Intentions, Murderous and Otherwise

Have you seen Giselle? It's one of those ballets one always hears of, but I had never seen it before the girls' ballet studio put it on this year. The story is a bit horrifying, I must say! Giselle is betrayed in love, dies of a broken heart, and then after her death, she (for some reason??!) saves her faithless lover, barely, from being danced to death by the ghostly wilis in the forest! And whom do you suppose were two of those vengeful wilis? Daisy and Junie, that's who. Tsk tsk!

Even though I didn't think I'd seen Giselle or the wilis before, I was somehow familiar with their signature step, this strange flattened arabesque that the wilis do while hopping across the stage (arabesque chugs, they call them). You will perhaps be shocked to hear that this move "signifies their murderous intentions"! Yes! They are quite evil! Not a role I can condone at all.

But let us leave this ghastly scene and go back to earlier in the ballet.

Thank goodness Goldie remains sweet and innocent. A charming village lass. (I suppose Daisy is one too. But not for long!)

Here is one of their pretty peasant dances

Junie had a part in the pas de trois and also a long solo!

j

Watch her, if you'd like! She is so good! (link: https://youtu.be/RNuIESzD2Rs)

https://youtu.be/XEB5g-Aces8

I like this picture of Junie and Brynn just standing casually in midair

Such high leaps!

In the last few performances, someone (another mother, I'm afraid😬) has been VERY ZEALOUS about the costumes—excessively zealous, we might say—not wanting the dancers to so much as set FOOT in the lobby while wearing them, and since they also didn't have any dress rehearsals to speak of (they had them, but no one dressed for them)—it was very difficult getting pictures of Daisy and Junie in costume. We had to sneak out the back door like thieves in the night! (DO thieves in the night sneak out the back door? They probably have to sneak IN the back door first, but then surely they must then sneak back out again?) But I'm glad we did it because their costumes were very pretty and they wanted a record of them!

The wilis do this low, cradling-arm pose a lot too, and we read somewhere that it might represent the babies they will never have.😢

It doesn't excuse their murderous intentions, though!

The Second Act of Giselle looks really spooky and cool. The backdrop is all black and the wilis, with the spotlights on them, really do look like glowing ghosts against it.

The girls have these long veils on at the beginning of the Act. They tied fishing line to the tops of the veils and then at a certain moment, people backstage pulled on the fishing line and all the veils just whisked off their heads and disappeared behind the curtains. It was really cool to watch!

(Like this)

It was so dark, and their dresses were so white, I had a hard time even taking pictures of them.

https://youtu.be/4YCa0g0eecM

Here are those murderously flat arabesques. They're so interesting to watch. So distinctive. And the girls have to do it without crashing into the lines of other dancers going the opposite way!

https://youtu.be/6vLxL3mrrTw

Sometimes their murderous intentions are emphasized by a red light from below. Scary! And they do not smile. Never. It wouldn't be fitting for such murderous young ladies.

Poor Hilarion pleads with the queen of the wilis for his life. But she refuses. She is heartless. They're all heartless. (Except Giselle, of course. She manages to save her own [unfaithful!] lover, Albrecht, when he shows up later. But Hilarion has no such luck.)

The queen of the wilis dooms him to dance until he dies!

And then he is forced to do so, hemmed in on every side by the unrelenting wilis!

Very sad!

Clementine wore her tutu to the ballet and enjoyed it very much! I can only imagine what valuable life lessons she was learning from the story.

She was definitely paying attention, as evidenced by this dance she did for me me later the next day!

Haircuts

The first time Daisy cut Junie's hair it was a great and terrible sorrow to me. She was four, Junie was two, and I don't know quite when else I had been so upset as a mother (up to that time). I cried and cried and cried, and I didn't think it was even a little bit funny, and I didn't think I ever would or could think it was funny! I'm not sure why it hit me so hard—I can't summon up the feelings anymore, only remember that I had them. My dear little girls! And their darling hair! Ruined!

Of course it all turned out fine in the end, and they were, if possible, even cuter with their little pixie cuts. And it was so fun for us to have a little afternoon out at the haircut place (even getting ice cream after, if I remember correctly—which I really probably oughtn't to have given them at such a time!) that I remember worrying maybe they would cut their hair again because it was all so fun! But they never did.

Until now!! After her success cutting Clementine's hair a couple times, Daisy took it into her head that she was perfectly capable of cutting any hair she pleased, and as you should know by now, if Daisy thinks she can do something, she will proceed to do it competently and without delay! Now, I have cut the girls' hair myself from time to time, but as we Nielson girls are blessed with indecently, not to say embarassingly, thick hair ["It's like cutting five heads of hair," said the haircut guy the last time I went in], it takes forever and is not for the faint of heart! Luckily, Daisy's heart was not faint. Junie's may have been a little faint, I admit, especially with Daisy mischievously letting out Oops's and Oh dears! left and right—but I must say the end result was much better than her attempt of thirteen years ago! She cut Goldie's hair too—and then Junie cut Daisy's—and thus, I told them, they were all nicely trimmed at very little expense or inconvenience to myself (as Mr. Bennett says about sending Lydia to Bath). 

Alas, just like Mr. Bennett, I would come to rue the day those words were spoken! Clementine had been saying a great many things about haircuts in the days following this event. Things like, "Daisy, your hairs are so pretty. Did you have a haircut? Is my haircut so pretty like yours?" In retrospect we should have seen it coming. Because one morning not long afterward, I went into the library to see this:

It was really quite a lot of hair! And my heart did sink a little when I saw it. But honestly, it surprised me how different I felt compared to all those years ago with Daisy. This time I just…almost didn't even care! I mean, I gave Clementine a stern little talking-to. I told her in appropriately sober tones that she must never do it again. But the whole time all I could think about was how cute and sad and sorry she looked, and be curious about what was going through her tiny little curious brain as she performed this operation on herself. She of course burst into tears, as she does at the smallest reprimand. And then I just hugged and hugged her while she cried! Poor little mite!

Daisy was really the most upset by it of anyone (as she was the one who had just given Clementine such a cute little bob a couple months ago!), and she scolded Clementine quite severely until I gently reminded her that she, of all people, had no moral high ground upon which to stand in this matter! Ha!

Unfortunately for the building of Clementine's character, she somehow managed to cut her hair rather well, tapering it down along the sides becomingly and only getting a few little pieces really short, almost like bangs. So we didn't feel compelled to take her into a salon to have it fixed. And really, after a day or two, we mostly forgot all about it! Clementine herself has not quite forgotten—I believe her feelings are still a little hurt—and she said soberly just now, watching me as I wrote this post, "It's bad that I did that." And then, a little accusingly—"Mommy, why do you still remember when I did that?"

Dear little sweetie. I suppose I should "remember her sins no more," but if she ever reads this when she's older, I want her to know that all my sternness was for show—for her sake, really, so she wouldn't make a habit of haircutting—but all I really felt was just pure love for her in her secret moment of naughtiness, and a wish that all "bad" behavior was so innocent and so easily mended, and an aching wistfulness for the far-off days and the far-off person I used to be, when the worst thing I had to cry about was little Daisy cutting poor Junie's hair.

Lifting, bending, balancing

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the October 2013 Conference.

Elder Christoffersen's talk, The Moral Force of Women, was so good. I've been thinking about this quote from it (about a women he knew and admired):

Her ability to perform feats of lifting, bending, and balancing with her children was near superhuman. The demands on her were many and her tasks often repetitive and mundane, yet underneath it all was a beautiful serenity, a sense of being about God’s work.

I'm not sure exactly what he meant by "lifting, bending, and balancing," but I find a lot of symbolism in those words. I'm surprised how much all these things are required in motherhood while figuring out how to raise children to make a happy home. Lifting others out of discouragement, balancing justice and mercy, figuring out which rules need to be bent and which held fast. We have to try to bend our own preferences and even our hopes into a shape that fits our family. We have to try to balance one child's needs with another's capacities. We have to scramble for the higher ground so we can be the lifter of everything—the family mood, the family vision, the family culture. How can anyone find "serenity" while doing all those gymnastics? I guess it's only through remembering, as this woman did, that we are about God's work—and He will make it possible.

Eyes that see more clearly

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the October 2013 Conference.

There were some amazing talks in this session. Elder Soares' talk on meekness was great. Elder Bednar's talk on tithing is a classic. Elder Uchtdorf's talk "Come, Join With Us" is so profound and still completely relevant (it's the "doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith" talk). But the quote I finally chose to write about was from Elder Bednar. He talks about the "significant but subtle" ways Heavenly Father often opens the windows of heaven to us—for example, rather than just giving us a new job, giving us "the blessing of greater personal determination to search harder and longer for a position than other people may be able or willing to do." Then he says:

Sometimes we may ask God for success, and He gives us physical and mental stamina. We might plead for prosperity, and we receive enlarged perspective and increased patience, or we petition for growth and are blessed with the gift of grace. He may bestow upon us conviction and confidence as we strive to achieve worthy goals. And when we plead for relief from physical, mental, and spiritual difficulties, He may increase our resolve and resilience.…

I wrote about a similar subject in this post a couple years ago, but I'm thinking about it again today. It's our wedding anniversary (25 years!) and so many things have shifted in my understanding of God's plan since that happy, blissfully ignorant day Sam and I walked out of the temple as husband and wife. I've received so many "blessings in disguise" (though plenty of the undisguised ones as well, of course!) and surprising learning experiences. So many perspective shifts which seem at first like just interesting ideas and then surprising truths and then established realities barely worth remarking on anymore. I have changed and I am changing. It's strange to think as much change or more is likely ahead.

Elder Bednar then says this:

I testify that as we are spiritually attentive and observant, we will be blessed with eyes that see more clearly, ears that hear more consistently, and hearts that understand more fully the significance and subtlety of His ways, His thoughts, and His blessings in our lives.

I don't know how you'd know or if it even matters, but I wonder what the difference is between seeing more of God's already-existing blessings and actually receiving more blessings that weren't there before? Is God's goodness and mercy "poured out" consistently over our lifetimes and it's only our own comprehension that changes? Because I've definitely become more aware of God's involvement in my life, and my definition of what constitutes Him blessing me has certainly expanded, but I'm also convinced that the amount of tender mercies themselves truly must have doubled and tripled and exponentiafied (??) since I first started trying to write them down. Even during the most seemingly boring and mundane stretches of time, when I think to myself, "Wow, everything feels so stagnant and dull right now, surely I haven't had the light of heaven in my life for weeks"—or during the hard times when everything actually seems bad—I will look back at the tiny moments of clarity and tender mercies jotted down and realize there wasn't a single day God didn't reach out to bless me in some little way. Has He always been doing that? It is hard to comprehend.

Either way, learning to see the "significance and subtlety" of God's ways is no small blessing. I am constantly praying for even more of that ability in my eyes and ears and heart, because there are still plenty of experiences I resent or dread or misunderstand. Still plenty of "blessings in disguise," I imagine, which I just don't yet comprehend with my "natural eyes." But even to be able to conceive that they someday might be blessings, to step outside of my current blindness far enough to even realize that I might be blind, to be able to even imagine a different understanding than my present one—this is a powerful gift. This remarkable article by V. H. Cassler about "Dark Miracles" (the author's term for "blessings in disguise") has been so impactful for me. She says:

One of the most important things I have learned in this life is that a lot of the fish God gives us look initially like serpents, and many of the loaves look like stones. We must have faith that those stones could one day be seen by us as bread.

I suppose that kind of faith will expand God's blessings more and more as we, like a four-year-old going through his rock collection and not being able to throw out a single one of them, examine and re-examine each of our mortal experiences and see the beauty they contained. I don't suppose paying tithing (which after all was the entire premise of Elder Bednar's talk) is the only law tied to the blessing of expanded understanding. Perhaps all of God's laws are tied to it. But I just know that I want to keep seeking it.

Blessed with truth

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Young Women's Session of the April 2013 Conference.

I have been thinking about this quote from Sister Mary N. Cook:

Your children will be blessed with truth as you weave your virtuous example and unshakable testimony into their lives and show them the way on the covenant path.

The parameters of this promise are interesting. It doesn't say anything about what our children will do with the truth or whether they will walk on the covenant path. When I was younger, that might have been discouraging to me—like what's the point of all that example and testimony if it's not going to get results? But I've been thinking about that simple statement "your children will be blessed with truth." It really is such an enormous blessing just to know truth! So many people don't know it, and know not where to find it. So many people have to start from scratch, falling into every kind of trouble and deception, before they manage to find what's true and lasting. And our children won't have that. They will still need to learn many things through their own experience, often hard experience, of course! But they will have this great gift of truth to come back to whenever they choose. From a young age, they will have been able to know and feel truth, to have it surrounding them in the very air they breathe. It has been that way with me. The knowledge that I'm a Child of God, that I have a Heavenly Father, has been in my heart and my bones since before I could talk. I could choose to disregard that truth, but I can't unknow it!

And this is a gift I can give my children and am giving them—no matter how many other flaws I have as a mother, or the things I don't do well or the mistakes I make—I will still weave my testimony of Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ into their lives because that testimony is part of my life, and I will still introduce them to the reality of the covenant path back to God because it's my path. Whatever they choose to do with that truth—it will always be there for them. 

Other posts in this series:

Holy Places—by Rozy

Easter Week

I love Holy Week! We started it off a day early on "Lazarus Saturday" this year. I've wanted to try making these "Lazarekia" rolls for a while now. They're like little men wrapped in grave clothes. So cute. And look how well we made them; just like the picture😄

Hahaha! As my friend so accurately pointed out, it is not very often you find a recipe that can be used for both Halloween and Easter.

Living day-to-day as a disciple

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2013 Conference.

This week I have been thinking and praying about something that troubles me from time to time. It's not that I think my current stage of motherhood is unimportant; I know what I do for my family is important, and I believe in it. But sometimes I just feel so aware of how many trivial and mundane things take up my attention. I start to worry that I’m just being pulled along from deadline to deadline, from task to task, never really feeling free of the mild stress of those things that have to be done, and never really rising to any higher purpose or seeing any higher vision. I worry that "the world is too much with me" and I'm going to somehow miss what God really wants me to be doing.

So I was grateful to read several conference talks which seemed to speak to those thoughts. For example, from Elder Christofferson:

The greatest service we can provide to others in this life, beginning with those of our own family, is to bring them to Christ through faith and repentance so they may experience His Redemption...Much of our redemptive work on earth is to help others grow and achieve their just hopes and aspirations.

And this from Elder Bruce D. Porter:

Trials may come, and we may not understand everything that happens to us or around us. But if we humbly, quietly trust in the Lord, He will give us strength and guidance in every challenge we face. When our only desire is to please Him, we will be blessed with a deep inner peace.

And this from Elder Erich W. Kopischke:

Too often we think that the word sacrifice refers to something big or hard for us to do. In certain situations this may be true, but mostly it refers to living day-to-day as a true disciple of Christ.

And 

Other ways to observe our covenants by sacrifice are as simple as accepting a calling in the Church and faithfully serving in that calling or following the invitation of our prophet, Thomas S. Monson, to reach out to those who are standing at the wayside and need to be spiritually rescued. We observe our covenants by sacrifice by giving silent service in our neighborhood or community or by finding the names of our ancestors and doing temple work for them. We observe our covenants by sacrifice by simply striving for righteousness, being open, and listening to the promptings of the Spirit as we live our daily lives. Sometimes observing our covenants means nothing more than standing firmly and faithfully when the storms of life are raging all around us.

Crowns ex nihilo, blossoms, temple open house

Clementine keeps getting bigger whether we like it or not. Right now she's in a cutting and making phase. She makes the funniest, clumsiest, little creations because she has no idea what she's doing. The other idea she came out with little crowns for her and Milky (the bunny) to wear, and it was if she had conceived the idea of a crown ex nihilo. No thought of the usual long strip with points. Just a totally haphazard mixture of shapes she must have somehow envisioned in her head, taped together however she could manage it. And she was so proud. I almost started crying just looking at her proud little face. 

Synchronized Skating, International Gardens, Overnighter

Through a series of events I realize now are too boring to recount, we got some free tickets to the U.S. Synchronized Skating Championships at the Maverik Center. Did you know there was such a thing? We did not. I'd never even heard of the sport. But we do, of course, love to watch figure skating and thought it would be fun to see what synchronized skating was!