Restoring charity's circular love

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Relief Society Session of the October 2003 Conference.

This session was soooo good! I miss the women's sessions of Conference. I know we can learn from all prophetic counsel (that's why I read the Priesthood Sessions) but it is always so good to hear counsel just for women! I wish we still had more chances for that.

I couldn't pick a favorite talk. Their theme (I also miss themes! I liked it when a session had a theme. Seems like the women did that a lot.) was the story of Mary and Martha, and I liked how Sister Bonnie D. Parkin explored how both of those women loved and served God. I do always feel a little bad for Martha in the story, and relate to her—I think we all do! Sister Parkin said,

Like all of you, I have to choose. We all are trying to choose the good part which cannot be taken from us, to balance the spiritual and the temporal in our lives. Wouldn’t it be easy if we were choosing between visiting teaching or robbing a bank? Instead, our choices are often more subtle. We must choose between many worthy options.

Mary and Martha are you and me; they are every sister in Relief Society. These two loved the Lord and wanted to show that love. On this occasion, it seems to me that Mary expressed her love by hearing His word, while Martha expressed hers by serving Him.

So why did Jesus rebuke (? or at least correct) Martha if she was serving him? I've wondered about that so many times, and Sister Parkin answers it by talking about true charity:

I don’t believe the Lord was saying there are Marthas and there are Marys. Jesus did not dismiss Martha’s concern, but instead redirected her focus by saying choose “that good part.” And what is that? …The one thing that is needful is to choose eternal life. We choose daily. As we seek, listen, and follow the Lord, we are encircled in the arms of His love—a love that is pure.…

The “pure love of Christ” refers not only to our love for the Savior but to His love for each of us.

The story of Mary and Martha also illustrates how the gift of charity can be diminished. Within Martha’s request for assistance was an unspoken but clear judgment: “I am right; she is wrong.”

Do we judge one another? Do we criticize each other for individual choices, thinking we know better, when in fact we rarely understand another’s unique circumstance or individual inspiration? Have we ever said, “She works outside the home.” Or, “Her son didn’t serve a mission.” Or, “She’s too old for a calling.” Or, “She can’t—she’s single.” Such judgments, and so many others like them, rob us of the good part, that pure love of Christ.

We also lose sight of that good part when we compare ourselves to others. Her hair is cuter, my legs are fatter, her children are more talented, or her garden’s more productive—sisters, you know the drill. We just can’t do that. We cannot allow ourselves to feel inadequate by focusing on who we aren’t instead of on who we are! We are all sisters in Relief Society. We simply cannot criticize, gossip, or judge and keep the pure love of Christ. Can’t you hear the Lord’s sweet injunction: “Martha, Martha … ?”

Elder Marvin J. Ashton beautifully observed: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

In exercising charity, we come to know a sister’s heart. When we know a sister’s heart, we are different. We won’t judge her. We will simply love her. I invite you to not only love each other more but love each other better. As we do this we will come to know with a surety that “charity never faileth.”

As seemed the case with Martha, one of the first things to go when I become cumbered about and troubled is my charitable attitude. Is this true for you?

I’ve learned that the best way to reclaim charity is to uncumber myself and simply love and serve the Lord. How do we do that? We start each day kneeling in prayer to our Father in Heaven, we hear His words through daily scripture study, and we follow the guidance we receive. We put Christ first, restoring charity’s circular love. “We love him, because he first loved us.” This is the reciprocating cycle of charity. Sisters, “charity never faileth.”

If I'm following her train of thought correctly, Sister Parkin is saying that Martha was doing something good, she was serving God through her actions—but she had forgotten why she was doing it, and so she had ceased to feel God's love while doing it. This happens to me all the time, especially when working on some thankless task at home: cooking, cleaning, organizing, managing. I keep doing my duty, but it resent it—or I resent whoever isn't helping me—or I resent that I'm not being appreciated—or whatever. And Sister Parkin is right—it happens when things get hard and stressful and heavy. My charity falters. And that makes everything harder and more stressful and heavier! Jesus didn't want that for Martha and He doesn't want it for me—He wants us to feel His love! That's why we need to choose the "good part"—to choose to feel and receive His love.

I really love the idea of a "circular love." I actually have that "we love him because he first loved us" scripture come to mind quite frequently. I hold onto it in hope when I wonder if my children will ever learn to seek God's love. It comforts me to know that Jesus does love, and keeps loving, all of us—and that His love must inevitably (I hope?) draw us back to Him! I find it so heartening to think that my love (if it's drawn from His love) can do the same—it can draw my children closer to me—and me closer to God—and thus them closer to God as well.

So Sister Parkin's thought about "circular love" makes me feel like we can enter or refresh that cycle at any point. Both sides reinforce each other, like spiritual momentum. If I feel "cumbered about" and resentful, like Martha, I can remember why I'm doing all these things—because I love God. And I love Him because He loves me so well. And if I'm thinking about and focusing on how well He loves me, it makes me want to love Him even more—and it makes me want to serve His children even more—and it makes me not really care whether someone else is doing as much as me, or appreciating me. And when I serve like that—freely, joyfully, willingly—I myself begin to feel God's love and approval even more. It's a positive feedback loop, like breastfeeding or blood clotting. I think that is so joyful!

I can't quote all the other things I liked from this session or it would be too long, but just one more story I loved from President Hinckley's talk which I think goes along with this idea too:

Many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient.

We all feel that way. I feel that way as I speak to you tonight. I long for, I pray for the power and the capacity to lift you, to inspire you, to thank you, to praise you, and to bring a measure of gladness into your hearts.

We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do.

I remember going to a stake conference in the East many years ago. On the plane coming home, I felt that I had been a total failure. I felt I had not touched anyone for good. I was miserable with a sense of inadequacy.

Then, some years later, I was at another conference in California. At the conclusion of the meeting a man came up to me and said, “You were at a conference a few years ago in such-and-such a place.”

“Yes,” I said, “I was there, and I remember the occasion.”

The man said: “You touched my heart. I came to that meeting out of curiosity. I really had no interest. I was on the verge of leaving the Church. But when it was announced that one of the Twelve Apostles would be there, I decided to go.

“You said something that started me to think. It touched me and stayed with me and stirred me. I decided to alter my course. I turned my life around. I am now living here in California. I have a good job, for which I am grateful. I hope I am a good husband and father. And I am now serving as a counselor in the bishopric of my ward. I am happier than I have ever been at any time in my life.”

I thanked him, and when I left him I said to myself, shaking my head: “You never know. You never know whether you do any good. You never know how much good you do.”

Now, my dear sisters, that is the way with you. You are doing the best you can, and that best results in good to yourself and to others. Do not nag yourself with a sense of failure. Get on your knees and ask for the blessings of the Lord; then stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do. Then leave the matter in the hands of the Lord. You will discover that you have accomplished something beyond price.

President Hinckley, in my opinion, had the perfect mix of gentleness and matter-of-factness. He always had kind, comforting words—given with an air of expectation and no-nonsense that left no room for self-pity. I love it! "Do not nag yourself with a sense of failure"—just "stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do." That's what Jesus wanted Martha to do; what he wants all of us to do. Serve Him. Do it for love of Him. And trust Him to turn the work for our good and our joy in the end.

Other posts in this series:

Choosing the good part—by Rozy