That sacred place only a few have the courage to enter

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the October 1993 Conference.

When I read this quote by Alexander Solzhenitsyn several years ago it struck me with such force that I've been thinking about it ever since:

If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing
good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?

I thought about it again when I read Elder Busche's relentlessly bracing—overwhelming, you might say—attack on self-deception. I feel like you don't run into this type of…brutally forthright treatment very often. But for me, it's very effective. And Elder Busche is right; I have found my prayers are much more meaningful when I'm willing to face Heavenly Father with this kind of honesty:

The issue is truth, my dear brothers and sisters, and the only way to find truth is through uncompromising self-education toward self-honesty to see the original “real me,” the child of God, in its innocence and potential in contrast to the influence from the other part of me, “the flesh,” with its selfish desires and foolishness.…With this enlightened understanding of the deadly battlefront inside of us, we are painfully aware that we can only ask for and receive the help of the Lord, as the God of truth, under the condition of complete and relentless self-honesty.

This war is a war that has to be fought by all of Heavenly Father’s children, whether they know about it or not. But without a keen knowledge of the plan of salvation, and without the influence of the divine Light of Christ to bring us awareness, this war is being fought subconsciously, and therefore its battlefronts are not even known to us, and we have no chance to win.

Elder Busche continues:

Enlightened by the Spirit of truth, we will then be able to pray for the increased ability to endure truth and not to be made angry by it. In the depth of such a prayer, we may finally be led to that lonesome place where we suddenly see ourselves naked in all soberness. Gone are all the little lies of self-defense. We see ourselves in our vanities and false hopes for carnal security. We are shocked to see our many deficiencies, our lack of gratitude for the smallest things. We are now at that sacred place that seemingly only a few have courage to enter, because this is that horrible place of unquenchable pain in fire and burning. This is that place where true repentance is born. This is that place where the conversion and the rebirth of the soul are happening. This is the place where the prophets were before they were called to serve. This is the place where converts find themselves before they can have the desire to be baptized for the remission of their sins. This is the place where sanctifications and re-dedications and renewal of covenants are happening. This is the place where suddenly the atonement of Christ is understood and embraced. This is the place where suddenly, when commitments have solemnly been established, the soul begins to “sing the song of redeeming love” and indestructible faith in Christ is born. This is the place where we suddenly see the heavens open as we feel the full impact of the love of our Heavenly Father, which fills us with indescribable joy. 

I just find that so fascinating—the turn from "unquenchable pain" to "indescribable joy." I have often noticed it in Alma's account of his angelic visitation, the "exquisite" pain and joy he contrasts with each other, but I hadn't made the connection to my own experiences in "pouring out my soul" to Heavenly Father. I can see it now, though! I often think about how substantial it feels when I feel God's approval and love. It goes down into my soul like few other things do, and I think it's because I know Heavenly Father knows ALL of me, the good and the bad. When I receive praise or compliments from others, it's nice, but there's always the lurking knowledge "ah, but that person doesn't REALLY know me, not ALL the things about me." But Heavenly Father does, so when he gives me a "well done" I really hold onto it. I think that's part of the "indescribable joy" of seeking truth about myself from Him.

The other part, of course, is knowing that Jesus Christ "doesn't recoil from the scabs of the sheep;" that He wants us to face our flaws but not be incapacitated by them, because we know HE has paid the price to take them from us. That knowledge, too, brings "indescribable joy."

I suppose that quote at the top has stuck with me because I feel its truth so clearly. I know I can ONLY overcome that feeling Solzhenitsyn talks about, that reluctance to "destroy a piece of my own heart," through trusting the Savior. I have to trust that Jesus Christ will recompense everything I lose in His service, and fill me with something even better to replace the parts of "myself" that have to be removed if I want to become like Him. Like Elder Busche says, it takes a lot of courage to enter that place of self-scrutiny (and of course, you have to enter it repeatedly as you continue to grow!). But it is worth it.