Zig's birthday, and our new dog

On Ziggy's birthday, we went to a puppy store near us to play with the puppies, because Ziggy likes dogs. We did NOT intend to come home with one!…And we didn't. Ha ha. But we are trying desperately to convince Malachi that we did! It's very difficult, because he is a terribly suspicious person by nature, not to mention the fact that HE had the idea of trying to convince Abe that we got a dog when Abe was on his mission. Nevertheless, we are doing our best, and perhaps if we just keep it up for long enough he will eventually believe us. (Right now it is mostly just making him annoyed with us and say things like "Stop trying to fool me! I KNOW you didn't get a dog!…or if you did, show him to me!"—at which point we have Teddy walk by the videochat with a stuffed animal in his arms making whimpering sounds—which makes Malachi even more annoyed…which is kind of the point, I suppose!)

In the moments we need God

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Priesthood Session of the April 2015 Conference. 

Sometimes I think about, when I pray in the mornings, the times I've been completely blindsided by a trial or a problem—and how when I said my morning prayer on those mornings, I had no idea what challenges would be coming so soon. It makes me almost afraid, as I pray for strength to deal with whatever happens today, to think about that. But it doesn't do any good to be afraid. Those times come for everyone! It's what President Eyring talked about in this conference session: the need to be spiritually fortified and ready always, because we never know when those spiritual reserves will be called upon!

All of us must speak and act in the name of God in moments when our unaided judgment will not be enough without inspiration. Those moments can come upon us when there is not time to make preparation. That has happened to me often.

It's not that I've had so many huge challenges in my life, but that feeling when they come of "Oh no! Not now! I didn't want to have to face this!" is so familiar. And I suppose it's something God wants us to learn, something we need to learn—that even though we may never feel fully "ready" to do something really hard, we can do those hard things by relying on Him. One way President Eyring recommends that we be ready for hard challenges is to be constantly praying and working to have the Spirit with us. I don't think I understood the idea of "pray always" when I was younger. (And I probably still don't, fully.) But since I've become a mother and grown more deeply into the gospel, I've realized how much more often I need to send up little silent prayers for help. I've realized how much more confident I feel, when unexpected challenges do crop up, knowing that I was just recently asking the Lord for strength. President Eyring says:

It is easier to get the proper feeling of reverence when you are kneeling or bowing your head, but it is possible to feel that you are approaching your Heavenly Father in less formal and even in silent prayer, as you will often need to do in your priesthood service. There will be noise and people around you most of your waking day. God hears your silent prayers, but you may have to learn to shut out the distractions because the moment you need the connection with God may not come in quiet times.

I'm still growing into this principle, but I already see its truth. We really do need the Spirit always to be with us. We really do need to pray always. We really do need to walk with Jesus. We just have too many challenges not to! And if that seems scary…well, it's not nearly as scary as the thought of facing those times without feeling that Jesus and the Spirit will be us, helping us!

More rain and more sunsets

Every year around the end of summer, the girls get out the tent so they can sleep in the backyard. These poor children have never been "real camping" (except—yes they have—at girls' camp! But not with our family), thanks to DAISY who screamed the whole night last time we went (Sebastian's fifth birthday) and made me vow to never do that again! Ha! Maybe now, sixteen years later, I might consider getting over that traumatic incident? Maybe.

Muse, spiral binder, foam

Daisy and Abe and Seb all met up to go to the Muse concert together in August! Seb flew in from Denver. It was Daisy's first concert and Abe's first time hearing Muse live. They all loved it! And they even had nice weather for it. Yay!

Keep practicing

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the April 2015 Conference.

There are so many talks I love in this conference session! I just can't choose! And I also can't do justice to them by just talking about pieces of them. But I guess I will just share a few of the things I highlighted because they hit me in the right spot right now:

The peace Christ gives allows us to view mortality through the precious perspective of eternity and supplies a spiritual settledness that helps us maintain a consistent focus on our heavenly destination. Thus, we can be blessed to hush our fears because His doctrine provides purpose and direction in all aspects of our lives. His ordinances and covenants fortify and comfort in times both good and bad.

—Elder Bednar, "Therefore they hushed their fears"

Each individual carries the divine image, but it is in the matrimonial union of male and female as one that we attain perhaps the most complete meaning of our having been made in the image of God—male and female.

—Elder Christofferson, "Why Marriage, Why Family"

The dance steps of the gospel are the things we do; the music of the gospel is the joyful spiritual feeling that comes from the Holy Ghost.…If you’re not hearing the music of the gospel in your home, please remember these two words: keep practicing. With God’s help, the day will come when the music of the gospel will fill your home with unspeakable joy.

—Elder Wilford W. Andersen, "The Music of the Gospel"

As God encourages us to keep on trying, He expects us to also allow others the space to do the same, at their own pace. 

[This talk also has the story of the missionary who is told by the Lord about his slacker companion, "You know, compared to me, the two of you aren’t all that different.” I have probably had that phrase come to my mind about a hundred times in the years since I first heard this talk…maybe more! I think about it all the time.]

—Elder Renlund, "Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying"

In a world where praise, position, power, accolades, and authority are sought on every side, I honor those wonderful and blessed souls who are truly good and without guile, those who are motivated by a love of God and their neighbors, those great women and men who are “more anxious to serve than to have dominion.”

—Elder Michael T. Ringwood, "Truly Good and Without Guile"

All of these talks are so good and any one of them would be well worth a re-read!

Butterflies

If you want to see something besides butterflies (and cute people, of course) in this post, you're out of luck! We visited the Butterfly Garden for a Field Trip Day and for some reason the butterflies seemed extra receptive to being held, so all the kids wanted pictures with their butterfly friends. And Daisy got to go with us because her school hadn't started yet! Reason enough to take a few pictures, I say.

Et voilà:

Clementine's first day of kindergarten (and a *BONUS DAISY*)

It cannot be, it absolutely cannot be, but it IS. My last child starting school! Oh how I wish I had ten or twelve more coming down the pipeline. (I would be a hundred years old and completely out of my mind by the time they graduated, but never mind that.) But if there must BE a last kindergartner, surely there could be no better one than this bright-eyed, friendly, curious, happy little Clementine! Oh that every teacher in every school could have a class full of girls like her! They would work for free. (Hey…I work for free!) It's so fun (if occasionally a little alarming!) to see what she thinks and what she decides to do about what she thinks!

Raspberries, rain, and the last of summer

We liked to pick raspberries every year in August, but last year's harvest was so pathetic we weren't sure it would even be worth it this year! Back in the good old days we used to get 25 or 30 pounds of berries with all of us picking. Last year I think it was 3 pounds😩. Still, we gave it a try. The plants weren't in great shape. The owner of the raspberry patch said the late freeze and the summer heat had been hard on them. But we managed about 11 pounds, so that was pretty good. Enough to make several batches of muffins and a bunch of pie!

Starting ballet, and a few other things

Summer came to a close sooner than anyone wanted (actually not true; Junie had read every book in the house and was bored out of her mind and couldn't WAIT to start seminary again, but it was sooner than I wanted!). We had kind of a "soft start" with new ballet classes starting in early August, math classes and seminary in mid-August, and piano lessons (with a new teacher!) at the end of August. I guess it was good because we could get ourselves on schedule bit by bit.

Because the ballet teacher said she would put the classes right next to my big girls' classes, I let Clementine try out ballet this year. She loves it, of course (though she keeps saying "When do I get to do real ballet?"—meaning dance on a stage in a costume) and is so cute hopping around, leaping, and doing pliés with a look of serious concentration on her face.

The Three August Birthdays

Three good children born in August. At LEAST three. Daisy turned 17! Her sisters made her a birthday crown.

We seek before we find

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the April 2015 Conference.

I actually hated the story Elder L. Whitney Clayton told in his conference talk (about a little girl who was the only survivor of a plane crash with her family, and had to walk, injured, in the darkness before anyone could help her. It's just too painful to think about) but I guess it is memorable! And I like the message Elder Clayton drew from it. He talked about the different aspects of her courageous journey and how they are like our own journeys through life.

One part that stood out was this sort of inversion of a common scripture:

Alma’s call for us to desire to believe and to “give place” in our hearts for the Savior’s words reminds us that belief and faith require our personal choice and action. We must “awake and arouse [our] faculties.” We ask before it is given unto us; we seek before we find; we knock before it is opened unto us. We are then given this promise: “For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.”

I like that emphasis on the uncertain space before we see miracles or even feel peace. It can feel so long and hard! But that is our space to act. (And God is still there even then. We just don't see clearly.) And we can trust Him that our asking, seeking, and knocking will not be ignored.

Filling our homes with good

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the General Women's Session of the April 2015 Conference. 

I'm not sure why the women's session appears first in the conference archives for April 2015. Usually the Womens/YW sessions are last. But maybe this was the point where they started counting the Women's Session as part of Conference instead of…whatever they used to consider it. And maybe it took place before the week of the other sessions. Anyway, it means I read two women's sessions in a row, and that was fun!

I think my favorite talk from this session was by Sister Bonnie Oscarson (my friend!…at least, her daughter is my friend)…but the quote that stood out to me was from Sister Cheryl A. Esplin.

When filled with the Spirit and with gospel truth, we have the power to withstand the outside forces of the world that surround and push against us. However, if we are not filled spiritually, we don’t have the inner strength to resist the outside pressures and can collapse when forces push against us.

I just like this analogy. It’s like the parable Jesus told about the evil spirits that came in again to the empty house. I like the idea of proactively filling our homes with so much good, rather than just fearfully trying to keep bad things away.

A family sundered!

It was my dear friend Rachael's hour of need! What could I do but go to her? (I do have to admit here that she's had at least two other hours of need during which I was sadly absent. But I am mending my ways!) Rachael's son was getting married and, thanks to Seb's flight benefits, I was in a position to hop on a flight to Edmonton and make myself useful. I brought Goldie (also on the flight benefits this year, as you may recall) to make herself useful as well.

Meanwhile…the rest of the family went to a Nielson Family reunion in Fairview at this place, Hideaway Valley Lodge. I, of course, didn't see it in person, but it looks like a cool place. Sort of four houses joined together by a big sport court/common room in the center. So when they cooked dinner, for example, they were doing it in four different kitchens and then just bringing it all out into the common room to eat. I guess it worked pretty well?

Lake Catherine 2026

It's been a year or two since we've done our favorite summer hike. Four years, in fact, I see upon consulting my records! Goodness, where does the time go? We were in Quebec one of those years. In Oregon one of the others, I believe. Still, hard to believe that last time we went (for Daisy's birthday) she was only turning 13! A baby!

Pioneer Day, &c.

We often go to my mom's ward's Pioneer Day party on July 24th. They've been doing it since before I was born—homemade ice cream and a pioneer parade for the Primary children. I used to love it so much when I was little. But they didn't have it this year, so we had our own very modest pioneer day celebrations. We made homemade root beer, and homemade bread and butter, and our own homemade ice cream. All delicious!

Trip to St. George

When we went on our family trip last year, we thought it might be our last one with Malachi, but since he didn't leave till mid-summer, we managed to fit this year's trip in before he left! A bonus trip with Ky. So good. 

Fortunately, we found a rental house in St. George to make it quick and easy enough to do between everything else that had to happen this summer! 

Unfortunately, that also meant we'd be in St. George in July, which is…not the ideal time to visit. The temperature while we were there was consistently 108º. 

Fortunately, we had a house with a swimming pool!

Our place in His kingdom

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the General Women's Session of the October 2014 Conference. 

I find myself thinking about "confidence before God" frequently ever since President Nelson's talk last year. (His last Conference talk! 😢) It's such an interesting idea—the thought that our own lack of confidence is often what keeps us from receiving more from God. You'd think, with pride being such a danger to our souls, that maybe confidence would be dangerous too. And perhaps some kinds are. But not the confidence that lets us boldly approach the throne of grace, because that is based on obedience and trust in God. President Nelson said,

As we diligently seek to have charity and virtue fill our lives, our confidence in approaching God will increase. I invite you to take intentional steps to grow in your confidence before the Lord. Then, as we go to our Heavenly Father with increasing confidence, we will be filled with more joy, and your faith in Jesus Christ will increase. We will begin to experience spiritual power that exceeds our greatest hopes.

As I read the talks from this October 2014 Women's Session, two of them helped me understand that concept better. One was President Uchtdorf's, where he said:

The promised blessings of God to the faithful are glorious and inspiring. Among them are “thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths.” And it takes more than a spiritual birth certificate or a “Child of God Membership Card” to qualify for these incomprehensible blessings.

But how do we attain them?

The Savior has answered this question in our time:

“Except ye abide my law ye cannot attain to this glory.

“For strait is the gate, and narrow the way that leadeth unto the exaltation. …

“… Receive ye, therefore, my law.”

For this reason, we speak of walking the path of discipleship.

We speak of obedience to God’s commandments.

We speak of living the gospel joyfully, with all our heart, might, mind, and soul.

At first glance this seems a little confidence-undermining, if anything: is he saying just being a child of God isn't enough? That's just what we fear, isn't it? We fear that we aren't good or important or chosen enough to receive what God has? But actually Elder Uchtdorf doesn't say anything about "good enough." He says discipleship, obedience, living the gospel. Just like President Nelson's emphasis on virtue, his emphasis here is on what we can do to become like God, and obedience is one of the things we can actually most easily do! Because obedience includes repentance, all it really takes is our own desire and willingness, and then making one effort, one step at a time, according to our best understanding.

But then this, from Sister Jean A. Stevens, made the last connection for me:

Covenants with God help us to know who we really are. They connect us to Him in a personal way through which we come to feel our value in His sight and our place in His kingdom.

Something about this explanation works for me. I know covenants give us power, but in this way they also give us confidence. Keeping covenants helps us (correctly) feel that our place is with God! It's almost like covenants prove to us, when we would otherwise (also maybe correctly) feel those "I can't possibly be good or important or chosen enough" feelings, that we DO belong with our Heavenly Father. We belong there because we've chosen to get on the path to get there! Sort of like you wouldn't be afraid to ask your piano teacher for help learning a piano piece. That fact that you couldn't already play the piece wouldn't stop you; that's the whole reason you're there. Your clumsiness and your ignorance as you first try to fumble through the notes wouldn't make you think, "Oh, I shouldn't be here. I can't play for my piano teacher sounding like this!" You'd know that you already signed up for lessons. Your teacher is sitting there next to you for the entire purpose of helping you be a better pianist. Why not show him exactly where you are and ask him the questions that will help you improve?

Our covenants with God can work the same way. "Of course I should ask God my questions, I'm going to him for 'godhood lessons.' Why wouldn't He want to hear from me? We're already in a contractual relationship where I asked Him to help me and He agreed He always would!" Obviously He is a Father too, and loves us always, but as Elder Uchtdorf said that fact alone doesn't necessarily reassure us. It's our virtue (as President Nelson says) and our discipleship (as President Uchtdorf says) and our covenants that prove (to us ourselves!) that we not only can approach God for help, but we definitely have the right to!

Peace will radiate out from you

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the October 2014 Conference.

Here's a great promise about scripture study from Elder Richard G. Scott. I love it because it's so surprisingly broad and also so personal:

As you dedicate time every day, personally and with your family, to the study of God’s word, peace will prevail in your life. That peace won’t come from the outside world. It will come from within your home, from within your family, from within your own heart. It will be a gift of the Spirit. It will radiate out from you to influence others in the world around you. You will be doing something very significant to add to the cumulative peace in the world.

Pre-Ky-goodbye July

Various and sundry things occupied us as the days sped by toward Malachi's departure! We went to the new "Inside a Temple" Experience at Temple Square. It was really good. They have built a sort of mini-temple under the visitor's center and you actually get to go through it and see what the different rooms look like. We loved it! I'm so glad people who have never been inside a temple will get to see it! (You can even take pictures inside, but I didn't.)

Wherefore murmur ye because that ye shall receive more of my word?

(Forgive the slight irreverence of this post's title; I was referencing my post about my previous book!)

Well! Amidst six months in Quebec, two weddings and an engagement, three missionaries, and a million other things that make up our real lives, Rachael and I somehow finished our second book! It took us four years this time (I think our last book was three; at this rate we only have a couple more left in us before we become too senile to write) and it included two rather lengthy periods of getting burned out and basically giving up on it altogether. But the beauty of having a co-author is that you can't just wallow in your own discouragement forever, and one or the other of us always eventually said, "Shall we just try a slight rewrite of this part…?" and got us going again.

This book is a Scarlet Pimpernel re-telling, in the same magical "world" as our other book—though it takes place before that one and isn't connected to it. After all this time, both Rachael and I still like it, which is more than I can say for some things I've written!

Love for the prophet is a gift from God

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the October 2014 Conference.

I liked this simple quote from President Eyring in this week's Conference:

Don’t take lightly the feeling you get of love for the prophet of God. Wherever I go in the Church, whoever the prophet is at the time, members will ask, “When you get back to Church headquarters, will you please tell the prophet how much we love him?”

That is far more than hero worship or the feelings we sometimes have of admiring heroic figures. It is a gift from God. With it you will receive more easily the gift of confirming revelation when he speaks in his office as the Lord’s prophet. The love you feel is the love the Lord has for whoever is His spokesman.

Since I've been an adult at least, I think I have always grown to love the current prophet. I haven't really known how I get to that point—maybe just by hearing so many of his talks over the years, and learning little details about him. But I didn't realize that feeling of love was a gift from God. And I didn't know that "with it you will receive more easily the gift of confirming revelation when he speaks." I love to know that! And it makes sense. You learn to listen to your parents because you love your parents. You give a teacher's words more weight when you love that teacher. You trust counsel from a friend when you love that friend. So of course love can help us listen to the prophet better—but I think it's cool that with the prophet, it's more than just "I respect this guy; I'll hear him out"—it's actually a spiritual gift that can protect us from Satan's traps. And it's something we can strive for even when it doesn't come as naturally:

That [feeling of love] is not easy to feel continually because the Lord often asks His prophets to give counsel that is hard for people to accept. The enemy of our souls will try to lead us to take offense and to doubt the prophet’s calling from God.

I have seen how the Holy Ghost can touch a softened heart to protect a humble disciple of Jesus Christ with confirming revelation.

Enemies of the church (and even some people within the church) would twist this idea into "never question what the prophet says," and they'd scoff at it. But that's not what President Eyring says at all. He says that when we start from a position of "I love the prophet, and He is God's spokesman," it actually gives us more clarity and more power to get revelation to discern for ourselves whether what he is saying is true. And in a way, that's how it works even with Heavenly Father Himself! When we love Him, and react to challenges or commandments as if they are coming from someone we love, it helps us see things as they really are. It helps us keep responding with trust when we're confused. It helps us be a little more patient with apparent unfairness. Our love for God is truly a gift for us! And so is our love for God's prophet.

All the camps

Someday June will not be full of camps for us. This year was not that year. And knowing Malachi would be leaving for his mission this summer (but not when) made everything feel a little more frantic. It was our stake's year for FSY, and Ky decided to go one more time, but he went the last week of May to make sure it wouldn't interfere with his mission. The girls (Daisy and Junie) wanted to go to FSY early in June also to avoid conflicting with YW camp, but that meant they had to go to Snow College instead of the much-more-convenient BYU. And Malachi had all kinds of last-camping-trips and last-time-with-this-friend events he wanted to do in addition to our own family trip we were hoping to fit in. Whew! It makes me tired just remembering it.

A seriousness of purpose

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Priesthood Session of the October 2014 Conference.

I was struck by the tone of some of these Conference talks, especially Elder Cook's and Elder Uchtdorf's. I don't even know quite what I want to say about it. President Uchtdorf never sounds mean or judgmental. He is always full of love. (Maybe that's why he can call people to repentance!) But these two talks were very much of the sober, arise-my-sons-and-be-men, call-to-repentance variety. And I feel like I just don't hear that very much lately! Is it just my perception? (You do hear people say things like "when I was young, the church was a lot more hard-line" or "when I was young we didn't focus on the Atonement as much," and I don't know if that's really true—I find, reading these old talks, that there is a lot more love and mercy and grace preached than people give the "old church" credit for.) Or possibly there really is a shift away from this strong, firm tone in conference talks today? [Okay, I looked through the most recent Conference. And there are several talks that do have a "we need to do better!" sort of tone, even if it's not said outright. So I think maybe I am just exaggerating the generational shift.]

Anyway, I of course dislike being scolded as much as the next guy, but there's something I really like about this gentle-but-also-deadly-serious talk. Maybe it makes me feel like the gospel is real—like we really need to start living better now and there's no time for messing around. And that makes me feel like the Second Coming of Jesus Christ really is actually going to come soon, and I like believing that! But I also know that for some people, a call-to-repentance talk makes them feel guilty and paralyzed and want to give up altogether. (But is that just because they don't sense the love of God behind these calls? I don't know.) 

Well, whatever the reason, this is the quote that felt most powerful to me from Elder Cook's talk:

I encourage everyone, young and old, to review goals and objectives and strive to exercise greater discipline. Our daily conduct and choices should be consistent with our goals. We need to rise above rationalizations and distractions. It is especially important to make choices consistent with our covenants to serve Jesus Christ in righteousness. We must not take our eyes off or drop that ball for any reason.…

This life is the time to prepare to meet God. We are a happy, joyous people. We appreciate a good sense of humor and treasure unstructured time with friends and family. But we need to recognize that there is a seriousness of purpose that must undergird our approach to life and all our choices.

I feel this in my life more and more. Not every moment. Sometimes I still just want to relax and do something easier for a while. But in general, I feel more serious about each little thing because I'm starting to recognize how little time I have left (with my kids specifically, but honestly even on earth!). I was just telling my kids how when I do get a few minutes to practice the piano these days, I do it so differently than when I was young. Now I just want to do whatever it takes to actually learn the piece right! Why would I keep playing fast without stopping, just so I can make the same mistakes over again the next time? Why would I put in almost enough work to make it good and then just hurry past the difficult parts hoping no one will notice the sloppiness or the missed notes? That feels like such a waste to me. I don't want to sound "good enough." I want to actually master the music. I want to actually know the piece—for my fingers to know it, for my mind to know it, to understand what it means to me and what I am trying to create when I play it. Obviously I have time limitations and technique limitations so I can't actually just play everything perfectly, and that's fine, but if I AM practicing, I have no desire to just go through the motions so I can say "I spent an hour on it!" Who cares the time it took. I want the music to SOUND like I want it to sound.

And I feel something similar for the gospel. Of course, like anyone, I rush through my prayers sometimes and I fall asleep while reading my scriptures and going to the temple, and I get fed up with my kids and think "why do I always have to be the one who apologizes and forgives?" But at least more than when I was younger, I'm not interested in justifying that behavior or trying to gloss over it. I actually do want Heavenly Father to "refiner's fire" it out of me. 

And I just feel serious about discipleship! Even in the midst of really not liking something and not wanting to go through it, I usually manage to think with some part of myself, "But…if this is the cost of becoming like God, I am willing to go through it." I see my growing children and I see the lives of other people who are struggling and suffering and I just think, "I'm not interested in going through all the hard things in life pointlessly. I only want to do this if there's a purpose in it! Sure it's a lot of work to follow Jesus. But it's work that gets you somewhere! It's work with a beautiful end result! Why would I want to have an easier life that won't end up being as fulfilling or meaningful in the end?"

Personal confidence before God

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the October 2014 Conference.

In this session, I loved Elder Jörg Klebingat—not only for his name (probably) but also for his talk! It reminded me a lot of President Nelson's talk on confidence. He talked about how we need to keep the commandments and give our best efforts not just because we "should," but because doing that is the only thing that will give us the confidence we need to approach (and receive blessings from) God. It's so interesting to think about it this way:

The adversary knows that faith in Christ—the kind of faith that produces a steady stream of tender mercies and even mighty miracles—goes hand in hand with a personal confidence that you are striving to choose the right.

It seems counterintuitive to think that the confidence is for us—we need confidence before God and we can only get it by doing what we know we should do! It seems a little unfair when you think of it from one angle, like, "But if I were confident that I was already doing what was right, I wouldn't NEED so much help from God!" True, and Satan tries to capitalize on that:

For that reason [Satan] will seek access to your heart to tell you lies—lies that Heavenly Father is disappointed in you, that the Atonement is beyond your reach, that there is no point in even trying, that everyone else is better than you, that you are unworthy, and a thousand variations of that same evil theme.

As long as you allow these voices to chisel away at your soul, you can’t approach the throne of God with real confidence. Whatever you do, whatever you pray for, whatever hopes for a miracle you may have, there will always be just enough self-doubt chipping away at your faith—not only your faith in God but also your confidence in yourself. Living the gospel in this manner is no fun, nor is it very healthy. Above all, it is completely unnecessary! The decision to change is yours—and yours alone.

I guess it's like spiritual momentum or like the parable of the talents or like comparing the word to a seed…you do have to start with something. Desire, or effort, or a particle of faith. (I wrote about this last week too!) But once you start, it will build on itself, and each step will lead to more help from God, and each help from God will build your confidence more. But the initial moment of agency and effort from us is not optional. (And by initial I mean repetitively initial—we have to take that "first step" over and over as we gain experience and maturity and face new challenges.)

I also liked this suggestion of a way to decide to be confident even amidst trials:

When these trials come, the adversary’s minions begin broadcasting that you did something wrong, that this is a punishment, a sign that Heavenly Father does not love you. Ignore that! Instead, try to force a smile, gaze heavenward, and say, “I understand, Lord. I know what this is. A time to prove myself, isn’t it?” Then partner with Him to endure well to the end. Spiritual confidence increases when you accept that “often trials and tribulations are allowed to come into [your life] because of what [you] are doing right."

…Acknowledge and face your weaknesses, but don’t be immobilized by them, because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life. No matter what your current status, the very moment you voluntarily choose honest, joyful, daily repentance by striving to simply do and be your very best, the Savior’s Atonement envelops and follows you, as it were, wherever you go."

Isn't that a great image? Being enveloped by the Savior's atonement no matter what? Being surrounded by the tools and the power to repent immediately no matter how badly you keep falling short? And that blessing can be ours "the very moment" we decide to keep giving our best efforts to God.

Exert ourselves, repent, and choose God

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the October 2014 Conference.

I thought Elder Christofferson's talk about agency was one of the clearest explanations of that doctrine I've ever read. I'm not sure I can explain why—maybe I'm just able to comprehend it better than I was a couple decades ago—but it helped me understand the nature of agency in ways I never have before. For example, this:

God will not act to make us something we do not choose by our actions to become.

It's so simple but has such deep implications. Why won't God save everyone? Why does he give us commandments? Why must there be degrees of glory in heaven? All those questions are answered by this one principle: God will not act to make us something we do not choose by our actions to become. I think it's beautiful. Because God loves us so much, he wants us to truly choose what and whom we want to be. He learns (or we learn) what and who we want to be by what we choose to do. Since He knows we are children and don't know how choose good sometimes, He gives us commandments as a guide to becoming like Him, and if we choose to act in harmony with those, we will become like Him. Everything depends on what we choose—not, as Elder Christofferson points out clearly, through our own work, because we can do nothing of ourselves—but through God's help in every moment we choose to follow Him:

Truly He loves us, and because He loves us, He neither compels nor abandons us. Rather He helps and guides us. Indeed, the real manifestation of God’s love is His commandments.

It’s amazing to me to realize that God’s commitment to our agency, to letting us choose what we truly want, is SO great that he will not act against it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to let us do what we want. It’s that he wants SO much to let us do what we want that he will absolutely not intervene to make us into someone we have not CHOSEN to become—even if that means letting some of our potential go unrealized. But at the same time, He makes it abundantly possible for anyone who even slightly does want to become like Him, to absolutely have every tool to do so.

Then Elder Christofferson explains how justice and mercy connect to our agency through the linking principle of repentance:

The gospel of Jesus Christ opens the path to what we may become. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His grace, our failures to live the celestial law perfectly and consistently in mortality can be erased and we are enabled to develop a Christlike character. Justice demands, however, that none of this happen without our willing agreement and participation.…

Justice is an essential attribute of God. We can have faith in God because He is perfectly trustworthy. …We rely on the divine quality of justice for faith, confidence, and hope.…

It is compelling evidence of His justice that God has forged the companion principle of mercy. It is because He is just that He devised the means for mercy to play its indispensable role in our eternal destiny.…

Even so, “according to justice, the plan of redemption could not be brought about, only on conditions of repentance.” It is the requirement of and the opportunity for repentance that permits mercy to perform its labor without trampling justice.

Christ died not to save indiscriminately but to offer repentance. We rely “wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save” in the process of repentance, but acting to repent is a self-willed change. So by making repentance a condition for receiving the gift of grace, God enables us to retain responsibility for ourselves. Repentance respects and sustains our moral agency: “And thus mercy can satisfy the demands of justice, and encircles them in the arms of safety, while he that exercises no faith unto repentance is exposed to the whole law of the demands of justice; therefore only unto him that has faith unto repentance is brought about the great and eternal plan of redemption.”

To me this suggests that repentance is not a determined wrenching of one's self to just stop being bad, or a sort of superhuman act of change needed as I've sometimes felt it must be. Instead it's more like repentance starts with a tiny crucial moment of choice, (a "space granted," if you will) during which all we must do is turn our hearts to desire God. The moment we wish/will/desire to follow Him (activating our agency to make even the tiniest effort), Christ's mercy and enabling power flood down to help us continue, at which point we can exercise our agency again to obey what the Spirit has given us and thus receive even more aid.

This was another part of the talk I thought was amazing: 

To those who believe anything or everything could be true, the declaration of objective, fixed, and universal truth feels like coercion—“I shouldn’t be forced to believe something is true that I don’t like.” But that does not change reality. Resenting the law of gravity won’t keep a person from falling if he steps off a cliff. The same is true for eternal law and justice. Freedom comes not from resisting it but from applying it. That is fundamental to God’s own power. If it were not for the reality of fixed and immutable truths, the gift of agency would be meaningless since we would never be able to foresee and intend the consequences of our actions.

Maybe that seems obvious (I’ve heard the “the law of gravity works whether you believe it or not” analogy before) but that last sentence—"If it were not for the reality of fixed and immutable truths, the gift of agency would be meaningless since we would never be able to foresee and intend the consequences of our actions”—is something I’d never thought about with God before. There must be fixed truth in the universe or there is no virtue in choosing good—since there would be no way of telling what “good” was and no guarantee that choosing “good” wouldn’t end up making lots of people miserable! Of course, as imperfect beings it is possible for us to choose what we THINK is good and end up making people unhappy with it because our understanding is flawed. Or people might be unhappy even when we do good to them, because they aren’t in the right place to receive that good yet. BUT for God, who knows all truth, we can count on the fact that when he says something is good, it IS good and will lead to good. We can count on His laws leading to exactly the outcomes He says they will lead to. And therefore we can exercise our agency FOR good or FOR bad, and our choice is meaningful (even if the immediate consequences aren’t exactly what we intended or predicted).

This summary just feels so right to me:

I am under no illusion that [any of this] can be achieved by our own efforts alone without His very substantial and constant help. “We know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” And we do not need to achieve some minimum level of capacity or goodness before God will help—divine aid can be ours every hour of every day, no matter where we are in the path of obedience. But I know that beyond desiring His help, we must exert ourselves, repent, and choose God for Him to be able to act in our lives consistent with justice and moral agency. My plea is simply to take responsibility and go to work so that there is something for God to help us with.

Of course I've always known agency is an essential part of God's plan. And I've learned in recent years the counterpoint of how little we can affect the agency of others! All of us will have and be what we ultimately desire to have and be. But I love the interweaving principle here of God helping us discover what we really want to have and be, of God helping us experience different ways of having and being so our choice is an informed one—even of God giving us strength and power beyond our own so we can taste some of the fruits of having what He has and being what He is long before we actually earn them. Knowing that the smallest, most fumbling efforts to "exert ourselves, repent, and choose God" will lead to all that help (for anyone! No matter how lost or stubborn!) is one of the most hopeful doctrines the gospel offers.

Goodbye, Ky!

I've been to two funerals in the past four days (both for people I had connections to, but knew only slightly) which has given me lots of opportunity to reflect on how we remember or encapsulate a person's life. I think I've said before that I notice more and more how much the talks at funerals say about the person giving the talk. We can't help but understand others in relation to what we are experiencing, and what we currently need to understand. I don't think that's a bad thing, but it's just interesting to think that in spite of all my efforts to act and be a certain way—"who I am" to another person will also depend on the lens that person is looking through.

Someone to share her load

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the General Women's Session of the April 2014 Conference.

I remember this conference! It was the first time they let eight-year-olds come to the women's session, and it was a "General Women's Meeting" instead of Relief Society or Young Women. I thought it was a great idea and was sad that Daisy wasn't quite old enough to go with me—"but," I thought, "there will be plenty of time for us to go together in the years ahead." I'm still sad that's not how it worked out. I miss the Women's Session, and the Priesthood Session too, for that matter. And the Saturday Evening Session too, now! *sigh* Actually…now I think of it, did I GO to this session? No, surely not. But my dear friend's mother, Bonnie Oscarson, was in the young women's presidency at this time, so I know I went to one of these!

From the talks, I particularly liked this quote from Sister Oscarson's talk "Oh, How We Need Each Other.":

Mary was a young woman when she was informed of her remarkable mission to be the mother of the Son of God. Initially it must have seemed to be a heavy responsibility to bear alone. It was the Lord Himself who provided Mary with someone to share her load. Through the message of the angel Gabriel, Mary was given the name of a trusted and sympathetic woman to whom she could turn for support—her cousin Elisabeth.

This young maiden and her cousin, who was “well stricken in years,” shared a common bond in their miraculous pregnancies, and I can only imagine how very important the three months they spent together were to both of them as they were able to talk together, empathize with each other, and support one another in their unique callings. What a wonderful model they are of feminine nurturing between generations.

"It was the Lord Himself who provided Mary with someone to share her load." I think that is so beautiful, maybe because I too have been the recipient of such a gift. It's hard to find true friends, close friends, as an adult. And, of course, that's okay. I have actually been surprised at how much "semi-close" friends—people with whom you connect with in some way, but maybe only over a specific thing, or for a specific time period like when you are in a calling together, or mostly on more surface-level topics—can still bless your life. Not everyone has to be a "best friend," and relationships can be valuable (I'm learning) on many levels. I'm sure the Lord could have, and did, provide Mary with lots of good neighbors and relatives who could help her with babies and give her marital advice and lend her cups of cornmeal. BUT! I just love it that He ALSO provided a specific person, a special person, a true friend to lighten and share her load—someone Mary may not have predicted. Someone she may not have even connected with very well before…but someone who knew her, understood her, and could comfort her in this specific circumstance, at this time when she needed support so much.

I don't know where Mary's mother was at this time. Maybe she had died earlier. And how did Mary find and decide to visit Elizabeth? How did she know this relative was the very person she needed? It would be so interesting to know more of that story, but ultimately it doesn't matter because

1. God knew the friendship Mary needed, and

2. He led her to it.

It's meaningful to me because God has done the same for me. I am blessed to have a happy marriage. Because of that, and for all the normal busy reasons we all have, I perhaps haven't worked as hard to seek female friendship as I should have. Maybe, having grown up with all brothers, I haven't known quite how to find it. But God has been so good. He has dropped sisters into my lap right when I need them. Through callings, through proximity, and even through far-off virtual connections, he has ensured I have love and support and comfort through sisterhood. He has let me see His hand working through my friends. These women aren't always in my ward Relief Society, they aren't always my assigned ministering sisters, but they are sisters in the gospel and I know that's just as God intended it. I love Him for wanting us to need each other, and I love Him for leading me to these dear friends I might not have found on my own. "Oh how we need each other!" It is so true!

Family in Quebec

Ever since we got back from Quebec a year and a half ago, I've been working on the family history of a bunch of ancestors from Quebec City. I didn't even know I HAD ancestors from there, and true, they are rather distant cousins, but I have felt more and more close to them and very happy to do their temple work. I found my first name when I went to do initiatory ordinances at the temple and was randomly given the name of a lady who had been born in Quebec. Because I felt that little connection with her, I remembered her name and her birthday, and when I went home, I looked her up, and I was related to her! I was able to request her other ordinances, and while I was doing that, I started looking at records for her siblings and parents, leading me to even more people.

Quebec Trip with Daisy

Are you the type of person who likes to watch your favorite movies and read your favorite books again and again? Or are you, like our son Malachi, scornful of such wasted time and prefer to never revisit something you've already done? I am the former. But if you are the latter, feel free to skip right past these pictures of places we've already been and things we've already done!

The gentle tug of the Spirit

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2014 Conference.

This week I loved Elder Boyd K Packer's powerful testimony of Jesus Christ. He spoke like He knew God personally, maybe had even seen Him. Now for sure he has! I also liked Elder L. Tom Perry's talk  about obedience:

An obedient horse which is part of a well-trained team of horses needs little more than a gentle tug from the driver to do exactly what he wants it to do. This gentle tug is equivalent to the still, small voice with which the Lord speaks to us. Out of respect for our agency, it is never a strong, forceful tug.…

So the lesson my grandfather taught me was always to be ready to receive the gentle tug of the Spirit. He taught me that I would always receive such a prompting if I ever veered off course. And I would never be guilty of more serious wrongdoings if I allowed the Spirit to guide me in my decisions.

I have noticed many times that when I'm getting frustrated or angry with my children (or whoever, I guess, but it's usually only my children 😩), there is a moment where I could stop. It's like the moment when you hear your alarm to wake up, and you could wake up, but if you go back to sleep right then you'll think later, "Hey, I never even heard my alarm!" Likewise when I'm really getting overwhelmed or carried away by my anger, there's a moment I know it, and can stop. Sometimes I do stop. I take a breath, lower my voice, close my mouth, or whatever else I can manage. But sometimes I don't stop, and those are the times I feel so regretful or discouraged afterwards. Those are the times I think sadly later, "Parenthood truly does allow us to exercise unrighteous dominion."

I guess it's just comforting to me to know that there (usually? maybe always?) IS that moment so I will HAVE that choice. The Spirit will whisper, "stop now" or "go now," but it will only whisper it, and it's up to me to choose to hear!

I also recently read a quote about "believing blood" somewhere, about how some people are blessed to have an easier time believing, but we should also have compassion for others for whom it doesn't come as easily. This part of Elder Perry's talk reminded me of that:

I recognize that the challenges associated with having faith in Jesus Christ and obedience will be more difficult for some than others. I have had enough years of experience to know that the personalities of horses can be very different and, therefore, some horses can be easier or more difficult to train and that the variety of people is far greater. Each of us is a son or daughter of God, and we have a unique premortal and mortal story. Accordingly, there are very few one-size-fits-all solutions. And so I fully recognize the trial-and-error nature of life and, most importantly, the constant need of the second principle of the gospel, even repentance.

I'm sure this is true. For some reason, the belief that Heavenly Father and Jesus live and love me is almost a natural as breathing to me. I feel I have always known it. But still:

Strong, proactive obedience is anything but weak or passive. It is the means by which we declare our faith in God and qualify ourselves to receive the powers of heaven. Obedience is a choice. It is a choice between our own limited knowledge and power and God’s unlimited wisdom and omnipotence. According to the lesson my grandfather gave to me, it is a choice to sense the spiritual bit in our mouths and follow the driver’s lead.

Anyone can make that choice! And when we miss our moment, when we ignore the Spirit we know we should follow, we can repent and turn back, and choose a better obedience next time. I love knowing that.