The person we were designed to become

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the October 2012 Conference.

Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this session was really good. When I read it this time I saw I'd marked a paragraph from it nine years ago, the one that says:

Doesn’t it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?

Yes! We all know I struggle with this, and his reminder to be grateful and embrace what's happening right now is as timely as it ever was. But this time I also noticed this paragraph:

Let us resolve to follow the Savior and work with diligence to become the person we were designed to become. Let us listen to and obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit. As we do so, Heavenly Father will reveal to us things we never knew about ourselves. He will illuminate the path ahead and open our eyes to see our unknown and perhaps unimagined talents.

There is nothing that remarkable about this; I think about it quite often in regards to my children. I want so much for them to become who Heavenly Father knows they can be! But it was strange this time to suddenly think it about myself! I tend to think of myself as just…already who I am. I have lots of things I'd like to improve at, and many parts of myself I hope I can change, of course—but on some basic level I've kind of assumed I already know what there is to know about myself. So it is surprising to suddenly think about "unknown and perhaps unimagined talents" I might have. It's strange to think I may still not have had some experience, or not held some calling, or not have learned some lesson, which is going to be definitive for me! Or to think that someday, I might be a quite different person because of what I've learned or how I've grown. I make confident statements about myself like "I've never been good at…" or "I've always been someone who…"— but I never really consider that I might be wrong about some of those things! It's astonishing to think that Heavenly Father could actually reveal me to, now, at my age, "things I never knew about myself." And it's kind of exciting, too. Because I really do want to become the person I was "designed to become"!

Other posts in this series:

I know that my redeemer lives!—by Rozy

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A few hours in New York

It's a long (and probably boring) story. (That should be the title of this blog.) But in a nutshell, we thought we might not manage a senior trip with Malachi at all, and then we thought we might manage to find a time this summer before his mission, and then we thought we might do it in December, and then we thought we couldn't possibly fit it in in the six days between the end of Sam's BYU classes and the Finals he'd need to be back for, and then suddenly it was Thanksgiving and there were cheap flights available to Greece in a few weeks, but on the right days, and it seemed a little crazy to go so far, for so few days, on such short notice, with so much else going on…but then we thought about how GREAT it has been to spend uninterrupted one-on-one time with our older boys at this age precisely when they DO have so much else going on. And we decided life was not going to get less hectic anytime soon, and that a short time in Greece would still be pretty amazing, and we bought the plane tickets!

(Traveling) beggars can't be (traveling) choosers. So the logistics of the travel were not ideal. But late flights and long layovers meant that we would find ourselves in New York City with ten hours to kill before our next flight. And on Malachi's birthday, no less! So we researched "long layovers in NYC" and saw that plenty of people manage trips in to the city from the airport, and then it seemed it might be fun to have a little extra leg of our trip to enjoy!

We planned a few things we might do, but the best part came totally unexpectedly the day before we left. Sebastian texted me saying he was in Washington D.C., heading to New Jersey.

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Seek guidance one day at a time

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Young Women's Session of the April 2012 Conference.

I had a hard time finding a talk that really spoke to me this session, and I'm not sure why. But I did like this, from President Monson:

I have spoken over the years with many individuals who have told me, “I have so many problems, such real concerns. I’m overwhelmed with the challenges of life. What can I do?” I have offered to them, and I now offer to you, this specific suggestion: seek heavenly guidance one day at a time.…Each of us can be true for just one day—and then one more and then one more after that—until we’ve lived a lifetime guided by the Spirit, a lifetime close to the Lord, a lifetime of good deeds and righteousness.

I think it's interesting that this is the advice he gave for people with such big problems. And it's not like I haven't heard "take things a day at a time!" before, but this time I was thinking about how often my deepest fears and discouragements aren't even quite about what's happening now, but what I fear is going to happen. Hard things feel insurmountable when my thoughts start spiraling toward "…and this is only the beginning!" or "…and this is only going to get harder!" or "What if something even worse comes from this?" or "I'm struggling even with this, so imagine how much I'll struggle with the next part…" 

And it's silly! Completely unhelpful! We can't even really pray about these imagined future challenges (although I'm sure we can, generally, ask for peace and future guidance) because they're so looming and nebulous! So I think this is actually really good advice because we can pray about today. We can pray about the specifics we're facing right now. And we can get the "heavenly guidance" President Monson promises about those things, enough to take the next step and then the next. Specifically seeking help for what is hard today can calm my fears enough to reassure me that if tomorrow does bring something harder, Heavenly Father will be there for for that too.

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Let them feel our confidence

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2012 Conference.

I have thought for a long time that Doctrine and Covenants 121 applies to anyone in a leadership role, not just those with a priesthood office. It seems to me extremely relevant advice for motherhood and fatherhood as well as priesthood leadership. So I noticed Elder Larry Y. Wilson thinking along those same lines:

The Doctrine and Covenants explains that the right to use the priesthood in the home or elsewhere is directly connected with righteousness in our lives: “The powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.” It goes on to say that we lose that power when we “exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of [others], in any degree of unrighteousness.”

This scripture says we must lead by “principles of righteousness.” Such principles apply to all leaders in the Church as well as to all fathers and mothers in their homes. We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit and to whatever authority we have from God when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. We may think such methods are for the good of the one being “controlled.” But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously. When setting firm limits for another person is in order, those limits should always be administered with loving patience and in a way that teaches eternal principles.

We simply cannot force others to do the right thing. The scriptures make it clear that this is not God’s way. Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent. Learning opportunities are lost when controlling persons pridefully assume they have all the right answers for others. The scriptures say that “it is the nature and disposition of almost all men” to engage in this “unrighteous dominion,” so we should be aware that it’s an easy trap to fall into. Women too may exercise unrighteous dominion, though the scriptures identify the problem especially with men.

I have always been a pretty firm "limit-setter" with my children, which is fine, I think, and worked well when they were young, but in the last ten years or so of parenthood, I have been learning to be more aware of the side of "unrighteous dominion" as well. It's so easy to almost bully little children into something. To scare them into obedience. I haven't meant to do that, but I have done it. But I see more and more how ineffective that is in actually changing their hearts, helping them learn to want to obey. So I am trying to find ways to take this advice:

Our children are in our homes for a limited time. If we wait until they walk out the door to turn over to them the reins of their moral agency, we have waited too long. They will not suddenly develop the ability to make wise decisions if they have never been free to make any important decisions while in our homes. Such children often either rebel against this compulsion or are crippled by an inability to make any decisions on their own.

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.

Elder Wilson tells the story of his daughter wanting to play a sports game on Sunday, and how he and his wife let her pray about it and make the wrong decision even though they knew it was wrong! And she learned from it! I'm not sure I would have had the courage to allow that as a young parent. But they didn't just agree to it on a whim—they as parents prayed about it and felt that they should let the daughter decide. I think I could be more vigilant at looking for opportunities like that for my children.

And then Elder Wilson shares this great quote from Elder Eyring:

If we are going to help those in our stewardships make the all-important link with heaven, we must be the kind of parent and leader described in Doctrine and Covenants, section 121. We must act “only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.” President Henry B. Eyring has said, “Of all the help we can give … young people, the greatest will be to let them feel our confidence that they are on the path home to God and that they can make it.”

Let them feel our confidence! I want to do that. But sometimes I actually don't have that confidence for them. I don't know if I should just fake it at that point? Or, probably better, pray to see them like God does, so I don't have to fake it. And if I have enough faith in His plan, I think it will get easier and easier to believe that my children are His children, and that He will make sure they receive the experiences they need to make it home to Him.

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Birthdays, pretty skies, and describing oneself "candywise"

We celebrated the December birthdays on the wrong days, as it seems we always must in December, even separating the Birthday Dinner from the Birthday Cake and the Birthday Presents in some cases. But we did celebrate them as best we could! I could hardly spare a moment to marvel about HOW squishy little Malachi grew from a sweet Gussish toddler to a smart, if skeptical, Malachi-ish ADULT. Nor to give in to the sadness that little Gussish Gus will someday be…someone else entirely; no one knows who!

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Relief Society is a way of life

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the April 2012 Conference.

You always know I'm going to like a Julie B. Beck talk! I thought this was an interesting statement to think about:

Relief Society is a way of life for Latter-day Saint women, and its influence extends far beyond a Sunday class or a social gathering. It follows the pattern of female disciples who served with the Lord Jesus Christ and His Apostles in His ancient Church.

Relief Society is a way of life for Latter-day Saint women. Is it? I tried to think if this is true for women I know. For my mom? Yes. I can't imagine her ever not ministering to a sick neighbor or giving rides to a widow who doesn't like to drive. She doesn't have to have an assignment, she just does it—instinctively, it seems to me. For my current ministering sisters? Yes. When they visit me, they exude "Relief Society" vibes—happy to help with anything, ready to step with relief in at a moment's notice. We aren't best friends (yet! give us a couple more years though…) but I have no doubt they would be there the minute I called in a crisis. For my friend Rozy? Yes. When she came by to visit, within half an hour she was reading to my children and letting them drag her around to see all their toys. So yes. I think for all these women, it's completely true that giving love, relief, and service to others has just become part of who they are.

When I think about myself, or other women my own age, I'm not as sure. I don't know if I give off such effortless "Relief Society" energy as do these other women I admire. I definitely aspire to have it be a way of life for me, and I'm willing, but I don't know if I've learned the habits of service as well as they have, and I don't think I give it as gracefully as they do! Maybe it becomes more engrained in you as the years pass, until by the end of your life it really is woven through your whole soul. However, I already have friends my own age who, though they don't seem the quintessential "Relief Society lady" of my imagination (maybe these imaginary ladies must always be older than me because I'll never feel like I'm one of the old and wise ones!), do seem to be constantly serving in the church, helping in their communities, finding ways to use their talents for good, and generally letting their lights shine wherever they go. They may not have settled quite into their mothers' roles. (I think most of us still look with awe at our mothers!) But they are already disciples of Christ.

And I guess that's the real pattern Sister Beck is talking about. We should always be growing and improving as disciples. Having Relief Society as a way of life means learning as a way of life, service as a a way of life, progress as a way of life. No matter where we are right now, our membership in Relief Society can help us become even more like Jesus—and to bless others along the way.

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Nutcracker 2025

Last year, as you may remember, we got home from Quebec just in time (literally…they raced in after intermission) for the girls to go watch their friends in the Nutcracker, but of course they didn't get to participate themselves. And Junie's teacher had told her Junie would have been Clara if we hadn't been in Quebec. So that was a little sad. But, now all the girls are beyond the "Clara" stage, they get to dance the harder Second Act roles…including, sometimes, with partners! And that has been very fun for them!

It was also weird this year because Nutcracker was after Christmas! The performance was at a new theater they haven't used before and somehow they couldn't get on the schedule early enough, or something. So it was weird to have rehearsals leading up to Christmas and then a break and then suddenly the performances on the 26th and 27th when we are usually getting to, finally, take a break from everything! I didn't like it. But I think it will be back to normal next year.

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