A is for Application

Seb's application. The bottom spiral section says "If you have a dog and/or cat, you can't be a Nielson. If your name starts with D or J, you can't be a Nielson. [ummm, super subtle dig at your little sisters, Seb!] **WE DO NOT ALLOW 50 or older." I was sorry to hear that. Guess the kids'll be out a couple parents in a decade or so. Also, good thing he asked "Do you have a dog or a cat" in two different ways, just to make sure. Don't want any dog- or cat-owners slipping through the screening!!
Remember when we used to do Alphabet Weekends? It was fun and we liked it, and then for several years everything seemed too busy and we felt that we just couldn't muster up the energy anymore. And then suddenly, we felt that we could. So we're back at it. I don't know if I will post them all here (or how timely such posts will be), but on the other hand, where else would I record these things? I feel that they ought to be preserved for posterity (that is, if any posterity manage to make it through the stringent application process).

For letter "A," Sam had us all prepare applications for someone who wants to become a member of the Nielson family. We're pretty selective, frankly (some more than others). Abe's application ran to about 15 single-spaced pages, and heaven help you if you have any blood conditions! And several of the children turn out to be rather mercenary little wretches, you'll notice. But by all means, consider applying! We do at least eat well, most of the time, if I do say so myself!
Do you like bunnies?
Do you like School?
Do you like flight?
Have you been on a plane?
What is your favorite interest?
Rules: No jumping on couch. Clean home on Friday. Naps if 1-5. No video games. Piano lesson if 8-20.
Pay per month $100. Pay each kid $20 per month.
 Malachi's application told everyone the rules right up front. Probably a good idea. I wasn't aware of all of these rules, but, you know. Ky also had an official-looking sticker prepared which could be placed in the "Becom a Nielson" box upon successful completion of the application.
Abe's application was very official—lots of legal disclaimers and waivers to sign and so forth. It's good he specified that people have to agree with the family's "main views." We wouldn't want any messy political disagreements at the dinner table! Also, there is NO ROOM for blood problems here. Sorry, hemophiliacs! Maybe we might make an exception for mild anemia? BUT DON'T COUNT ON IT!

I also really appreciate the emphasis on having sufficient savings and income. We don't want any free-loaders, darn it! And prior toilet training! Yes! Why didn't I think of making that a requirement years ago? I tell you, if Abe hadn't already been in the family, he would have gotten in on the strength of this application alone.
Phone number.
You have to know what we learn in school.
You can't play with my penguins.
You can't wear my dresses.
Daisy's application is really more of a "take the pledge" sort of document. She covered all her major concerns clearly and succinctly, I think.
My application. You really have to know your "Scarlet Pimpernel," apparently. I know some of you that meet that requirement. You're well on your way to joining us! Better start thinking of your favorite toe to stub.
Sam's application was, of course, a masterpiece from start to finish. I especially liked that he required applicants to list their previous families and reasons for leaving. Can't be too careful. Also, were you raised by wolves?

My goodness, I hate the phrase "Lordy Lordy look who's forty!"

Well, that does it for the applications. Hope to have some great team members joining us soon!


  1. wow. Wow. WOW!!!!!!!!! I would like Sam's application sent to me in .pdf form, please. No, really.

  2. Oh man. There is just too too much greatness here to even try to formulate a comment! But I do love how stringent these requirements are. There is really no chance of you getting someone who might not mesh perfectly. I do hope you'll keep these for your children's prospective future spouses to fill out. All this required blood information suggests that one might be required to give blood for any transfusions that might be needed at any time (so thank goodness he's filtering out blood issues). I like that they'll be cleaning the house on Fridays. And nice that it will bring in a little extra income for you guys and the kids. But poor Jesse. He will never possibly make the three allergy cut. Hahah.

    1. Blood transfusions are a high priority, apparently. :) Maybe Jesse can apply for the "takes things apart" exception. His propensity to do so would help him fit right in here, allergies or no (poor guy).

  3. Things I want to know:
    1--How many applications has Abraham been exposed to? Because he hit it pretty darn close.
    2--Why do your kids hate cats? you used to love mine!
    3--Can I be a proxy Nielson? If Sam draws my face on a balloon it'll probably look pretty good. :-) Although I will miss eating all those good meals.
    4--Toe to stub: none of the above. Or below rather.
    5--why is your family so awesome? I love this post. love love love

    1. Hee hee. It did seem like there was much anti-cat sentiment! But my kids DO like cats (and I had cats growing up too, as you recall). (And I did love that Chiton (sp?) of yours.) I think they are just afraid a cat would hurt our bunny.

      You are already a proxy Nielson. We set a plate for you at Passover, like Elijah.

  4. Y'all are truly my favoritest intellectuals in the whole wide world! Thank you so much for sharing! I wouldn't stand a chance at becoming a Nielson, yet that Proxy status with a balloon representation is mighty appealing. :) Looking forward to seeing future Alphabet Weekend posts! :)

    1. Thanks Katie! I need to meet your cute baby sometime!

  5. You are all too brilliant for words! I will be bringing my own basic things—I'm afraid I can't afford your diamond-encrusted toothbrushes...but I am over 20, so I'm hoping I will get in purely upon the strength of this:
    •a social call.
    •A bit—headstrong, perhaps.
    •desperately in love?
    •the committee...the man who hopes one day to marry you.
    •lost my husband's love and I don't know why.
    •get some blood on those lily white hands of his—ah!
    •not too superb, I trust.

    1. Jessica: You're in! Your first duty is to accompany us to London as my Paid Companion. Please contact me at your earliest convenience to arrange the schedule.
      Yrs., &c.


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