Because of who we are

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Welfare Session of the April 1981 Conference.

There was an incident in our family this week where one of my children professed to be deeply offended by the fact that some other members of the family were cringing away from him in fear every time he walked by. "They're just being oversensitive!" this child proclaimed piously. "Why do they assume I will do something bad to them? I wasn't even planning to do anything to them!" (He was brandishing a nerf gun at the time, I might add for context.) When I gave him what was no doubt a skeptical look, he looked even more wounded and said that no one ever gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I thought of this when I read Elder H. Burke Peterson's statement that

…perhaps a supreme form of charity may be exhibited by one who withholds judgment of another’s acts or conduct, remembering that there is only one who can look into the heart and know the intent—and know the honest desires found therein. There is only one whose right it is to judge the success of another’s journey through life. Uncalled-for judgments or prejudiced feelings keep many from displaying a truly charitable attitude or a willingness to help those in need, even those in our own family circle.

Are not our own family members entitled to every consideration…? Too often, charity is extended to another when his actions or conduct are acceptable to us. The exhibition of charity to another must not be dependent on his performance. It should be given because of who we are—not because of how we behave.

I suppose Elder Peterson might have been talking of adult family members, or siblings; people who don't have any stewardship over each other and thus no excuse for judgement. I feel like I am always saying something like this to my children about each other: "I'm sorry, but you still have to be nice even if she isn't being nice back!" "It doesn't matter if he's doing that, you still have to treat him with respect!"

And I know that as parents, we do have more of a responsibility to try to "look into the heart and know the intent" (and I can say quite honestly that I do sometimes know exactly what is going through my childen's heads!). But I still had a moment of understanding and sympathy with my boy, as I thought about how deflating it is when someone assumes ill intent when you don't mean any. It made me resolve to try to do better at showing even my most perpetually offending children—the ones that have established such bad track records that really they don't deserve much benefit of the doubt—a little more consideration. I know they still need discipline. And I know it's possible to give firm consequences without being uncharitable. But it is sometimes hard for me, with these perpetual offenders, to do all of that in quite the spirit of love and charity that one would hope for.

Yet, perpetual offenders or not, family members or not, under our stewardship or not—everyone likes to be thought well of. All of us like to have other people assume that our motivations are good and we're trying our hardest. All of us like the chance for a fresh start, without our past mistakes constantly being brought up. It's true for my poor maligned nerf-gun-toting paragon of innocent brotherhood. And it's also true for other people that seem really undeserving. It's just a good reminder for me in general, so I'll quote it again: "Too often, charity is extended to another when his actions or conduct are acceptable to us. The exhibition of charity to another must not be dependent on his performance. It should be given because of who we are."

Other posts in this series:

• Conference Talks and Home Teaching by Jan Tolman
• The importance of our childish childlike prayers by Nathaniel Givens