This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the October 2008 Conference.
Elder Hales' talk was so good! He spoke on a topic I feel I am only just barely beginning to understand. It's a topic I feel is very much "for recent days" (and has been talked about so much lately by President Nelson and President Oaks!) so it's interesting that he was already talking about it 17 years ago. He starts with this:
One of mortality’s great tests comes when our beliefs are questioned or criticized. In such moments, we may want to respond aggressively—to “put up our dukes.” But these are important opportunities to step back, pray, and follow the Savior’s example. …When we respond to our accusers as the Savior did, we not only become more Christlike, we invite others to feel His love and follow Him as well.
I say I'm just beginning to understand this not because it's anything new, obviously. Of course I've known since I was little that we should "love our enemies" etc. But I think I've just kind of held back in my mind, and still do to some extent, thinking, "Well…but…you have to defend goodness and stand up to evil. And you can't back down on that. And mean people use 'niceness' against nice people." …Along with a bunch of other excuses which have valid and defensible points but are, ultimately, not the point. That's what I'm learning.
And it's not like Elder Hales is advocating some naive passivity. He says,
"To respond in a Christlike way cannot be scripted or based on a formula.…Some people mistakenly think responses such as silence, meekness, forgiveness, and bearing humble testimony are passive or weak. But to “love [our] enemies, bless them that curse [us], do good to them that hate [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us], and persecute [us]” takes faith, strength, and, most of all, Christian courage.…When we do not retaliate—when we turn the other cheek and resist feelings of anger—we … stand with the Savior. We show forth His love, which is the only power that can subdue the adversary and answer our accusers without accusing them in return. That is not weakness. That is Christian courage.
That idea that resisting even feelings of anger is an act of discipleship and courage is so powerful. Again, there have been so many times in my life where I just can't stand to give up on my "justified" outrage over some unfairness. I feel so secure in my own unassailable "rightness" that I miss the entire lesson, which isn't about being right at all! (And it's so funny that I struggle with this, because I see it so clearly and think it's so dumb when my kids do it to each other! I see them deceiving even themselves all the time, pretending all they want is to get other people to follow the rules, all they want is that “justice” be served—when in reality it is all about their own pride and being right. They are so filled with confidence in their own position that they are blind. And I know I am often just as blind for the same reason!)
There are so many great doctrines in this talk. I especially loved:
As we respond to others, each circumstance will be different. Fortunately, the Lord knows the hearts of our accusers and how we can most effectively respond to them. As true disciples seek guidance from the Spirit, they receive inspiration tailored to each encounter. And in every encounter, true disciples respond in ways that invite the Spirit of the Lord.…As true disciples, our primary concern must be others’ welfare, not personal vindication. Questions and criticisms give us an opportunity to reach out to others and demonstrate that they matter to our Heavenly Father and to us. Our aim should be to help them understand the truth, not defend our egos or score points in a theological debate. Our heartfelt testimonies are the most powerful answer we can give our accusers. And such testimonies can only be borne in love and meekness.
and then a key point:
These qualities are first learned in the home and family and can be practiced in all our relationships.
I am beginning to see how some of the most frustrating interactions with my children, where I've felt so hurt and betrayed and unappreciated, and have wondered "Why do I always have to be the one who says sorry and reaches out again"—the times when it has all seemed most unfair, and it is unfair—are also the times when I'm getting this essential practice in love, patience, and meekness. These are the places where I'm starting to glimpse how only love, not contentious argument, can influence others. And where I'm learning that having and keeping the Spirit is actually more comforting than the impossible goal of getting everyone to just quit being bad all the time and agree with me. :)
And maybe in another forty years I'll have made enough progress to echo with any credibility these beautiful words of Elder Hales:
To all who seek to know how we should respond to our accusers, I reply, we love them. Whatever their race, creed, religion, or political persuasion, if we follow Christ and show forth His courage, we must love them. We do not feel we are better than they are. Rather, we desire with our love to show them a better way—the way of Jesus Christ. …To help them, to be an example for them, is not for the weak. It is for the strong. It is for you and me, Latter-day Saints who pay the price of discipleship by answering our accusers with Christian courage.
