A sorting and learning process

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the October 1993 Conference.

Sister Virginia Pearce said something in her talk that easily could have been said today:

Someone has said that people would rather be understood than be loved. In truth, the surest way to increase our love for someone is to listen with patience and respect. I believe that our baptismal covenant demands this. How can we “mourn with those that mourn” and “bear one another’s burdens” if we don’t listen to know what those burdens are? 

I feel like I hear a LOT about that these days, especially that we should try to listen patiently and understand the concerns of those having a faith crisis or who have doubts about the church. And obviously, Sister Pearce would agree. But the interesting thing to me is that she followed that advice with this:

We discover and develop our thoughts through conversation. Talking itself is a sorting and learning process. We feel such comfort when others listen with the understanding that our words are not our final statement, but a wondering and wandering process used to reach a clearer understanding.

I guess that's surprising because it goes against, in some ways, the parallel modern idea that when listening to others, we must give absolute credence to "their truth." If the above statement about a "wondering process" is true—and I know it is because I experience it all the time (not least when I write these General Conference posts!)—it implies that we ought to engage in a sort of calm, non-panicked listening that seems like an especially good idea with maturing children. Not that we should disbelieve what they say to us, but that we should not get too upset when they say things that seem short-sighted or faithless or hurtful, knowing that these might NOT be what they "really" think and feel. (And that they might not think and feel them forever.)

I like the idea that we can still be kind and caring and sympathetic, while (maybe mostly internally) realizing the "sorting and learning process" is still going on in those who have concerns. It seems to open the door for, rather than a one-way "acceptance of someone else's truth" (which often seems to be the stated and ultimate goal of the advice to listen, these days), a longer-term conversation where we can share our own testimonies and experiences as well, and hopefully a process that will lead incrementally to more truth and light for everyone!

I've felt this process in my own life particularly when talking to close friends who are willing to share spiritual ideas and ponderings, even when those ideas aren't fully developed or coherent yet. I love having conversations where our mutual questions about a scripture passage or a doctrinal idea lead us bit by bit to new truths or comforting reassurances. It is so satisfying to come into that increased light with someone you love and care about! And it makes me hope that I can develop a good enough relationship with my children that someday we'll be able to do that with each other as adults, too—even when our opinions or understandings don't always match up perfectly.