Let them feel our confidence

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2012 Conference.

I have thought for a long time that Doctrine and Covenants 121 applies to anyone in a leadership role, not just those with a priesthood office. It seems to me extremely relevant advice for motherhood and fatherhood as well as priesthood leadership. So I noticed Elder Larry Y. Wilson thinking along those same lines:

The Doctrine and Covenants explains that the right to use the priesthood in the home or elsewhere is directly connected with righteousness in our lives: “The powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.” It goes on to say that we lose that power when we “exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of [others], in any degree of unrighteousness.”

This scripture says we must lead by “principles of righteousness.” Such principles apply to all leaders in the Church as well as to all fathers and mothers in their homes. We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit and to whatever authority we have from God when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. We may think such methods are for the good of the one being “controlled.” But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously. When setting firm limits for another person is in order, those limits should always be administered with loving patience and in a way that teaches eternal principles.

We simply cannot force others to do the right thing. The scriptures make it clear that this is not God’s way. Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent. Learning opportunities are lost when controlling persons pridefully assume they have all the right answers for others. The scriptures say that “it is the nature and disposition of almost all men” to engage in this “unrighteous dominion,” so we should be aware that it’s an easy trap to fall into. Women too may exercise unrighteous dominion, though the scriptures identify the problem especially with men.

I have always been a pretty firm "limit-setter" with my children, which is fine, I think, and worked well when they were young, but in the last ten years or so of parenthood, I have been learning to be more aware of the side of "unrighteous dominion" as well. It's so easy to almost bully little children into something. To scare them into obedience. I haven't meant to do that, but I have done it. But I see more and more how ineffective that is in actually changing their hearts, helping them learn to want to obey. So I am trying to find ways to take this advice:

Our children are in our homes for a limited time. If we wait until they walk out the door to turn over to them the reins of their moral agency, we have waited too long. They will not suddenly develop the ability to make wise decisions if they have never been free to make any important decisions while in our homes. Such children often either rebel against this compulsion or are crippled by an inability to make any decisions on their own.

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.

Elder Wilson tells the story of his daughter wanting to play a sports game on Sunday, and how he and his wife let her pray about it and make the wrong decision even though they knew it was wrong! And she learned from it! I'm not sure I would have had the courage to allow that as a young parent. But they didn't just agree to it on a whim—they as parents prayed about it and felt that they should let the daughter decide. I think I could be more vigilant at looking for opportunities like that for my children.

And then Elder Wilson shares this great quote from Elder Eyring:

If we are going to help those in our stewardships make the all-important link with heaven, we must be the kind of parent and leader described in Doctrine and Covenants, section 121. We must act “only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.” President Henry B. Eyring has said, “Of all the help we can give … young people, the greatest will be to let them feel our confidence that they are on the path home to God and that they can make it.”

Let them feel our confidence! I want to do that. But sometimes I actually don't have that confidence for them. I don't know if I should just fake it at that point? Or, probably better, pray to see them like God does, so I don't have to fake it. And if I have enough faith in His plan, I think it will get easier and easier to believe that my children are His children, and that He will make sure they receive the experiences they need to make it home to Him.