Had they only looked up

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the April 1981 Conference.

I've been thinking about this story, told by President James E. Faust, all week:

I should like to begin by relating a marvelous vision Joseph Smith the Prophet had concerning the Twelve Apostles in his day, which has profound significance for me. Heber C. Kimball recorded, “The following vision was manifested to him [Joseph Smith] as near as I can recollect: 

“He saw the Twelve going forth, and they appeared to be in a far distant land. After some time they unexpectedly met together, apparently in great tribulation, their clothes all ragged, and their knees and feet sore. They formed into a circle, and all stood with their eyes fixed upon the ground. The Savior appeared and stood in their midst and wept over them, and wanted to show Himself to them, but they did not discover Him.” 

A message that can be inferred from this is that, because the Twelve had suffered so much, had endured so greatly, and had so exhausted themselves in leading the battle of righteousness, they were bowed down and did not look up. Had they only looked up they might have beheld the Lord Jesus, who wanted them to see him, weeping over them, suffering with them, and standing in their midst.

I love the story because it has that reassuring footprints-in-the-sand-ish quality to it (but expressed in a more concrete way): God was there! He was there all along! They just didn't see Him! It's what I always want to believe.

But here's what I would like to understand: How, exactly, can we "look up" to see Jesus in our midst? Is He always there? Is He only there when we are worthy enough? What makes the difference in allowing us to see Him? I mean, obviously He is always "there" in the sense that He cares about us always. But there are so many times I'm searching for evidence of His presence. I feel like I'm looking for it so hard sometimes, I'm straining to see things that aren't even there. Sometimes I worry that I'm looking too hard. Like I need to just relax and accept that sometimes He doesn't WANT me to see Him; He wants me to learn to walk by faith. But in this story, it's taken for granted that Jesus DID want them to see Him. So…does He always want that? And it's always on our end that the blindness comes?

Some of these questions are addressed in the talk. President Faust talks about personal integrity and the pursuit of holiness. He talks about how things like repentance and consecration give us the necessary confidence to "look up" and see God. (That summary doesn't do his talk justice, so you should read the whole thing.) After reading through the talk a bunch of times, I think President Faust is saying that God DOES always want us to see Him nearby, but it's our personal holiness that makes the difference and allows us to actually "look up" and see.

It also seems, though, that it is not ONLY a matter of worthiness—President Faust makes a point of saying of the apostles in this story,

No one need assume that the Twelve who failed to see the Savior because they stood with their eyes fixed upon the ground had in any way failed in their labors. As a body they continued strong and steadfast in their ministry. Their discouragement was only temporary. Their labors were heroic; their acts were bold and courageous.

That seems to imply that "looking up" is also an act of will, or of deliberation—it's something we have to remember to do, even when we are otherwise living good lives. President Faust mentions "a feeling of personal worth and dignity born of the knowledge that each of us is a child of God" in connection with looking upwards, so maybe thinking "I am His beloved child. He DOES want me to see Him" would be a useful mindset to cultivate. This quote also seems to suggest that discouragement, no matter how natural or justified, is an "eyes down" sort of feeling that keeps us from seeing the Savior. He doesn't blame us or condemn us for feeling it. But He wishes we wouldn't keep our focus there.

I said earlier that it was comforting to think of Jesus watching over us even when we don't see Him. And it is! But I would rather "look up" like President Faust says we should. I would rather SEE Jesus Christ there in my life and KNOW he is weeping and suffering and rejoicing with me. So I want to keep learning how to lift my eyes and see what the Savior is wanting, trying, to show me! I would hate to miss seeing Him because I failed to look up.


Other posts in this series:

• The Church is for the Family by Nathaniel Givens
• I Believe in Marriage by G
• Relief Society and Nehemiah's Wall by Jan Tolman