Nutcracker musings the public has(n't) been clamoring for

Maybe I say this every year, but the girls' progress in ballet is such a marvel to me. I hear them practicing the piano every day. And I see what they are doing in school, their spelling, their math, etc. But—you know how, for example, you might see your young nieces and nephews once a year—and every time, they've grown so much that they look like whole different people? But you never see that in your own kids because you see them every day? Well, ballet is the equivalent of that. I just drop the girls' off at their classes and never see them dancing. I know they're doing it, but in my mind they're just staying about the same skill level all the time. So then when I see them every six months in a performance—it's like they're entirely new dancers! They're amazing! Their improvements are staggering! It kind of makes me wish I could see the rest of their accomplishments through the same eyes, because I'm sure they're making similar progress that is hidden to me by familiarity.

And I also think I say this every year, but Sam's and my outlook on ballet as a whole has been…mixed. We've wondered and prayed a lot about if this is a worthwhile activity for the girls. Obviously there are plenty of good things about it, but the "dance world"…is not really a place we've wanted any of our daughters to end up permanently. We've known far too many deeply troubled dancers, sadly. But I'm sure it doesn't have to be that way…and we do like their little studio, we like that they offer daytime/homeschool classes, we like the things the director does—and does not—focus on. So we've been happy there. But every year it's a debate whether we keep it up another year. The girls LOVE it. They love it more all the time. But is it the best thing to do with time and resources, for them and for our family? That's the question I'm endlessly asking.

So, all of that said, I was astonished when Daisy and Junie told me that "everyone was saying" one of the two of them was going to be picked for Clara in the Nutcracker this year. I just had no idea that this thing which I keep thinking of as "a harmless-enough-for-now hobby that we might not even stick with forever"—might be becoming something they actually, objectively, excelled at. I hadn't realized that they, themselves, might begin to identify in some measure as dancers or ballerinas and not just "girls who did ballet."

Anyway, it's been an interesting realization or shift in perspective for me, and I'm not sure where it will lead. I still don't think they should, or will, pursue ballet past high school—but it's also interesting to think that I might not be the one who decides whether they do or not. And that I might not be the best person to decide. Hmmm! Life is so interesting as kids get older.

But for now, it has been just such a novel and surprising few months helping the three of them (especially Daisy and Junie) get ready for what was, legitimately, a major performance in which they played major roles. (Their studio is, obviously, not Ballet West or anything. But still! The girls worked really hard!) Daisy ended up getting cast as Clara, and we all wished she could have shared the part with Junie. But Junie's (six!) parts were challenging and amazing too. And Goldie keeps catching up in levels with girls way older than her. They're all remarkable. I've loved ballet ever since I was a little girl (watching it, mostly—I never took enough lessons to be remotely serious about it), watched good friends dance their way through the Nutcracker from Gingersnap all the way through Sugarplum Fairy, and I would never in a million years have guessed one of my own daughters could ever be Clara! And I was just so surprised and happy for her to get the chance!

(First moments on stage. Note Maid Junie pushing Fritz right out there!)

So there's all the backstory. But then there's another story too, and it feels like one of those things that is almost too special to share, but then it also feels like I can't share these pictures and NOT the story behind them. Just consider this a journal entry for Daisy to read and remember when she's older, I guess! Because here's what happened: the girls did the matinee performance, in which they had a bunch of parts but another girl was Clara. And during the hardest dance, the Russian dance, Daisy and Junie are alone onstage with their friend Levi, and it's SO fun to watch. They just leap and twirl all over the place.

And at the very end Daisy was doing a big twirling leap. (It has a ballet name, I'm sure. Tour jeté?) And she just crumpled, very gracefully actually, to the floor. And then she leaped up and twirled and finished and ran offstage and I thought nothing of it. But a couple dances later, in Waltz of the Flowers, Junie came out on one side of the stage in a group of four girls, and on the other side a group of three girls came out, and Goldie (who had finished her parts and was sitting by me in the audience) whispered, "Daisy is supposed to be in that group." And my heart just dropped. And right then I got a text on my phone that said "Please come quickly, Daisy needs you."

I went running backstage so fast. And my mind was already racing through possibilities. I knew she was hurt. And I started praying desperately "please don't let it be too bad." But when I got back and saw Daisy I knew it WAS bad. She was sitting with her foot propped up and a bag of ice on it, and it was all bruised and swollen through the arch, and she was just sobbing like her heart was broken. And then I thought MY heart would break too! I went over and hugged her and patted her and I kept saying "it's going to be okay, Daisy, it's going to be okay." And of course, we both knew it would be…eventually. Not like this would be the end of the world if she didn't dance Clara. But…also…it was unthinkable that she not dance Clara!

All the other dancers were coming by and giving Daisy hugs and saying "oh no, I'm so sorry!" in shocked and hushed tones, which almost made it worse, because they kept setting her off crying again and it was all so doleful. And Daisy's two teachers were saying, "it's okay, Daisy, the most important thing is that you don't hurt it further, so just sit here and don't move it, and even if you can't dance tonight it will all be okay!" Which was probably the right thing to say, but also made her feel even more hopeless. I kept telling her, "We don't know yet. Let's just wait and see. We have two hours, let's just wait and see." Then I called Sam and asked him if he could come as soon as possible and give Daisy a priesthood blessing. And I texted my friend and asked her to please pray for Daisy. And I prayed with all the faith I could muster myself.

Twenty minutes we had found a quiet little alcove and pulled a chair in, and lifted Daisy over to it, and Sam gave her a blessing. And as he was saying it I felt such hope. He blessed her that she would be able to dance, that she'd feel confident, and that her body would be able to do what it needed to do to heal. It wasn't 100% perfectly clear that she would be healed NOW. But Daisy believed it. You could just see her kind of take a deep breath and shake off her fears and decide to believe. She told me, "When I fell, it hurt really bad and once I got offstage I just collapsed. I couldn't even walk. But now when I touch it, there's not quite so much pain. And that's only after a half hour. So I think it's going to keep getting better."

There was another mom backstage who "happened to" work for a podiatrist. And she said to me, "it doesn't look good, but keep the ice on it and go get her some compression." So I ran over to Walmart and got some stretchy wrap to put on it, and when I got back Daisy had wiped her face and re-done her makeup, and she had the ice on her foot again, but she was looking sad and a little wilted. She told me, "My teacher says I can dance, but not on pointe. She says it's not worth maybe hurting myself more." And I said—I don't know what got into me, because I certainly don't know anything about dancing and what is and isn't wise—"Well, Daisy, why don't you put the wrap on, and then put on your pointe shoes and see how it feels, and if you feel like you can do it, just tell your teacher—'I want to try it on pointe. And I think I should get to decide because it's MY foot.'" 

Ha! I didn't know if Daisy would be brave enough! or if she should be! But we had both heard Sam's blessing! So she put on her pointe shoes and stood shakily up and danced a few steps. She told me later, "As soon as I put on the pointe shoes the pain just went away. And it stayed away until the last curtain call." So she went and told her teacher just what I'd said to say, and her teacher (bless her) said that was true and she'd let Daisy make the final decision. And Daisy decided she was ready, she'd practiced, she was full of adrenaline, and she was going to just go for it. I was so amazed and proud of her, and so worried, and trying to have faith in her blessing but also knowing that it doesn't always work out, that sometimes we need hard lessons in our lives, that sometimes great disappointments lead to great growth. But hoping so much that maybe this time…didn't need to be one of those times.

Daisy's Young Women leaders had come to watch, and some cousins, and all of our family, and I was saying hi to everyone and smiling and thanking them for coming, but inside I was just dying with nervousness. I didn't really want to tell anyone that she'd gotten hurt. I knew it would be okay even if she didn't dance her very best because all of those people love her, and they aren't there to critique her, and they probably wouldn't even know if she made mistakes. But for Daisy's sake I just wanted it to be good. She'd worked so hard and wanted so much to do well, and who knew if she'd ever do something like this ever again. And of course I just wanted her to be able to feel that she was at her best, and to enjoy this experience while she was having it!

So. I was feeling major butterflies in my stomach as the curtain opened. And I'm sure Daisy was too! But once she walked out on stage I was so captivated by her, I had no attention to spare for worrying! I know she's my own daughter so of course I think she's wonderful. But there have been plenty of times when my kids are in some kind of performance and, though I love them, I'm fully aware of their limitations.😄 This was different. She was incredible! Luminous! I couldn't look away from her! I kept thinking about her swollen foot and her face covered in tears two hours earlier, and I was just sitting there in a sort of cloud of awe and gratitude that Heavenly Father had seen fit to work this miracle for her and let her do this performance.

So. That's most of the story. And now there are just lots of pictures, because even though they really don't do her performance justice, when I see these, I remember what I was feeling and how proud I was of Daisy! Not only for doing this hard thing—but for doing it when it got really hard and uncertain—and for doing it so bravely and beautifully. It's interesting to think how many other stories like this are probably going on all the time, and I never see them. People overcoming adversity to accomplish things. Quiet prayers answered. Quiet fears faced and conquered.

Well. On to the rest of the ballet!

Junie presenting the party favors for the host's and hostess's approval

Party guests lined up. There's Teddy, with impeccable posture!

Clara and Fritz start the dancing (Junie is annoyed with this series of pictures because she is covered up in all of them! You can just see her forehead and nose here. She's the maid behind Fritz.)

Andrew, the boy who played Fritz, is only 13 and he is amazing. His dad was a dancer (he still plays Herr Drosselmeyer every year; you'll see him in a minute), and it's funny, even I can tell Andrew is in a whole other league from everyone else. He also danced the Snow King part with a much older girl and he was amazing. I wouldn't be surprised if he did try to make a career of ballet (though I wouldn't wish that on him either😬).

Ah! There's Goldie! In the purple to the left of Daisy.

Another Junie-glimpse, if you know where to look.

Two years ago the girls did this doll-dance with Clementine as the doll! Now Clementine walks around at home humming Nutcracker music and lifting her doll up and down in the air! It's so funny and cute.

Ah, here's Teddy again, in green.

At one point in the performance, Daisy's hair bow suddenly broke and started sliding down the back of her hair and flopping around. I saw it happening and watched with great interest for what she would do about it. She tried to have one of the other girls re-clip it during a lull in the dancing, but the girl couldn't quite manage it, so Daisy said "I stuck it back in and tried not to wob my head around too much!"

This was funny. In the ballet, Herr Drosselmeyer shows the stick horses to the boys and they all crowd around him clamoring for one. So he hands the horses out one by one, and then the boys are supposed to race around riding them. Somehow, in this performance, Teddy got handed two horses, and I watched him register that fact, turn around looking for help, and then make a quick decision to just keep soldiering on. So in this picture he's riding both horses at once, and you can see him just grinning hugely to himself about that.

Fritz tries to take Clara's lollipop; naughty boy. (My girls have been impressed and awed by the sheer naughtiness of Fritz ever since they first danced in the Nutcracker.) While Fritz is chasing Clara, Drosselmeyer makes him fall down with a magic flick of his fingers. Andrew is SO convincing at falling that there is always a collective gasp of horror from the audience!

Of course, Clara is not as naughty as Fritz. But she is a little spoiled, I'm sorry to say! Always whining for things…and getting them!

Clara gets the Nutcracker and this is her solo when she dances around for five minutes showing it off to everyone. (Teddy looks unimpressed.)

Clara leaping for joy! (And since the girls have had endless hours of merriment commenting on this, let's just have a little close-up of Teddy's face):

The girls say that Teddy always put on this exact face when he was dancing this part—the boys are supposed to show with their acting that they are too manly and grown-up to be interested in a doll, and this is Teddy's interpretation of that. The girls (and he himself) laughed and laughed over it.

Daisy said the Nutcracker is heavy and this part is really hard to do while holding it. "Also, I've just never gotten that good at attitude when I'm on pointe."

But I think she's amazing! Look how straight her legs are! I saw her try for 10 minutes to successfully hold this pose when they were taking photos of her for the program, so I know it's hard.

Daisy says she always has to try hard not to laugh here because Fritz is so funny about the way he tries to take the Nutcracker from her.

Lullaby for the dollies. Goldie's in the back row in lavender.

She has the sweetest face when she looks at her doll!

Eleanor (the girl to Daisy's right in the peachy-pink) is wearing one of the dresses my girls have worn for Party Scene in other years. I feel a fondness for it when I see it.

Junie, as maid, got to tell stories to the party guests while the adults did their dance. Junie was very pleased to get to do this, but shocked by the way some of the younger party girls were rowdy and talked back to her when she tried to quiet them—even during the performance! Goodness! Daisy was relieved when the parent dance came around because she could finally try to fix her hair bow properly. But it was broken. So she just jammed it in the hair hard enough that it would stay until her costume change. It worked! She also said "I was supposed to sit by Junie on the couch for this part because it's my house, not on the floor with the other guests. But I didn't know that. Junie only told me afterwards."

Then Herr Drosselmeyer gives a warning about something happening at midnight. And everyone goes home. There's a rather long musical interlude which I've never thought much about before, but this time I was imagining Daisy frantically backstage getting out of her party dress and into her nightgown. She has people to help her, but she said it's still quite nerve-wracking…trying to hurry and not ruin your hair and make-up and make sure you get back onstage on the right beat!

Then she's onstage alone in her nightgown for a while, saying goodnight to the Nutcracker and curling up on the sofa to fall asleep.

Then—horrors! Surrounded by mice!

Daisy said the mice were none too good at holding onto her and sometimes she wobbled quite a lot in their arms. "It's easy to look scared, because I am scared!" she said.

She cries that silent, face-in-hands ballet-cry for a while

Then gets yanked all over the place by the mice, poor thing! Daisy said all the mice were laughing in this part, because there are supposed to be three mice on each side, and they had gotten it wrong again. Apparently they were always getting it wrong. Daisy said once in rehearsal, ALL the mice ended up on one side of her and she was making the most horrible faces in her attempts not to laugh, but all the mice were laughing and she couldn't help it! 

"Why do they always get it wrong?" I asked. "They just never planned it out!" Daisy told me.

A little better here, maybe? Haha.

Then Clara has a pas de deux with her uncle Drosselmeyer. They had to cut out a couple of the harder lifts because he had been sick and didn't want to risk dropping her! So that was too bad, but Daisy was excited to dance with a partner anyway.

Then the Nutcracker comes to life to fight the mice!

And we get to see Captain Goldie! Hooray! She was quite worried about her fight choreography. "I'm going to forget it," she kept saying. But she didn't! She fought nobly with her mouse counterpart!

I love her soldier-straight legs!

Then Clara gets yanked around again. And the Nutcracker saves her. But then he gets attacked by the Mouse King. And when the critical moment in their battle comes, Clara is supposed to run to the Mouse King and distract him by hitting him on the shoulder with her slipper! Only…she can't actually take off her own ballet slippers, so she grabs one that is hidden in the pile of presents. And someone had forgotten to put the slipper there! Daisy said she was frantically dancing around by the tree, trying to look natural as she hunted for it. But it was nowhere.

So…she had to run over and hit the Mouse King with just her hand instead. ("I felt very silly," she said.) But it did the trick! The Mouse King dies dramatically and gets carried off the stage. And the Nutcracker lies there dead, so of course Clara cries her sad ballet-cry again while the curtain closes. "I'm always so tired at this part," Daisy said. "So I'm sitting there trying to catch my breath while I pretend to cry, and I can't put my hands all the way over my face or I can't breathe and my sweat will make my makeup smear. But it's easy to have my shoulders heaving, because I'm SO out of breath after all that running around!" As she was sitting there crying in the performance, she became aware that the curtain was about to close…on her! So she very smoothly got up pretended to look around in fear one more time and then sank back onto her knees a few feet farther downstage. Ha!

Then Herr Drosselmeyer appears with the Nutcracker, who has magically turned into a prince! And Clara and the Prince do their pas de deux in front of the curtain while the scenery gets changed behind it. This was the part Daisy was most nervous about, because it's only the three of them onstage and everyone is watching her, and there are lots of turns and jumps.

And this is the part where I most thought, "I can't believe she can do this. How did she get so good?"

After their dance ends, off they go into the Land of Snow!

The Snow Queen and Snow King dance, and then Goldie comes out as a Snow Sprite! She's so graceful. I love the costumes for this part.

The rest of the Snow Corps comes out next. Oh, there's Daisy. So this must be the earlier performance.

And here's Junie!

Goldie pushes Clara and the Prince in a sleigh. That's pretty fun, but when I was young, I saw a Nutcracker where Clara got to FLY in a sleigh to the Land of Sweets! Too bad that wasn't in the budget for this performance😄

And then it was intermission, and the hard part for Daisy was over! But the hard part for Junie was just beginning. Are you getting tired of this yet? You are allowed to click away, you know. But just think how much time you're saving from watching the real performance!

Junie was getting all warmed up for Jester in the hall. She's so bendy, like a rubber band!

(Here she is earlier between shows. See? Bendy.)

I don't even know what she's doing here!

I went to find Daisy and give her a hug and help her into her last costume. She was smiling and relieved. "Now I mostly just have to sit there prettily for an hour!" 

I asked if her foot was hurting. "I don't feel anything," she said. The wrap seemed to help too.

I'm amazed her ringlets stayed in so well. We'd put the curlers in the night before, and then she'd had to have her hair up in a bun all through the first performance, and there was no time to curl it again, so we just hoped for the best. We thought we might have time to touch it up with the curling iron between shows,  but with her fall and everything that went along with it, there wasn't time for anything. Thankfully, she took out her bun and the ringlets boinged out almost as springy as before!

Second Act starts with Clara and the Prince meeting the Sugarplum Fairy and her Cavalier.

And then everything else in the Second Act is just basically an excuse for different dancers to show off their virtuosity in different dances. Malachi and I have had many a discussion on the plot, or lack thereof, of the Nutcracker. I love it in spite of its plot deficiencies. Malachi…does not.😄 

All the nobility and the courtiers come to pay tribute to Clara for her bravery. In hitting the Mouse King with her slipper, I suppose? Or for taking care of the Nutcracker when Fritz broke it? I don't know. But here comes Junie the Jester!

She entertains all the visitors to the Court.

Clara gets a crown and a cape put on her by the Rose Fairy and the Sugarplum Fairy.

She and the Nutcracker recount their battle with the mice.

Clara becomes upset at the very memory of it and cries again, and has to be comforted by the Cavalier. Poor delicate thing.

And then off she and her Prince go to sit on their thrones, while the best dancers in the kingdom come from far and wide to entertain them! At least…I assume that's what's happening. Daisy was determined that she would sit with good posture, legs together, the whole time, and not look bored! She…mostly succeeded.

Though I'm not sure what this look meant! :)

Then Junie gets her solo dance. And it is so good!! So flashy and sparkling. The audience burst into applause several times spontaneously during it! Of course it couldn't even be captured in pictures.

But it was so much fun to watch! I think Junie could have been a great gymnast (if she'd ever learnt…hahaha).

Then comes Arabian, where, Junie tells me, "you aren't supposed to smile." It makes sense, because it's a very exotic and mysterious dance. They come in holding beautiful sparkling satin scarves, and when they drop the scarves the Arabian soloist appears as if by magic. I love that part.

This must be from the matinée, because there's the other Clara on the throne.

Ooh! So good!

Waltz of the Flowers is next, another of my favorites.

These dancers are all beautiful and I don't like to compare them but …when I see this picture I can't help but notice how graceful and extended the line of Junie's position is. She is so fun to watch. I can't keep my eyes off her!

Is that a bored look from Daisy? Tsk tsk. No, perhaps she is just engrossed in the entertainment.

Then at last, after everyone has danced their last dances and bowed their last bows, it's time for Clara to go home. "When I got up from the throne my whole foot was asleep!" Daisy said. "It's so hard to keep your feet straight like that in your pointe shoes! I was afraid I was going to stumble down the steps!" (But she didn't!)

Clara doesn't want to leave!

She hugs the Sugarplum Fairy goodbye.

And then she goes off in the sleigh as everyone waves to her.

Then it's curtain call! Junie curtseys gracefully.

Daisy curtseys gracefully.

And she got flowers! Not from us. From the directors, I suppose. One of the little girls brought them out.

Daisy said, "I didn't quite know what to do once I had the flowers because Levi was just standing there awkwardly. And I've seen ballerinas pull out a rose from their bouquet and give it to their partner. So I did that. But he didn't really want it, so he gave it back to me after the curtain closed." Haha! Seems about right.

More bows, to thunderous applause, of course :)

And then it was over and we were all SO happy and proud!

Their young women leaders had brought flowers too. So sweet and so meaningful to the girls—I love them for doing it.

All the girls, and Teddy too, felt pleased and triumphant about a successful performance, and amazed that it was already over! And sad…the girls are always so sad. But that comes later. First there are people to greet and congratulations to accept! 

And then, by the time everyone had hugged them and congratulated them and Daisy had changed out of her costume gathered up all her stuff—she was limping again. And the next few days she could hardly walk. But it was all worth it for that amazing performance!

A picture with Levi, her Nutcracker Prince. They are good friends. 

One last look on her way out the door…tired and SO happy! And still all the fun of the midnight post-performance talking and analyzing and re-living to look forward to. The girls do love a good performance re-hash.

And some way-past-bedtime hamburgers for the starving dancers…and some other little rascals too!