I was talking to my mother-in-law last week about people dying. She said it used to bother her how everyone just praised the deceased at funerals, how no one would acknowledge that person's faults, how the deceased was made out to be some kind of saint instead of the person he or she really was. (Isn't this also the idea of Orson Scott Card's "Speaker for the Dead"---to avoid this "false picture" of someone's life?) Anyway, now, (my mother-in-law said), she doesn't feel that way, because she has learned that seeing all those good things about a person's life, and not being as caught up in their faults, is just as true of a way of seeing things. Maybe more true, because so often our perceptions of others' shortcomings are colored by our own shortcomings. And as she gets older, she is learning to see the faults of others more generously---and to see more clearly the good they really were trying to achieve, and DID achieve. To see others (this is my interpretation here) more like God sees us.
And I agree with her. Because I have loved, this past week, to see my Dad's life as an entity apart, not something I'm tangled up in and entwined with, but something separate and complete in itself, and I think I can see it more clearly that way. Reading through his old journals, hearing my brothers' memories, seeing old pictures and scrapbooks, and even just reflecting on all my own memories of him---all of those things have helped me see Dad as a person and not just as my dad. And it's cool. Because we weren't always very close, and it drove me crazy what a worrier he was, and I just didn't understand him half the time---but I find so much to love and admire and respect and miss about him, and that is all TRUE. Just as true as the annoyances. And I'm so grateful for the recent chance I've had to think about it! And especially, for the chance to continue my relationship with him someday, from this better-perspectived, truer footing.
And maybe someday, as I get older and wiser, I'll learn to see people this way all the time. Wouldn't that be good?
Thank you for sharing this perspective. I completely agree that it is a true way of seeing things. So many things we look back at and hardly remember the horrible things. Missions for example. People say "best 2 years of my life" or whatever because when they're done with it they've forgotten all of the crying and headaches from straining to understand a crazy language and blisters and homesickness. The parts that stick out are the good ones.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your father, but like you said you can think of all that you have to look forward to--somebody to meet you and show you around the spirit world. I recently went to Steve Hillam's father's funeral and the stake president spoke to the grandchildren and told them how blessed they were to have a grandfather watching and protecting them from the other side. I'd never really considered it that way. But hard things bless us.
I love you Marilyn!
I hope you don't mind me reading, but that was so beautiful - and TRUE! I've been talking to people a lot about that lately - acceptance, generosity, giving the benefit of the doubt. It is so necessary and so difficult when we are all tangled up together. Thank you for this perspective.
ReplyDeleteI was actually just thinking about this recently. Weddings and funerals are the only two events in a person's life when everyone gets to pretend that that person is perfect. And I actually like it that way. Just as you said, to focus on the positive elements of a person's life is no less true than to focus on their flaws. Doesn't it all just boil down to the basic challenge we all deal with on a day-to-day basis? To look for the good? To be grateful? It's all a matter of what we choose to see. I think it's good to have opportunities (two in the course of a lifetime isn't much, after all) when EVERYONE is expected to see the good in someone else.
ReplyDeleteI loved going to the funeral. It was packed! I don't think you're father expected to find himself to popular!
ReplyDeleteYour talk was my favorite, and I thought you gave a lovely tribute to him. My heart was glad to think about how your father was gentle to you and that he was happy for you to find a gentle husband to take care of you. And I loved how everybody talked about your parents love for each other. It was beautiful to hear and think about.
Thanks for letting me come.
And I agree with all that you said here. Why are we so judgmental of our parents and siblings? The older I get the more I realize I need to rely on the Atonement for my shortcomings as a parent, and also for my judgments against my parents. I feel like I'm more and more willing to love them and see them how they really are instead of what I wanted them to be for me when I was growing up. It's good. Thanks.
I think maybe when we concentrate on the good things about somebody's life we're doing it for ourselves as well as for that person--like it's such a good and charitable exercise to find the beauty in a life instead of the more sordid or commonplace things I guess. Kind of like how a funeral is more for the people left behind than the one who has passed on.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I was just thinking maybe that was part of it too.
I like that you have a good perspective on your dad, that's really important. And what a gift to be able to read his journals and get a different feel for things--or maybe not different but just more.
Anyway, I'm loving your posts--I always do, but these last few have been really special.
Love you!
This was beautifully said. How typical of you. And how strange that I would have learned the same thing this year, as I did a book of my own father's life (he has NOT died, which adds an interesting layer to the experience. I, too, have learned to see my father as a real person, boy to young man to man - to the man he is now, trying to bring all the lessons into one flowing truth. So at this moment, we are the same age, you and I.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I've never envisioned you as so tiny. And you were--SO LITTLE. And such a cute ball of pink. Sophie called you a "cute little mouse" which I think is a compliment.
ReplyDeleteMar, thanks so much for sharing the beautiful memories and thoughts about your dad. It reminds me of Pollyanna's quote from Abraham Lincoln, only in reverse: "If you look for the [good] in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will." I think it's a constant life-struggle to see others the way the Savior does. Thanks for the reminder. And you look so much like Abe & Seb sitting on your dad's lap!
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