(The Argument, by Norman Rockwell)There are certain questions I have that keep me vacillating between their answers at various times of life. I move back and forth between feeling that the answer is really more to focus on this---and then later I decide that it would be better to focus on that---and so forth. I always feel like it's a bit weak to always answer everything with, "Well . . . you just need to have a balance"---but I suppose that really IS the answer, often. Or at least, you decide which side of the balance YOU want to be on, but you can't really decide it for anyone else.
The thing I've been questioning this time is how to be a nice person. Like, instinctively nice---kind, charitable---(not "nice" in that belitting way people use to mean you're boring or weak)---so that your first reaction is to think of someone else's feelings and not your own pride. I think at various times in my life I have assumed I was like that---but that's mostly because I was thinking about the times when I wasn't really upset or provoked. It's like that C.S. Lewis quote about rats in the cellar and how what we do when we are provoked or taken by surprise or not "at our best," is a pretty accurate measure of who we really are.
So when I'm "surprised" by some situation---someone is rude to me, or a store clerk is unhelpful, or a "customer service" person is unsympathetic or inflexible---then I have a hard time wanting to be nice. I want to be rude back (sure, usually I am too scared to actually say what I want to say, so I resort to glaring or muttering some passive-aggressive comment or whatever---but the point is I WANT to be rude and I AM, in my heart!) and give that "bad person" "what they deserve"---which I am, obviously, not qualified to decide, but I think I am.
Now, I've also been thinking about K's sort-of-related post here (and even more, the comments) and there are a lot of good points there about how sometimes we really need to stand up for ourselves and our families, and we need to learn when to say no to things even if we feel like it's "rude", and we need to speak our minds and give our own feelings weight and not just let ourselves be trampled over. All this is good and I applaud it, endorse it, agree with it, etc. etc. Don't get the wrong idea here: I don't want to be someone that can't speak up for what I think is right, and I don't want women to feel that their opinions are not worth giving, and so on.
But . . . but . . . the problem is, I am so quick to think I am right. So there are many, many situations where I go out of it with this righteous indignation, thinking I'm so justified in being angry, and later when I am more rational, I realize my own motives and emotions were not really as pure and unsullied as I would like to believe they were. Sure, that lady could have said "I'm sorry, but our policy is no returns" in a kinder and more sincere voice. Or okay, maybe she could have made an exception for me. She didn't have to look at me like I was an illiterate cretin who couldn't read my receipt, right? But do I really have to spend the next 45 minutes dwelling on how unfair it was and feeling hot and mad and wishing I had made some snide comment (which I keep trying frantically to come up with)? And how much can I really assume about what she was thinking about me, anyway? How do I know; I can't read minds, or even facial expressions with perfect accuracy. And what does my (over)reaction say about MY level of kindness and tolerance?
If it weren't important to stand up for yourself/your family, I guess it would be easier. Then I really could just say "I'll be compliant at all costs, I'll never protest something even if it's unfair." But the fact that there ARE situations that warrant making a fuss is what makes it hard, I suppose. It's so easy to start to think that every situation warrants making a fuss . . . that I am always in the right just because I "deserve better" . . . that I and I alone have purity of motive ("The best for my family!") and that no one who threatens my conception of how things should be has any justification at all.
I guess I'm just wishing it was less instinctive for me to fall into the above thought patterns, and more instinctive for me to react by thinking, "Well, she probably meant well," or, "That's okay, it's not a big deal," or, "I'm the one who is over-reacting" or "I should try to handle that more graciously next time." It's like once I've opened the floodgates of being resentful about some perceived injustice, I forget all the things I'm trying to practice about being charitable and being kind and giving others the benefit of the doubt. I just dwell on how "it's just not fair"/"it's just not right"/"I'm a nice person and I don't deserve this."
Which is exactly my (sad but true) point: I'm NOT really a nice person. Not by instinct; not when push comes to shove (if that means what I think it means) :). So I can't just assume that if I "feel" like I'm right, I AM right, and I'm justified in saying whatever I need to get my point across. I can't assume that my own feelings should always take precedence (because sometimes I really AM better off saying "yes" to something I'd rather not say yes to). I can't rely on my own (nonexistent) moral superiority to show me who is right in any given situation: I need to rely on God's spirit instead---if I can figure out what it's saying. And I can only do that, when I'm being humble and kind, the best I can.
And maybe that's the only way I'm ever going to figure out when to be bold and "stand up for myself" and when to just let it go, when to subside and maybe even let myself be trampled on, just a little. Because I don't "deserve" good treatment at the expense of someone else's welfare. And when it comes right down to it, I'd rather be kind and generous and forgiving than "in the right." (Now if I could just remember that for more than 10 minutes at a time! . . .)
oh, Nicely Nicely said! I am always in this same boat. When to form your own opinion and how to do it in a good way, and when to agree with others without being a mindless clone...and how to be humble without being too "'umble," if you catch my meaning. I think you've got it though--we just have to try so hard to calm the immediate reaction (anger, fear, frustration) long enough to hear the spirit tell us what we need to do instead. And until we learn that, get good at apologizing! That's something I'm learning all the time. I just read Pres. Eyring's talk from conference and was amazed at the example of the former bishop he gives...so happy even in his suffering...and felt ashamed at my own complaints and "grievances" that I'd been harping on. I think part of promising to always remember the SAvior is trying to empty our mental garbage every day so we can fit better stuff in. I guess this could include emotional as well.
ReplyDeleteWell, anyway, I think you're nice. :-) (pastlie--like pastie (blegh))
I found the book "Leadership and Self-Deception; Getting Outside the Box" (I may have screwed up the subtitle) to be really helpful in this regard. Petty as I am, I'm trying to not yell at other drivers on the road and the concepts in this book really help. My sister, who is infinitely better than I am, recommended it to me calling it, "life changing".
ReplyDeleteI identified with a lot of what you said. I think, however, that the mere fact that you are willing to question and evaluate yourself in this way gives credence to the theory that you must be more than a little bit "nice". :)
ReplyDeleteKaren
I'm with the comment above, I think you're probably much nicer than you're giving yourself credit for!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm with Rachel too--that Eyring talk was really humbling for me. I'm the kind of person that really likes to complain I think. If I had been that man I probably wouldn't have suffered through what he did graciously. I'd like to be more that way though.
And I'd like to be nicer too--It's a hard balance like you say. Because sometimes I think I'm too wimpy about important things, and don't stand up for myself. And other times I get mad, but it might not be at the appropriate time.
Ah life, so complex.
I also think you are nice, truly! And I think the important thing is not what we're tempted to feel (because who _isn't_ frustrated when someone is rude to them?), but rather what we _do_ with those temptations. If you aren't reacting in the same unkind manner, you're doing just fine!
ReplyDeleteAlso I tell my kids when other kids are mean to just assume that the other person is having a bad day. I know that sounds really basic, but if I think that about someone who is unkind, it helps me feel better--like maybe on a different day, they would have been nicer to me. I just caught them at a bad moment and we all have those, right?
(no time to edit--hope this makes sense . . .)
My husband is always the "she meant well," "better to be peaceful" sort of person in our house - unless it comes to the kids and me, of course. And mostly when the affront is not something that touches him particularly - in other words, I am the one who is never supposed to be upset - I'm supposed to be "bigger" than that by being Just LIke Him. When this kind of schism happens in our house, I remind him that if John Adams had been Just Like Him, we'd all be singing, "God Save the Queen" and depending on socialized medicine.
ReplyDeleteRemember that in my story, I realized that I could very calmly, with civilized tone and rational language, state my case. Snapping back at someone (the snappy come-back, the snide rejoinder) is satisfying from a game-play point of view only. In human terms, especially female human terms (our chems seek conciliatory action), the clever rejoinder doesn't really address the problem.
If the Customer Service woman is rude, you can take a step back and softly say something like, "I'm sorry. Have I offended to you?" Which really takes people off guard and changes the flow of the energy.
I know what you mean about the rankling feeling for the rest of the day. I think you need to step back again when that happens and think about the people who love and respect you - because it's so true that one rude or unkind person pretty well sweeps you from behind; your confidence in yourself takes a terrific blow and because of that, you want to snarl and bite and be dangerous. Because in the world and reality we live in, being dangerous is surviving.
When we know we are children of God, we can afford to be merciful, and our confidence isn't shattered by resistance or attack. Mercy is important here.
I really enjoyed reading your piece.
I am also a fan of this post. Honestly marilyn, if I could be half as nice as you, I would be translated or something!
ReplyDeleteSo, here's my story. We just went through a torando. Our van was totaled, therefore our carseats, totaled. Friends bought us new carseats so I could get to Utah. They didn't fit in the van we were driving. We took them back to walmart. The lady who was "helping" us, said that their policy was that they could not return carseats. She said this in a very irritated tone, and turned her back on us, and I swear she was twiddling her thumbs! Anyway, she had no idea we had lost our home in a tornado. She was rude. She shouldn't have been. I decided, I'm going to assume everyone has been in a so called "tornado", maybe that will help me to be a little bit sweeter. Maybe. Hopefully. Please?
Jena, you're amazing. You and your tornados. :) I agree with you (and Jessica)---if I could just get in that mindset, of assuming people might be feeling bad about something and I should try to be the nicest I can, it would help me treat them better.
ReplyDeleteI like Rachael's idea too, emptying out the bad things in our minds to make room for better ones. I guess we do that by not holding on to grudges, things like that? I'll have to think more about it. And like K said, filling your thoughts with the people who DO love you and ARE nice can help you stop feeling so defensive with the few who AREN'T.