This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the April 2007 Conference.
I remember Elder Oaks' talk from this session with a great weight of memory. When I read it, I immediately travel back to that time. It's not a happy time, not easy to write about. At the time of this conference, Sam and I were divorced. Yes, we divorced for a brief time. There is so much backstory and context I could put around that statement, but it's not something I've ever wanted to hide—just something that's hard to bring up out of nowhere, especially since our life has (thanks be to God!) moved on to such a happier place now. (And if you're thinking, "Well, I'm sure it wasn't her fault!"—it's not true. It was my fault.)
So when I heard Elder Oaks say his first words—"I have felt impressed to speak about divorce"—I knew he was talking to me. But not in the usual, benign way, "the Lord inspired this message and it feels like it could be just for me!"—no. You see, my parents are friends with Elder Oaks and I knew they had written to him about my circumstances. So I was pretty sure this talk was actually written because of me. As I listened to it at this difficult time, I didn't disagree with any of his points. I wasn't even offended when he said things like…
The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce.
and
I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance.
and
Think first of the children.
I knew he was right. I even agreed with him, in theory. But I felt great and far-reaching despair because I assumed I had already failed, already forfeited my chance at obeying these doctrines.
The story of the next few months and years is too much to be told here—I would tell you in person, if you asked me. For now I will just say that Elder Oaks' advice that in a marriage, both spouses
should balance current disappointments against the good of the past and the brighter prospects of the future
—felt literally impossible to follow for me at that time. I saw no brighter prospects and I could hardly believe in them. Only unbroken dimness ahead as far as I could imagine. I'm sure Satan was working as hard as he could to make me believe that was all there would ever be, and I believed him, for a time. But now I can see that Elder Oaks was right. There was a much brighter future ahead. And I also believe in this promise as I could not dream of believing it then:
Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.
Re-reading this talk brings, as I said, a great weight of memory with it. In spite of all I've learned since that time, I'm still learning and processing my experiences. I still feel sadness thinking back on them, though the sadness has mellowed. Oddly, I found peace this time in reading the talk that came before Elder Oaks' talk, by President Faust about Forgiveness. He quotes Brigham Young as saying:
Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.
I know this doesn't excuse sin and it doesn't take away agency and consequences. But it is comforting doctrine. I can see many so ways I have grown since this, and in part because of this, difficult time. Those lessons were necessary for my growth. There were significant blessings along the way. And Sam's and my marriage has grown too. I look back now, as I could not then, with the perspective that President Oaks described for couples who worked through marriage difficulties:
[They] emerged with their marriages even stronger. That prospect began with their mutual commitment to keep the commandments, stay active in their Church attendance, scripture reading, and prayer, and to work on their own shortcomings. They “recognized the importance and power of the Atonement for their spouse and for themselves,” and “they were patient and would try again and again.”
And I can be thankful for this most important lesson of all, one I began to learn from divorce many years ago and and am still learning now through my continuing experiences:
All who have been through divorce know the pain and need the healing power and hope that come from the Atonement.
I do know that. And I am grateful to know that. These experiences are leading me, as Brigham Young said, toward salvation, and I am so thankful that they are!
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