into the circle of those we care for and feel responsible for, would be a righteous increase of our individual loads and would surely generate more "traction." In President Monson's talk, he included a quote from President Kimball that I feel like I've been looking for my whole life. I've heard the idea in other talks but I didn't know there was a specific quote from a prophet about it:

We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking lots, offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind God has given us to love and to serve. It will do us little good to speak of the general brotherhood of mankind if we cannot regard those who are all around us as our brothers and sisters.

Once I got to maybe my fourth or fifth baby, I started to glimpse the actual weight of the choice we were making to have more children. I realized how much more we were taking on than a few more years of diapers or a few more years of sleepless nights. And when you think of having stewardship over even more people than your own family, it's easy to get a little gun-shy and start to think, "I can't afford to care about any more people! It's too hard and there's too much potential for heartache!" But it's also clear that "the portion of mankind God has given us to love and serve" can constitute an important part of our individual traction-giving load (the "joyful burden of discipleship" I was just writing about recently)—if we accept it and choose to carry it willingly.

It also seems clear that carrying our load, whatever it is, with Jesus, will instantly give us more traction. Elder Bednar says, 

"In essence, the Savior is beckoning us to rely upon and pull together with Him, even though our best efforts are not equal to and cannot be compared with His. As we trust in and pull our load with Him during the journey of mortality, truly His yoke is easy and His burden is light."

I get a little frustrated with the idea of "share your burden with the Lord!" because it seems so nebulous HOW to do it! Just saying "I hereby cast my burden on the Lord!" doesn't work. But it's also probably simpler than it seems. Maybe we invite Him to share our load by telling Him about it in prayer. And we also do it by making covenants, as Elder Bednar explains here. Maybe sharing our burdens with Jesus also means trusting that already He is there bearing some of the weight, even when we can’t tell for sure because we still feel tired and heavy. I’m sure Jesus is already lightening my load in so many ways, but sometimes I don't appreciate it and thank Him.

Elder Bednar also says this:

As we are yoked with Him through sacred covenants and receive the enabling power of His Atonement in our lives, we increasingly will seek to understand and live according to His will. We also will pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances according to our will.

That made me think about how we might gain "traction" while carrying our loads by deciding to act deliberately against the “natural man” and to surrender ease and comfort in favor of growth and knowledge. By thanking God for hard things. By trusting Him to turn all things for our good. By specifically asking the Elder Scott-ish questions of "What can I learn from this?" and "Is there more I can learn?" All those choices would lead us to more power through covenants, and therefore increase our ability to progress in becoming like God.

Your power to become

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Priesthood Session of the April 2014 Conference.

This was the priesthood session where President Oaks gave his wonderful talk "The Keys and Authority of the Priesthood" which has become such a fundamental part of how I understand my relationship to God's power and authority. I love that talk. But my quotes for today come from a different speaker, Elder Randall L. Ridd. He talks about the importance of our desires in shaping who we become, which is always a subject that has interested me. Elder Maxwell talked a lot about it. Maybe it was something he said that made me think the main purpose of education is to educate our desires—what we like, what fascinates us, what we wish for—so that we learn to want what God wants.

Elder Ridd brings up an interesting measure of desire:

The Internet also records your desires, expressed in the form of searches and clicks. There are legions waiting to fill those desires. As you surf the Internet, you leave tracks—what you communicate, where you have been, how long you have been there, and the kinds of things that interest you. In this way, the Internet creates a cyber profile for you—in a sense, your “cyber book of life.” As in life, the Internet will give you more and more of what you seek. If your desires are pure, the Internet can magnify them, making it ever easier to engage in worthy pursuits. But the opposite is also true.

Then he says:

My young brothers, if you are not proactive in educating your desires, the world will do it for you. Every day the world seeks to influence your desires, enticing you to buy something, click on something, play something, read or watch something. Ultimately, the choice is yours. You have agency. It is the power to not only act on your desires but also to refine, purify, and elevate your desires. Agency is your power to become. Each choice takes you closer to or further from what you are meant to become; each click has meaning. Always ask yourself, “Where will this choice lead?”

I love the idea that agency is our power to become. The question isn't whether we can change. It is what we will choose to change (or be changed?) into. 

Senior Pictures for Daisy

In April I took graduation photos for my niece who was graduating from BYU, and Daisy came with me as an assistant to help smooth windblown hair and cheer up fussy babies and so forth. (Sweet Parker was never fussy though, bless him.) While we were there I took some pictures of Daisy too, since she'll be a BYU Student herself come September!

"Seasons" ballet

 

You would think everyone would have been all balleted out after "Giselle," but the girls' studio did another show too because none of the youngest classes got to have parts in Giselle! This one was more of a recital format (loosely held together with the theme of "Seasons") and it was fun because the older girls could choose more of what they wanted to do, and Daisy got to do a "Senior Solo" since she is graduating this year! She danced a solo from "La Corsaire" and wore this beautiful costume. It was bittersweet to see her dancing her (probably) last solo! When we tried out ballet classes just for fun during the Pandemic, I never knew she would become such an accomplished dancer in just a few short years. This is a part of her life she'll be sad to leave behind!

Lots of good things that happened in May

We had a happy visit with "our sisters," our missionaries from Quebec, long since home and now one of them is even engaged (thwarting our plans to marry her off to Abe, grrr)

Snatches of life

 

Who are those hooligans running across the road as Sam and I drive off for our date night? And what are they running to? I'll tell you: it's a Lamborghini that was parked by someone's house. We told Teddy and Ziggy we'd seen it and they (and then of course Gus and Clementine too) went running off to see for themselves.

Find some way to trust them

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the April 2014 Conference.

Elder Scott's talk in this session was characteristically piercing. It was called "I have given you an example" but I'd summarize it more as being about How to guide and influence those we love (such a needed topic!).

Here are some little bits I liked:

• Both Grandmother Whittle and Jeanene loved me enough to share their conviction that the ordinances of the gospel and serving Father in Heaven would bless my life. Neither of them coerced me or made me feel bad about the person I was. They simply loved me and loved Father in Heaven. Both knew He could do more with my life than I could on my own.

• For so many in the world, the first challenge in accepting the gospel is to develop faith in a Father in Heaven, who loves them perfectly. It is easier to develop that faith when they have friends or family members who love them in a similar way.

• Sometimes we get so wrapped up in things that we find fascinating or become so consumed by mundane responsibilities that we lose sight of God’s objectives. As you consistently focus your life on the most basic principles, you will gain an understanding of what you are to do, and you will produce more fruit for the Lord and more happiness for yourself.

"Consumed by mundane responsibilities" is such an apt summary of my life sometimes, and I'm always worried it will become all there is for me. It's why I'm so anxious to find God and His purposes within the mundane, because those responsibilities aren't going away anytime soon. I think it's possible. But it takes focus and attention, and looking for meaning in small things. I like his advice to focus on basic principles: How is what I'm doing right now part of "bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man"? How can I reframe my perspective to make sure I'm doing this thing to serve God's children and not just for temporal reasons?

• Remember, loving them is the powerful foundation for influencing those you want to help.

And this one has been the one I've thought about most:

• As a companion to that love, trust them. In some cases it may seem difficult to trust, but find some way to trust them. The children of Father in Heaven can do amazing things when they feel trusted. Every child of God in mortality chose the Savior’s plan. Trust that given the opportunity, they will do so again.

This is a fascinating concept—the idea of trusting someone's past self (or "real" self, perhaps?) to come through with the right choice in the end. And the thought that the act of trusting can produce miracles…not just trusting God but trusting others. It seems so unjustified sometimes! And I know we aren't supposed to put our faith in imperfect mortals. But I've been pondering how I can trust (in an active way) my children, and show them that I trust them. I love to consider that "given the opportunity" and the right understanding, they will choose the Savior's plan again!!

The joyful burden

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the April 2014 Conference.

Last Sunday a bunch of children got up in sacrament meeting and bore their testimonies. It wasn't coordinated or anything, it just happened to be so, and they all gave such cute little testimonies—not prompted by parents, but just short little sweet convictions: "I know Jesus loves me because he helped me when I broke my arm"—things like that. I knew I was feeling the Spirit during the meeting because I felt such hope and peace about the things I'm usually worrying about; this strong sense of "Everything is going to be okay; God is in charge and He's got everyone in His hands!"

I think that felt particularly good to me because in general, my current stage of life has me constantly feeling the opposite—like everything is complicated and messy and paradoxical and full of struggle. It's not that I don't usually feel like "everything is going to be okay," but it's more like "there is a bunch of stuff I didn't understand about how complex and thorny and stretching it is to walk the path of discipleship and get to the point where everything will be okay."

Two apostles talked about discipleship in this conference session, and you can tell from their talk titles that both of these perspectives are clear to them too: "The Cost—and Blessings—of Discipleship" and "The Joyful Burden of Discipleship." 

In the first talk, Elder Holland says

In addition to teaching, encouraging, and cheering people on (that is the pleasant part of discipleship), from time to time these same messengers are called upon to worry, to warn, and sometimes just to weep (that is the painful part of discipleship).

I am always looking for and hoping for the first part, and I do find it so often—that happy, satisfying feeling of loving and serving and fellowship where you think to yourself, "Ah! The gospel is so good!" And it is. But then at times when I'm weeping and thinking sadly, "Is there a single person in the world who isn't carrying a bunch of heavy burdens very few people know about?"… the other part rings so true too. And Elder Rasband has this reminder:

[Sustaining the prophet and the twelve apostles] is not a mere formality, nor is it reserved for those called to general service. To sustain our leaders is a privilege; it comes coupled with a personal responsibility to share their burden and to be disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Of course Jesus does give us rest from our burdens, but this burden—of aching for other people, of constantly worrying what to do, of being forced to stumble your way through complicated and unpleasant situations hoping to somehow do more good than harm—is not a burden we can lay down. I think I have been looking to lay it down sometimes. Of course I can share it with the Lord and with others! But I shouldn’t be seeking not to have it at all.

The hope comes, I guess, not from somehow closing our eyes and hoping the path will get easier, but from holding to that child-like conviction that "everything will be okay" even as we stumble along not feeling okay. President Eyring, in another talk from this session, talks about finding a way to do both:

I suggest that you take both the short and the long view as you try to give the inheritance of hope to your family. In the short run, there will be troubles and Satan will roar. And there are things to wait for patiently, in faith, knowing that the Lord acts in His own time and in His own way. 

There are things you can do early, when those you love are young. Remember that daily family prayer, family scripture study, and sharing our testimony in sacrament meeting are easier and more effective when children are young. Young children are often more sensitive to the Spirit than we realize.

When they are older, they will remember the hymns they sang with you. Even more than recalling music, they will remember the words of scripture and testimony. The Holy Ghost can bring all things to their remembrance, but the words of scriptures and hymns will last the longest. Those memories will exert a pull that may bring them back when they wander for a time, possibly for years, from the pathway home to eternal life. 

We will need the long view when those we love feel the pull of the world and the cloud of doubt seems to overwhelm their faith. We have faith, hope, and charity to guide us and to strengthen them.

It's easy to feel despair when I think about all the cute testimony-bearing children, "Yes, but what happens in a few years when you forget or reject these sweet little experiences you're having now?" But Elder Eyring promises those things will still be inside them! And Elder Holland also ends on a hopeful note:

[The path of Christian discipleship] is a strait path, and it is a narrow path without a great deal of latitude at some points, but it can be thrillingly and successfully traveled, “with … steadfastness in Christ, … a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.” In courageously pursuing such a course, you will forge unshakable faith, you will find safety against ill winds that blow, even shafts in the whirlwind, and you will feel the rock-like strength of our Redeemer, upon whom if you build your unflagging discipleship, you cannot fall.

I do want to walk the path of discipleship. And I want to do it with optimism and courage even when the cost or the burden is greater than I'd anticipated. If Elder Holland, Elder Rasband, and Elder Eyring can do it, hopefully I can too!

Nothing we wouldn't willingly do

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Relief Society Session of the October 2013 Conference.

After talking to some friends who are struggling in their marriages recently, I was pondering what keeps us going when we feel like nothing we do is really working. I've felt it with motherhood so many times, and with trying to improve myself, and at times in my own marriage too. Those times when you're just tired, and you're discouraged, and you sort of feel like you should keep trying but you also can't seem to make yourself want to. It's so hard to be in that place. But I was thinking about how one of the only answers I've found is just to keep trying because I love Jesus. I know what He's done for me. I can't forget it. So if I can keep my love for Him as my motivation, it helps with that feeling of "but what's the point? Nothing makes a difference!" If I try to serve my family or my neighbors for Jesus, it doesn't matter as much how they respond to me or even if my efforts are "successful" or not. It just feels satisfying to do something I know Jesus would want me to do.

This quote from Sister Linda K Burton's talk reminded me of that: 

“If we fully appreciated the many blessings which are ours through the redemption made for us, there is nothing that the Lord could ask of us that we would not anxiously and willingly do.” According to this statement by President Joseph Fielding Smith, covenant keeping is one way to express our love for the incomprehensible, infinite Atonement of our Savior and Redeemer and the perfect love of our Father in Heaven.

He is mighty to save

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the October 2013 Conference.

This week I was struck by this quote from Elder Quentin L. Cook's talk:

God intended that men and women would be free to make choices between good and evil. When evil choices become the dominant characteristic of a culture or nation, there are serious consequences both in this life and the life to come. People can become enslaved or put themselves in bondage not only to harmful, addictive substances but also to harmful, addictive philosophies that detract from righteous living.

I remember hearing somewhere that one of the reasons the Lord sent the flood at Noah's time was that the people on earth were so wicked that children coming to them had basically no choice to be righteous anymore. I don't know if that is the whole reason, but this quote reminded me of that, and made me wonder—are we at that point now? We must not be, quite. Surely there are many righteous people on earth teaching their children good and righteous things. Still, I feel discouraged sometimes at how much it feels like "evil choices have become the dominant characteristic" of our world too. Our children have—not NO chance—but it seems such a slim chance of being able to escape those harmful, dominant worldly philosophies.

But of course, as always, Jesus is the answer. Elder Cook reminds us:

Our challenge is to avoid bondage of any kind, help the Lord gather His elect, and sacrifice for the rising generation. [But] we must always remember that we do not save ourselves. We are liberated by the love, grace, and atoning sacrifice of the Savior. When Lehi’s family fled, they were led by the Lord’s light. If we are true to His light, follow His commandments, and rely on His merits, we will avoid spiritual, physical, and intellectual bondage as well as the lamentation of wandering in our own wilderness, for He is mighty to save.

I need to remember that no matter how bad things get, if we are determined to follow Jesus, His light will be enough—for us, for our obedient children, for our disobedient children, for our neighbors, for everyone. His plan is good enough. It takes into account our day and our challenges. Jesus is mighty to save, and He wants to save, and He will save everyone who has the desire for good somewhere in their hearts.

People Doing Notable Things

Of course, Malachi is always doing great things. But one particularly great one was that he won first place at his final Speech and Debate tournament in oratory. Sam and I went to hear the last several rounds and had to concur that he really was the best! 😄 From a very good field, I might add. There were about 250 competitors in just the oratory category (which is writing and then giving an 8-10 minute speech entirely from memory). I loved Malachi's speech about facing in to the people close to you rather than facing outward to an "imaginary audience" (it wove in all kinds of surprising connections and metaphors; I can't do it justice in a summary) and was just so impressed with his maturity and thoughtfulness. He is so smart. Such a deep thinker. And he works so hard.

Joy guaranteed for the faithful

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the October 2013 Conference.

Elder Eyring seems to have such a deep understanding of what people worry about. Or at least of what I worry about. Although it's called "To My Grandchildren," I thought his talk in this session had such wise and comforting words for parents and grandparents who wonder and worry how their loved ones will ever make it safely through the challenges of this modern world.

First of all, I thought this was a surprising "great key to family happiness":

That great blessing [of feeling love for the Savior] has come by encouraging people I care for to go to the Savior for relief from pain, a relief only He can give. That is why I urge those I love to accept and to magnify every calling offered them in the Church. That choice is one of the great keys to family happiness.

Accept and magnify every calling offered them! I have heard that advice before and always tried to follow it (of course knowing there may be appropriate exceptions)—but I have never tied it to "family happiness," let alone to being one of the "keys" to family happiness! Very interesting.

Then he gives this great quote by George Q. Cannon:

Life in families will test us. That is one of God’s purposes in giving us the gift of mortality—to strengthen us by passing through tests. That will be especially true in family life, where we will find great joy and great sorrow and challenges which may at times seem beyond our power to endure them.

President George Q. Cannon said this about how God has prepared you and me and our children for the tests we will face: “There is not one of us but what God’s love has been expended upon. There is not one of us that He has not cared for and caressed. There is not one of us that He has not desired to save, and that He has not devised means to save. There is not one of us that He has not given His angels charge concerning. We may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes, and in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are the children of God, and that He has actually given His angels—invisible beings of power and might—charge concerning us, and they watch over us and have us in their keeping.”

I just love that statement "there is not one of us that He has not desired to save, and that He has not devised means to save"! If God Himself devised means to save one of His children, surely He, knowing each of us so well, provided for every stumble that child might make, and figured out a way back to Him from each individual point on the path that child make take! I think about this all the time—the fact that God knows how to get from anywhere back to Him. I so often can't see the through-line. I see no possible way some people might get from where they are to where they should be. (Even myself, at times). But God has "devised means to save" each of us, which means He always knows a way! That is amazing to me.

I also liked this:

God has devised means to save each of His children. For many, that involves being placed with a brother or a sister or a grandparent who loves them no matter what they do.

Years ago a friend of mine spoke of his grandmother. She had lived a full life, always faithful to the Lord and to His Church. Yet one of her grandsons chose a life of crime. He was finally sentenced to prison. My friend recalled that his grandmother, as she drove along a highway to visit her grandson in prison, had tears in her eyes as she prayed with anguish, “I’ve tried to live a good life. Why, why do I have this tragedy of a grandson who seems to have destroyed his life?”

The answer came to her mind in these words: “I gave him to you because I knew you could and would love him no matter what he did.”

It's sobering to think about that, because…can I be the kind of person who loves others no matter what? I'm not totally sure. But then I think about my children, and the underlying love I always feel for them (even when I'm mad or hurt), and I think I can be that kind of person at least for them. Or I can learn to be. And Elder Eyring gives us exactly the hopeful words we might need to do it:

My message then to my grandchildren, and to all of us trying to forge eternal families, is that there is joy guaranteed for the faithful. From before the world was, a loving Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son loved and worked with those who They knew would wander. God will love them forever.

You have the advantage of knowing that they learned the plan of salvation from the teachings they received in the spirit world. They and you were faithful enough to be allowed to come into the world when many others were not.

With the help of the Holy Ghost, all truths will be brought to our remembrance. We cannot force that on others, but we can let them see it in our lives. We can always take courage from the assurance that we all once felt the joy of being together as a member of the beloved family of our Heavenly Father. With God’s help we can all feel that hope and that joy again.

So much hope and goodness in those paragraphs! ("Joy guaranteed"??? That is such a bold statement!) I love it and I love Elder Eyring for helping me believe it.

Sam's work

 

All during the time that everyone else in our family is doing every other thing, Sam is just quietly working, working, working to make it possible. He works all the time. [Though not on Sundays! He is…religious…about taking Sundays off of regular work (ha ha) and I love him for that. Also for usually cooking Sunday dinner.]

But other than that! So much work. Class prep, teaching, department meetings, "citizenship" (BYU's word for all the random extra stuff you have to do), committees, and constant freelance work on top of it. I'm grateful that he can work and has enough work to support us, of course! But I'm even more grateful that he is willing to do all those things, and do them so well!

Sometimes the freelance work he does is repetitive (cards for trading games😵). Sometimes it's interesting (book covers, game trailers, ads). And sometimes it's actually something lots people get to see, like for the Mario movie. A few years ago he did a ton of concept art for another movie. He did SO MUCH art for it—just pages and pages of folders and folders on his computer. A staggering amount of art, really. And of course with movies, you never even know if they'll actually be made. He is always working at the very beginning of the process doing concepts. Sometimes they scrap the characters he was working on. Sometimes they scrap the whole movie. But this movie finally came out, and it is actually pretty cute, AND so many of his characters and designs actually got used! We were all so happy to see them, after seeing them on his computer and iPad for so many months while he was working on them.

This is the movie. It was called "Pookoo" when he was working on it but now is called "Swapped." It was the #1 movie on Netflix for a while!

He didn't know if he would be in the credits (sometimes artists aren't, if it's not in their contract) but he was!

He did a million designs, most of which I don't even have pictures of, but these are a couple of the cutest ones. The little baby pookoos (?), based on baby bunnies, of course!

These little pinecone hedgehog guys were super cute too (especially the babies).

To me it seemed like a cool movie to do concept art for because the whole aesthetic was so original. All the animals are designed like plants. I love the aspen-tree deer at the top of this post so much! I have never seen any other animals like them! There were fish that looked like lily pads, and snails that closed and opened like flowers, and birds that seemed to be made of leaves, and a bunch of interesting things like that. Somehow they made them all just look cool and not strange. And then even all the tiny details—their life cycles, how they move, the little backpack the guy carries, the way the light comes through the skin of the fish, the insides of their mouths when they yawn or speak—all those things have to be thought about and drawn and iterated on. It is an amazing amount of work, and I'm happy Sam got to see it go toward a finished product he liked!

And, while I'm at it, here is some other tangible artwork Sam did recently. These were advertising posters for an ice cream shop in Vienna, Austria. Their ice cream looks amazing. (I told him to tell the company he had to go there and try the ice cream in order to do the work, but he wouldn't.) It was nice of the ad agency he worked with to send him photos of some of the posters up all around Vienna! Fun to see! This was a cool job because it wasn't like he was one of a huge team. It was all just him!

And that's all I have. Good job, Sam!

Blessed by being asked and blessed by not being asked

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Priesthood Session of the October 2013 Conference.

Daisy is the choir director for our ward, and she's doing great at it, but it can be a very discouraging calling! I know just how she feels. I think I have never felt so discouraged in a calling as I did when I was choir director. There really are only a few people that ever come. They are the same 4-5 people. And no matter how much you invite, and make treats, and tell people "you don't have to be a great singer! All are welcome!", and try to sing fun music, and ask the bishopric to keep announcing choir practice—all the other people in the ward seem to think of themselves as "non choir people" and be perfectly at peace with leaving it to others. And for those who have, somehow, established themselves as "choir people"—not even necessarily because their voices are great but just because they are willing to sing, I guess—being one of the 4 people that supports the choir is its own kind of burden, knowing that if you don't go, no one will!

It seemed extra hard to me when that was my calling, because I hate asking people to do things they don't want to do. (I have to do enough of that with my own kids to truly detest doing it at any other time.) I hate "recruiting" or feeling like I'm imposing or seeming like I'm criticizing or judging someone. I get that for some people, it's just too hard to make choir practice right now. For some, it's super intimidating and they feel self-conscious. For some, their other duties won't allow it. I know all that only too well because I've had times of life where I just can't handle choir either. It's not like I think no one has a valid excuse. BUT, as choir director, if that's your calling, you can't just NOT ask anyone to come! You can't just make do with a choir of two people—or at least, it's hard to! And surely not everyone is so busy they can't possibly come? But I hate being that person who everyone else starts to want to avoid because they feel reluctant/guilty/hesitant about what they know you're going to ask them. UGH. So hard. (And poor Daisy! The bishop thought maybe people would support her more because she's a young woman. But no. They do not. I mean, some do! And everyone means well! No one is TRYING not to support her—but the fact remains. And her discouragement makes my own heart hurt extra!)

Anyway, in context of all that, I thought this section of Elder Eyring's talk was interesting:

You asked others of the Lord’s priesthood to help, with confidence that they would respond with compassion. You were not afraid to ask those who have responded most often in the past…You asked them, knowing that in the past they have felt the Lord’s generosity when they chose to help. You asked some already heavily burdened, knowing that the greater the sacrifice, the greater the compensation they will receive from the Lord. Those who have helped in the past have felt the overflowing gratitude of the Savior.

You may [also] well have been inspired not to ask someone to help load and then unload that truck. As a leader you know your quorum members and their families well. The Lord knows them perfectly.

He knows whose wife was near the breaking point because her husband was unable to find time to do what she needed done to care for her needs. He knows which children would be blessed by seeing their father go one more time to help others or if the children needed the feeling that they matter to their father enough for him to spend time with them that day. But He also knows who needs the invitation to serve but might not appear to be a likely or willing candidate.

You cannot know all your quorum members perfectly well, but God does. So, as you have done so many times, you prayed to know whom to ask to help serve others. The Lord knows who will be blessed by being asked to help and whose family will be blessed by not being asked. That is the revelation you can expect to come to you as you lead in the priesthood.

I wish so much that I could have this type of revelation better! I don't know that I have yet experienced that gift. And I get discouraged easily when trying to balance "don't ask too much, don't annoy people" and "people will be blessed by helping even if they don't want to at first!" But this gives me hope that it is possible to find that balance. Maybe someday??

Intentions, Murderous and Otherwise

Have you seen Giselle? It's one of those ballets one always hears of, but I had never seen it before the girls' ballet studio put it on this year. The story is a bit horrifying, I must say! Giselle is betrayed in love, dies of a broken heart, and then after her death, she (for some reason??!) saves her faithless lover, barely, from being danced to death by the ghostly wilis in the forest! And whom do you suppose were two of those vengeful wilis? Daisy and Junie, that's who. Tsk tsk!

Even though I didn't think I'd seen Giselle or the wilis before, I was somehow familiar with their signature step, this strange flattened arabesque that the wilis do while hopping across the stage (arabesque chugs, they call them). You will perhaps be shocked to hear that this move "signifies their murderous intentions"! Yes! They are quite evil! Not a role I can condone at all.

But let us leave this ghastly scene and go back to earlier in the ballet.

Thank goodness Goldie remains sweet and innocent. A charming village lass. (I suppose Daisy is one too. But not for long!)

Here is one of their pretty peasant dances

Junie had a part in the pas de trois and also a long solo!

j

Watch her, if you'd like! She is so good! (link: https://youtu.be/RNuIESzD2Rs)

https://youtu.be/XEB5g-Aces8

I like this picture of Junie and Brynn just standing casually in midair

Such high leaps!

In the last few performances, someone (another mother, I'm afraid😬) has been VERY ZEALOUS about the costumes—excessively zealous, we might say—not wanting the dancers to so much as set FOOT in the lobby while wearing them, and since they also didn't have any dress rehearsals to speak of (they had them, but no one dressed for them)—it was very difficult getting pictures of Daisy and Junie in costume. We had to sneak out the back door like thieves in the night! (DO thieves in the night sneak out the back door? They probably have to sneak IN the back door first, but then surely they must then sneak back out again?) But I'm glad we did it because their costumes were very pretty and they wanted a record of them!

The wilis do this low, cradling-arm pose a lot too, and we read somewhere that it might represent the babies they will never have.😢

It doesn't excuse their murderous intentions, though!

The Second Act of Giselle looks really spooky and cool. The backdrop is all black and the wilis, with the spotlights on them, really do look like glowing ghosts against it.

The girls have these long veils on at the beginning of the Act. They tied fishing line to the tops of the veils and then at a certain moment, people backstage pulled on the fishing line and all the veils just whisked off their heads and disappeared behind the curtains. It was really cool to watch!

(Like this)

Here is Clementine's depiction of one of the veiled dancers, drawn a couple weeks later

It was so dark, and their dresses were so white, I had a hard time even taking pictures of them.

https://youtu.be/4YCa0g0eecM

Here are those murderously flat arabesques. They're so interesting to watch. So distinctive. And the girls have to do it without crashing into the lines of other dancers going the opposite way!

https://youtu.be/6vLxL3mrrTw

Sometimes their murderous intentions are emphasized by a red light from below. Scary! And they do not smile. Never. It wouldn't be fitting for such murderous young ladies.

Poor Hilarion pleads with the queen of the wilis for his life. But she refuses. She is heartless. They're all heartless. (Except Giselle, of course. She manages to save her own [unfaithful!] lover, Albrecht, when he shows up later. But Hilarion has no such luck.)

The queen of the wilis dooms him to dance until he dies!

And then he is forced to do so, hemmed in on every side by the unrelenting wilis!

Very sad!

Clementine wore her tutu to the ballet and enjoyed it very much! I can only imagine what valuable life lessons she was learning from the story.

She was definitely paying attention, as evidenced by this dance she did for me me later the next day!