Two May outings

We have a bally hill in our neighborhood that we like to visit sometimes. Some people call it "Death Star Park" because it looks like the Death Star is buried there. But to us, it looks like our round elephant, Bendigo. At any rate. It is a ball.

On top of this ball there are the most beautiful views! We love to climb to the top and look around.

One day we had a picnic on the Bally Hill. It was interesting, because it was a warm-ish May Day, but on top of the hill it was almost cold. It felt like the temperature had dropped 10 degrees when we got up there!

Gussie didn't mind the chill, being bundled up in a blanket as he was.

Sam and Seb, obviously, had to have an involved discussion about various geological features visible on the distant mountains.

It was a nice day!

Another adventure we went on was part of Sam's plans for our anniversary. He wanted to celebrate all of the school field trips we've taken the kids on together over the years, so we went back to one of our favorite places to find rocks, near Vernon, Utah. There's a place you can collect "wonderstone," which is a beautiful rock with colorful bands and stripes on it (like this). We've been there at least twice before (maybe three times?), but Sam hasn't actually been there with us, so it was fun to have him along!

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He wishes to honor our desires

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the October 1988 Conference.

I found this little section of Elder Maxwell's talk intriguing:

What desirest thou of me? the resurrected Jesus inquired one by one of the Nephite Twelve. He knows our individual bearing capacities. He will lead us along, not herd us. Foremost, the gospel can even educate our desires; then these desires can work affirmatively in us and for us. 

Are we really ready, however, for the responsibility and the high adventure of being tutored by Him who genuinely wishes to honor our individual desires, if we do not desire amiss?

I've written about desire lots of times, but in this context I was thinking about how, when Jesus asks this question of his disciples, most of them say they want to finish their work on earth and then speedily go to Jesus in his kingdom. But the three Nephites want something else; they want to stay on earth until Christ's Second Coming. I always wonder—what made them want that? Was it some innate gift—they were really good at missionary work? They were extroverts or talented teachers or good public speakers or they especially loved being around people? Or was it the opposite; they felt inadequate at missionary work and wanted to leave their comfort zones to prove their love and devotion to Jesus Christ? How did they become the kind of people who had that desire?

And it's not like Jesus tries to get the rest of the disciples to have that same desire. He doesn't seem to favor one group over the other (well—maybe. He does say "more blessed are ye"—but I don't know quite what He means by that). He seems to truly just want all the disciples to have what they actually desire. Elder Maxwell talks about the gospel "educat[ing] our desires," but these men seem to all have been good, faithful men. They just had different desires, perhaps based on their different strengths or life experiences.

I know in many ways the gospel makes us more unified, with each other and with God. And I have also heard many times that it doesn't take away our individuality. But I'm just so interested in this idea that God will tutor us even as He "genuinely honors our individual desires." Which of my desires need to be educated out of me, and which will God work through as they stay in me? Which desires are innate or left over from my premortal life, and which are things I've learned from my culture? How will my desires shape the way God sends experiences and people into my life? How can I make my desires more like what Jesus Christ would desire for me? If He asked me "what desirest thou"—what would my spirit say?


Other posts in this series:

A brief history of Relief Society Meetings—by Jan Tolman
True Orthodoxy—by Nathaniel Givens

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Settled, unafraid, and at peace

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the October 1988 Conference.

It's been so nice—this "space granted" during quarantine. I know I'm lucky to be able to say that—not to have to worry about Sam's job, or about making ends meet. Of course I don't think anyone with kids can say it's been empty space. It hasn't even been that much less busy, really—but it has been a holy space. The types of things we're busy with is different. Our rhythms have been changed just enough to feel fresh. I guess it's kind of like Sundays that way: not a rest from everything, but a welcome rest from specific sorts of weariness.

Even in the midst of feeling like I might lose my mind from the mess and the chaos, and even knowing it will be better for so many people to get back to normal life, I find myself so anxious to hold on to this time, knowing what a gift it is—knowing it won't last forever and we'll look back wistfully: "Remember all those Saturdays with no appointments, those Sundays with no meetings? Remember make-your-own-omelets for breakfast, and going on walks in the middle of the day? Remember when we were all together, before Abe left for college and mission, when Gussie was so skinny and small?"

So why is it so hard to feel settled, knowing how much I should be savoring this time? Maybe it's too much pressure, being aware of how temporary it all is? Or maybe that knowledge is the very thing that makes it both hard and good?

It's something I'm always thinking about—how to hold on when time passes too fast. So I liked this from Elder Robert D. Hales:

Like the Apostles of old, this knowledge and belief [in the resurrection] should transform all of us to be confident, settled, unafraid, and at peace in our lives as followers of the divine Christ. It should help us carry all burdens, bear any sorrows, and also fully savor all joys and happiness that can be found in this life. The disciples who walked with the Savior on the road to Emmaus said to one another, “Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while he opened to us the scriptures?” No wonder they entreated him, “Abide with us: for it is toward evening,” and he “sat at meat with them.” They sought to savor those precious moments and feelings.

Of course they sought to savor them! We all do. During General Conference, when I'm at the temple, when our family does something together and everyone is getting along with each other. And I've learned a few ways to "savor." Write things down, reflect on them. Look at pictures. Reminisce. Close my eyes and breathe deep. But unfortunately "savor" doesn't usually mean "prolong." And the sensation of being "settled, unafraid, and at peace" often feels so fleeting! So often my heart is crying out like those disciples did: "Abide with me! Abide with me! Wait, please, don't go!" after a spiritual experience—but even though God is so good, He DOES go. Or WE leave Him, I guess. Conference ends. We have to walk out of the temple. The children don't stop growing and quarantine will lift, eventually.

I remember a talk (maybe two talks) by Elder Holland about this, and I know there are lots of things we can do to hang onto peace even when good things come to an end. But Elder Hales made one more statement about it that I thought was interesting:

Each can savor the sweetness of the truths of the gospel by obedience to the principles, ordinances, and covenants.

It's interesting to put it like that—like just living the gospel can help. So simple! And I guess it makes sense. Engaging with the word of God helps us have peace, so why not peace about endings and changes and unknowns? And obeying our covenants includes trusting Him, which should also contribute to a feeling of peace. It's another way of saying that the teachings of the gospel help us with every aspect of life, which is a truth I should know by now. But I still like how simply it's stated here. Savor the sweetness of life by following Jesus Christ—who also promises that "nothing good is ever lost." Truly trusting Him is the way to both carry the burdens and savor the joys! I hope I can learn to do it better.

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Repentance is the escape clause

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 1988 Conference.

I like it when I find parallel conference talks across the decades. I especially like the realization that a doctrine taught thirty or forty years ago can feel just as immediate and relevant as something I heard three weeks ago. Here is Elder James R. Rasband, in April 2020:

The joyous truth on which Alma’s mind “caught hold” was not just that he himself could be made clean but also that those whom he had harmed could be healed and made whole.

As any parent can testify, the pain associated with our mistakes is not simply the fear of our own punishment but the fear that we may have limited our children’s joy or in some way hindered them from seeing and understanding the truth. The glorious promise of the Savior’s atoning sacrifice is that as far as our mistakes as parents are concerned, He holds our children blameless and promises healing for them. And even when they have sinned against the light—as we all do—His arm of mercy is outstretched, and He will redeem them if they will but look to Him and live.

And here is President Boyd K. Packer in April 1988:

I readily confess that I would find no peace, neither happiness nor safety, in a world without repentance. I do not know what I should do if there were no way for me to erase my mistakes. The agony would be more than I could bear. It may be otherwise with you, but not with me. 

An atonement was made. Ever and always it offers amnesty from transgression and from death if we will but repent. Repentance is the escape clause in it all. Repentance is the key with which we can unlock the prison from inside. We hold that key within our hands, and agency is ours to use it.

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Life in Quarantine

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Well! Life in quarantine goes on mostly as usual. There are so many things I've really loved about it. It's great having Sam home almost all the time. Even when he's busy teaching, he can come upstairs and say hi for a minute between classes, or we can quietly slip in to his office and bring him some breakfast (the kids love and fight over that job!). I miss going to the temple, but our stake set a 100,000-record indexing goal and it's been fun working on that with Daisy. I've been doing South African death records in Afrikaans. You only have to know a few words in that language (I just use Google translate), and the names are fascinating—Mbambwes and Nblisis and Mnungos all over the place.

I usually run in the early dark morning, but with our adjusted schedules, I sometimes have a chance to emerge like some cave creature into the light of day. The trails are very crowded in the daytime and there are so many people walking their dogs! I still prefer the quiet of darkness, but it's lovely to have the choice. And Sam and I have been going on lots of midday or evening walks—just us, no kids! (Or just Baby Gus.) It's so nice!

These top three pictures were right when the quarantine began—from my run by the lake, at the Jordan River Temple the last day temples were open, and by our own temple in the snow.

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Junie turned nine and had a happy birthday. I've read several accounts of how people have made their kids' birthdays "special during quarantine," but as we never do anything very impressive anyway, Junie didn't know any different and was perfectly content with having her favorite dinner (salmon tacos) and pink lemonade ice cream cake at home with the family. My mom made her the little piggy face mask, and I allowed the kids to bring their blankets to school—joy of joys! :)

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Daisy and Junie suddenly decided they wanted to learn how to crochet. I was reluctant to teach them because I tried to teach my older boys several times and they just never took to it, so I thought it would be too hard for the girls. I finally said I would just show them very quickly and if they didn't get it they'd have to wait till later. But they both picked it up in only a few minutes and were soon busily working away at little doll blankets! I was surprised and impressed. Every once in awhile I show them a new stitch or help them untangle a knot, but mostly they're just enjoying figuring it out themselves. I have so many random half-balls of yarn, and I'm happy they're getting some use!

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• Daisy reading to everyone (she is the BEST read-aloud-er; even I feel like stopping what I'm doing and sitting down to listen when I walk by)

• Putting up our scaled solar system planets (the sun is huge and various pieces of tape keep giving out and making it droop sadly down until we bang it back up again with the broom handle) 

• Some strange circular bike-riding game going on in the driveway. Let's just have a close-up look at Ziggy standing there, shall we?: 

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• I got bunny shirts from Old Navy for any of the men in the family who said they'd wear them. It's a very discreet bunny print; very masculine, don't you think? Not at all embarrassing. Anyway, real men like to wear bunnies! I wish you could see it up closer. Ah, how's this?:

• We also have Goldie and Teddy pushing Gussie in a "ride" they made up—don't worry—very safe for babies. 

• And Daisy with a "brown E" she made for April Fool's Day out of a…brownie. Hmm. I am not sure she quite gets the point of that joke.

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• Many, many board games are being played at our house these days, most of them way too complicated for me, but that's exactly what everyone else likes, apparently. Every once in awhile Abe will rope me into joining them, and I have fun, but not as much fun as I have just watching the rest of them play while I go about my other duties. :) 

• Costco hasn't been too busy, actually, since the first couple weeks. But it was interesting and weird to have to wait in a long line of carefully-spaced shoppers to even get inside! On the upside, it made coming home from the grocery store with enough food for us all feel like a true accomplishment.

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Sebastian's mad quest to improve his homemade drum set continues. The Easter Bunny must have been concerned about my poor abused pan lids, because Seb found a little cymbal in his Easter basket. He also bought himself a real stool (or "throne," as they are apparently called) with money he earned from helping in a neighbor's yard. He's tried several methods for creating a snare drum, and the one pictured above was one of the more complicated versions—magnet wire, woven through holes drilled in a piece of scrap plastic and then nestled against the bottom "head" of the "drum" to allow vibration.

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Easter Sunday was a very nice day. The girls wore happy flowery new dresses and the boys had the aforementioned bunny shirts—even Gussie! (Good job Old Navy for making so many bunny things for BOYS! I approve.)

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These pictures are from one night we played frisbee in the field. If you think little kids are bad at throwing footballs, you should see them throw frisbees! Ha ha. But we had fun.

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Baby Gus being funny:

• My brother sent him this Baby Yoda hat (it has a matching onesie too, but naturally we can never find both of them at the same time).

• He still squirms out the necks of his suits when he's very sad. Poor, skeeeeny little lamb!

• An accusing look when I went to get him out of his car seat.

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Teddy LOVES Gussie so, so much, it's almost unbearable. (Because it's sweet…and because it causes much sadness when he doesn't get to play with Gus!) 

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Hammock Park on Junie's birthday. A windy, but beautiful, day!

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Outside at the beginning of Spring. This already feels like a long time ago!

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• The kids' Spring piano recital was cancelled, of course, along with everything else. Their teacher had everyone record their pieces and then posted them for a "virtual recital" on Facebook. It was cute. We also had our own Family Recital, which was surprisingly fun.

• Piano lessons have continued over FaceTime, which works pretty well. It is really nice not to have to make that half-hour drive four times a week! (We do the lessons in two groups to accommodate the kids' choir rehearsals, which have also been cancelled, of course!)

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We have been having frequent picnics in the backyard. One day the girls rigged up the old bike trailer cover to shade Gus. He was very pleased, lying there like a little king while his adoring attendants fawned over him.

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More of the Little King

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This was an activity where we walked a scaled version of the distances between planets in the Solar System. I've done this multiple times before, but it never stops surprising me. Space is so HUGE!
• Here is everyone standing by the 8-inch sun.
• The rocky planets are all pretty close.
•You can see the legs of Jupiter (Malachi) waaaaay out there in the grass field. But the other planets were so far! Almost a half-mile away! (You can see little jogs in the map as we stopped at each planet along the way.)

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Sundays have been really great with Home Church. We have just loved them (at least I have—I think the older boys prefer their "real" classes and quorums). Having the sacrament at home is beautiful and sacred, and I feel full of gratitude for it every time. And Daisy is the best nursery leader! She does a little lesson, activity, and snacks for the little ones while we have a scripture discussion with the older boys. Then we have a little Primary afterwards. It is so fun!

• The tent Daisy built for a lesson on King Benjamin

• Seb and Gus

• Yeast has been impossible to find lately, and even though I have several packages left, the thought of running out was good motivation to get a sourdough starter going again. It has been YEARS since I've baked with a starter, and I've been loving it! The bread is SO good and so beautiful and I can't stop taking pictures of it! :) I bake the bread for our sacrament every week, and that's been a surprisingly sweet experience as well.
• Kids all in white for the Solemn Assembly during General Conference (not a requirement or anything; the girls just thought it seemed appropriate)
• Ready for bed

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Sweetest little baby-o

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We love walking by the temple even though we can't go in. One thing I've loved is on Friday nights, the parking lot fills up with couples sitting and talking in their cars. Sam and I usually go there on date nights too. It just feels nice to be on the grounds.

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We are often accompanied by a little bright-eyed bundle.

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This little Ziggy-monkey becomes more of a monkey all the time. He is SO FUNNY but also makes SO MANY MESSES. It seems impossible to keep up with him!

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He is also always wearing some interesting combination of items. He loves to wear boots (always someone else's, never his own…I don't even think he has his own) and hats and mittens and scarves and headbands (sometimes as necklaces). When he comes bouncing into the room, I never know WHAT I am going to see!

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