With a heart that is willing

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the October 2012 Conference.

I liked Elder Bednar's talk, "Converted Unto the Lord." I think we talk often enough about "conversion" in the church that I understand what it is. I know about having a change of heart and "no more desire to do evil." But I think this talk still helped me see it a little differently. Before, when I've thought about that change of heart (like the people of Ammon experienced), I've imagined that once you have it, you won't do anything wrong anymore. You don't want to do evil, so you never will do evil. But I like this description from Elder Bednar:

Conversion is an offering of self, of love, and of loyalty we give to God in gratitude for the gift of testimony.

Thinking about it this way, it seems to me like we may well still struggle to fully accept God's will when new challenges come—but we have an underlying desire to follow Him and a determination to be loyal to and love Him. So we will be wiling to "engage in the wrestle" (as Sister Dew says). We will keep making the effort. Because if conversion meant we were perfect from then on, what would be the point of continuing life in mortality? Surely, all the way to the end we will keep having challenges and trials that are truly trials to us. But our conversion will help us stay true to the gospel and the commandments as we struggle through them. As Elder Bednar says,

Continuing conversion is constant devotion to the revealed truth we have received—with a heart that is willing and for righteous reasons.

That implies we will continue learning truth and won't have it all at first, meaning we could easily make mistakes based on our incorrect knowledge along the way. At the same time, a converted heart would desire and seek goodness, and would be truly sorry for those errors or lapses in judgement. That humility would lead to greater understanding:

For many of us, conversion is an ongoing process and not a onetime event that results from a powerful or dramatic experience. Line upon line and precept upon precept, gradually and almost imperceptibly, our motives, our thoughts, our words, and our deeds become aligned with the will of God. Conversion unto the Lord requires both persistence and patience.

I love the thought that a converted heart can come gradually and "almost imperceptibly," because sometimes it is so hard to see progress in myself (and those around me!). It's easy to notice how many things I still struggle with, and worrisome to realize things like "after all these years of practice, I am still getting impatient with my kids!" But I do have a willing heart, and I do feel love, loyalty, and gratitude to God. So I am hopeful that I am on the way to being fully converted to Jesus Christ and His gospel.

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Little Collections of Things

Living with Clementine is like living with…I don't know, a bunch of little squirrels or something. Except instead of hiding nuts, she puts together little collections of things. Same-colored things, same-shaped things, whatever kinds of matching things.

Here she is matching Evie in their little beds (with gnomes)

Gnome mama and baby (she and I made these)

With the gnomes Daisy and Junie made her

Did you forget about the baby?

With Daisy's penguins (Clementine doesn't confine her collecting and grouping of things to her own things)

Another arrangement of penguins

Lined up by color

Grouped by category ("crocheted," "fuzzy," "furry," "hard," "soft")

Gnomes

More gnomes

Did you forget the tiny gnome again?

Bunnies under matching blankets

Gnomes in stroller

Bunnies

Gnomes with envelopes. (Envelopes are rather a "thing" at our house right now, for some reason. People make them for each other and carry them around. I think it started because we had a gnome Christmas card my mom sent us, and Clementine kept the envelope to be her own, and then she had to make matching ones for everyone else…)

Bunnies and Clementine all wearing pajama suits

"The balls"

Elephants

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Christmas Eve and Christmas

A little catching up! First of all, the question on everyone's lips: what did the rest of the children do while we were in Greece with Malachi? 

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Always calculated to bless

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the October 2012 Conference.

It was hard to choose a talk from this session. Elder Holland's talk, "The First Great Commandment," is one of the best talks ever! (I miss him!) President Packer's talk on the Atonement of Jesus Christ is also great. And Elder Eyring's "Where is the Pavilion" made a big impression on me the first time I heard it. I'm writing about that last one because it has been the most baffling to me, in a way. As with so many of Elder Eyring's talks, I've felt that there is something about it I just cannot grasp. I remember reading it several years ago hoping it would have answers to my questions, but I just couldn't find them.

Something shifted this time and I think I understand a little more. The "pavilion" covering God is an image that works for me. And it makes sense that this is true:

Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible.

Of course if God seems distant, the problem is on our side and not His! But so many times I've felt frustrated with Elder Eyring's remedy for it:

Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done,” create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time.

Our feelings of separation from God will diminish as we become more childlike before Him.

I think I've just felt in so many cases that I already am trying to accept God's will, and I don't know what else to do. And when any person is feeling alone because God's love isn't getting through to him or her, it feels unfair to add another burden of guilt saying "That blockage you feel is your own fault!"

That's where my perspective shift came this time, as I realized how actually liberating it is to know that truth! Just imagine if we didn't know it was our fault. If we had to guess whether or not God actually was withdrawing from us; to wonder if He had removed His loving presence because of our sins or for some other reason. It would be horrible because if God Himself decided not to be close to us, what recourse would we have? What could we do about it? Nothing. Whereas, knowing He wants to be close—knowing He is always there as soon as we are ready—puts the next steps within our own control and gives us something solid to hope for.

The other thing I realized is that Elder Eyring isn't really saying "the problem of the pavilion lies with you!" as an accusatory thing. He is saying "the problem of the pavilion is a part of our mortal experience, but your efforts to figure out how to remove it will not be in vain!" He talks about the faithful woman longing to have children children, who 

"felt as committed and consecrated as Mary, who declared, 'Behold the handmaid of the Lord.' But although she spoke these words in her heart, she could hear nothing in reply." 

Clearly this woman wasn't doing anything worthy of censure. She was trying! She did want God's will! But the fact that "she could hear nothing in reply" showed her that she needed to search for an even deeper understanding. This wasn't a punishment but a blessing! God was inviting her to trust His purposes and His plan on a new level. And she did it!:

For the first time, she asked not for another child but for a divine errand. “Heavenly Father,” she cried, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.” She expressed her willingness to take her family wherever they might be required to go. That prayer produced an unexpected feeling of peace. It did not satisfy her mind’s craving for certainty, but for the first time in years, it calmed her heart.

The prayer removed the pavilion and opened the windows of heaven.

Again, it was suddenly clear to me this time that there is no shame or blame attached to our needing time and effort to reach these new depths of understanding:

Submitting fully to heaven’s will, as this young mother did, is essential to removing the spiritual pavilions we sometimes put over our heads. But it does not guarantee immediate answers to our prayers.

Abraham’s heart seems to have been right long before Sarah conceived Isaac and before they received their promised land. Heaven had other purposes to fulfill first. Those purposes included not only building Abraham and Sarah’s faith but also teaching them eternal truths that they shared with others on their long, circuitous route to the land prepared for them. The Lord’s delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience.

In other words, the whole point of a person taking responsibility for the "pavilions" between her and God is not for her to feel guilty about it. It is so she can think, without "loneliness or sorrow or impatience," "Okay, I know God still loves me and hasn't withdrawn. That truth is a constant. So the fact that I feel alone right now means I have some work to do. Somewhere I am missing something He needs me to know. Now I need to search for what."

I've seen so many times where, in my own life and the lives of those I love, the clouds of mortality are obscuring our vision. I'm sure Satan is actively encouraging those clouds to cover us too. It's not even necessarily our fault…but whether it is or not doesn't matter because the next step always lies within our power: look up anyway. Seek God anyway. He is close, He loves us, and He will always reward our efforts to try harder, look closer, be more trusting, wait more patiently, understand more deeply. Those are the very efforts that will clear the clouds. As Elder Eyring says: 

For any of you who now feel that He is hard to reach, I testify that the day will come that we all will see Him face to face. Just as there is nothing now to obscure His view of us, there will be nothing to obscure our view of Him.

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Greece Part V: Μερικά ακόμα πράγματα, όπως γιαούρτι

(A few more things, including yogurt):

 

Saturday night we went to a deli down the street to see if we could gather some charcuterie for meals the next day. The owner was super friendly and insisted on us having samples of anything we so much as glanced at behind the counter, as well as several things we didn't. And everything was GOOD. Lots of salamis and prosciutto…many kinds of cheeses (feta being the very best of them)…the most delicious sheep's milk yogurt in little terra cotta pots. He even talked us into some olives, which are usually not my favorite, but these were big and meaty and didn't really taste like anything else I'd ever had. The guy said to us, "If you don't like something as much as you expect, come back and I'll give you your money back. If you like it more than you expect…come back and pay me double!" Ha ha. We almost would have considered it! The final meal was amazing. 

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Greece Part IV: Πράγματα που πιστεύετε ότι πρέπει να δείτε στην Ελλάδα

This part is called "Things you think you should see in Greece." I wrote it in Greek (via Google Translate…of course!!) and am now considering writing this whole post in Greek because it looks much more mysterious and exciting that way! Αν μπορείς να το διαβάσεις αυτό, έχεις το χάρισμα της γλωσσολαλιάς.

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Could there be anything more exhilarating?

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Priesthood Session of the October 2012 Conference.

I miss Priesthood Session. Can I miss it when I never went to it? I miss that it exists. I miss that men get to go to it. When else did they get a chance to sing, listen, laugh, and be together like that? We always joked about how the men got called to repentance in their session, and the women got praised and comforted in their session, and there was some truth to that, but as I re-read the talks I see so much more than that. The Priesthood Session talks were so focused and pertinent. They were so stirring. I feel like they treated men like no one in the world treats men anymore: as if they are powerful, capable, and important—but could be trusted to use those gifts with gentleness and love.

Well, it's too bad, but there must be some reason for the change. I suppose there's nothing stopping any General Authority from still giving a talk just to the men if he wants to! Anyway, I do like reading these old Priesthood Sessions. I really liked Elder Christofferson's talk this time ("Brethren, We Have Work to Do"—one of those stirring ones of the sort I mentioned earlier) but I might have liked Elder Uchtdorf's even more. 

He tells a story about the benefits and limitations of flying in two different kinds of planes, and then he says:

Yes, there is always something imperfect in any situation. Yes, it is easy to find things to complain about.

But brethren, we are bearers of the Holy Priesthood, after the Order of the Son of God! Each of us had hands laid upon our head, and we received the priesthood of God. We have been given authority and responsibility to act in His name as His servants on earth. Whether in a large ward or a small branch, we are called upon to serve, to bless, and to act in all things for the good of everyone and everything entrusted to our care. Could there be anything more exhilarating?

Let us understand, appreciate, and feel the joy of service in the priesthood.

Elder Uchtdorf is so great. I love his perspective and his joyful example. You can see his own exhilaration and joy in God's service. And when he talks about it, I feel it too. I was thinking about how hard it would be to serve in our Quebec branch all the time. Always having to fill some key position because there are so few truly active members. Always hoping for (but not getting) a temple closer to home. Always trying to welcome new members and meet the needs of so many who are struggling. Never quite feeling like you have the full amount of youth or priesthood leadership or active families that you wish you had. It would be exhausting.

And yet a bigger, "stronger," more established ward has its own challenges. There are still many to fellowship, many to support, many to disagree with. The callings are usually filled, but commitment can still waver, and sometimes it feels like more established members waste their gospel experience by tying themselves into philosophical knots about things that would be better kept simple. Faith and obedience may be a struggle for people even in a bigger ward. And it's definitely harder to feel needed and useful in a ward where there are 50 other people that can do everything better than you.

When I think about this I start to feel overwhelmed with the impossibility of ever becoming a Zion People, but Elder Uchtdorf just cuts right through all that discouragement with his simple statement that priesthood (and gospel) service is a privilege and joy. It should be "exhilarating," whether we are in Quebec or Utah or anywhere else in between. We get to work hand in hand with Jesus Christ himself!

I also loved the grateful viewpoint Elder Uchtdorf demonstrated here:

My love for flying influenced the direction of my entire life. But as invigorating and blissful as my experiences as a pilot were, my experiences as a member of this Church have been much deeper, more joyful, and far more profound. As I have immersed myself in Church service, I have felt God’s almighty power as well as His tender mercies.

As a pilot, I have touched the skies. As a Church member, I have felt heaven’s embrace.

Every now and then, I miss sitting in a cockpit. But serving alongside my brothers and sisters in the Church easily makes up for it. Being able to feel the sublime peace and joy that grow from being a small part of this great cause and work, I would not want to miss for anything in the world.

Since Malachi started college, we suddenly have only seven kids at home most of the time. I know that sounds like a joke (ha ha, "only" seven) but it really does feel quite a lot different! Sometimes the older boys will be here for a few days to visit, and then when they leave again, the house feels emptier than ever! It all seemed to happen so fast and I've been feeling pretty sad about it, when I have time to think about it. It feels so hard to have to shift and evolve from the habits and routines that have defined my life for so long! Especially hard to evolve into a nebulous, undefined future. But Elder Uchtdorf deals with that so briskly and cheerfully. "Every now and then, I miss sitting in a cockpit. But serving alongside my brothers and sisters in the Church easily makes up for it." 

I need to start thinking that way! Every now and then, yes, I will miss having young children and feeling so necessary and important to them. Every now and then I will miss who I was as a young mother. Every now and then I will miss the uncomplicated decisions of parenting a young family. But, I will always have the privilege of serving in the church, of serving my children and family in new ways, and of serving and loving those God puts in my path. I know God will compensate me many times over for any efforts I give in His kingdom, because I, too, have seen glimpses of the "sublime peace and joy that grow from being a small part of this great cause and work." 

Other posts in this series:

Basic Habits of Righteousness—by Rozy

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Greece Part III: Πόρος και Αίγινα

The other two islands were Poros and Ægina. (I don't know if they really use that "Æ." It just seemed like an ideal opportunity for it.)

You can see Hydra down there at the bottom. And then the big landmass is the mainland. Poros is right next to it and used to be part of it, but an earthquake detached it so it's now technically its own little island. The narrow channel between Galatas and Poros is really beautiful!

Then Aegina is up at the top. (And Athens is across the water, to the right and off the screen.)

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Greece Part II: Εδρα

December in Greece is, obviously, the off-season, which is part of why we found a good deal to go there. And I think it can be cold there in December. But it was so perfect and beautiful when we were there. Every moment it was just the right temperature. When we walked outside I'd usually take a sweater but never really need it. The afternoon sun felt gentle and energizing. The night air felt soft and refreshing. However, it was certainly not weather for going to the beach, so I wasn't sure if we should even try to visit the ocean at all, or just stay in the city.

Of course there are a million Greek islands. (Actually from 1200 to 6000, Google tells me.) And there are cruises that go for days and weeks to take people between the popular ones. But I found out there are some islands close to Athens, in the Saronic Gulf, which are close enough to have ferries to them! Well…you know we do love a good island. So I found a day cruise that would take us to three of those nearby islands. And then a shuttle bus picked us up from near our house and drove us down to the marina early Saturday morning.

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Greece Part I: Αθήνα

Maybe the best thing about Athens was the view from the apartment we stayed in. We rode the tiny elevator (one person at a time…that's how tiny it was…and Malachi just ran up the stairs because he didn't want to wait) to the 5th floor, walked through the doorway and looked out the window and saw this:

I knew we were seeing the Parthenon, I remembered that much from ancient history classes, but I hadn't realized it was up on a big cliff like that (the rocky hill is the Acropolis, which apparently isn't only a word for this hill but any ancient Greek fortification…but really, I think this one is "the" Acropolis) and I definitely hadn't realized it would just be right there!

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To us this is a great evil

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the October 2012 Conference.

I liked so many of the talks in this session. Elder L. Tom Perry's about being goodly parents had lots of good advice. I liked Elder Ballard's talk about the honeybees and being anxiously engaged in good ( I never liked the fact that each bee only contributes 1/12 of a teaspoon of honey to the hive in its lifetime…seems discouraging…but I think I suddenly understood what he meant by sharing it this time). Elder Andersen's talk, Trial of Your Faith, was almost painful to read in parts, but also so so good. I perhaps should have written about that one.

But the one I can't stop thinking about was by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, our current prophet, called "Protect the Children." I usually don't like to write about things other people should do better, because that's not really the point of listening to Conference talks, is it? There is so much I need to do better that I have plenty to do just focusing on that. Nor do I like to wade into controversy in any form. Our current political scene has caused me to withdraw almost completely from consuming either news or opinion, so I am now peacefully oblivious to most of it. I have enough to keep me busy in my own little family, my own little ward, and feel no need, and even a firm imperative not to, venture into militance or "activism." (Others may feel other imperatives. That's fine.)

But with one topic I just can't feel peaceful about other perspectives. It is this:

From the perspective of the plan of salvation, one of the most serious abuses of children is to deny them birth. This is a worldwide trend. The national birthrate in the United States is the lowest in 25 years, and the birthrates in most European and Asian countries have been below replacement levels for many years. This is not just a religious issue. As rising generations diminish in numbers, cultures and even nations are hollowed out and eventually disappear.

One cause of the diminishing birthrate is the practice of abortion. Worldwide, there are estimated to be more than 40 million abortions per year. Many laws permit or even promote abortion, but to us this is a great evil.

It hurts my heart and my spirit to see so many women I like and otherwise admire excusing or even celebrating this "great evil." I can't comprehend how any mother can celebrate it. Yes, I understand there are rare situations where the choice of abortion is complicated, but to bring those up, triumphantly—as if they have any significance at all against the vast tide of very straighforward and obviously wrong choices—seems ignorant at best, downright evil at worst. I know too many articulate, smart, accomplished women, mothers, members of the church of Jesus Christ, who reflexively defend abortion. They choose pro-abortion books for book group. They vilify policies that seek to make it rarer. They speak of it to their children, their daughters, in a way that can't help but sow confusion about the purpose of families and the holiness of motherhood. They bring up false dichotomies and seem to delight in moral dilemmas rather than teaching clear doctrine and trusting God's prophets. It seems to be a blind spot for entire swaths of women—good women!—and I don't understand why, other than I guess that Satan is very good at what he does.

I read that there were an estimated 72-80 million abortions worldwide in 2025. Even at the lower figure, it is the leading cause of death in the world, and also in the USA specifically. The top ten other causes of death (cardiovascular disease, stroke, etc) cause about 39 million deaths per year worldwide. It is unfathomable. If I let myself think about it, about those unique unborn souls, those lost opportunities, I almost can't bear the weight of sorrow.

Maybe there's something I'm missing. Maybe there are more important things to think about. Maybe there is nothing to be done about it until the Savior comes again. I don't know the meaning of all things. But Elder Oaks surely knows God's will on this matter. And he says,

We can all remember our feelings when a little child cried out and reached up to us for help. A loving Heavenly Father gives us those feelings to impel us to help His children. Please recall those feelings as I speak about our responsibility to protect and act for the well-being of children.

I do feel those feelings so strongly. I can't ignore them. I feel toward those unborn babies as I feel toward my own babies—inexpressible love and yearning to help. I wish this issue weren't so tied up with politics, with ideology, with "progressive" thought, because it seems to have confused so many who are otherwise kind and compassionate people. And I hate to see young women, the next generation, served so poorly by their mothers who should guide them better. There is so much sorrow for them in adopting the thoughts of the world on birth control and abortion. So much joy and learning through motherhood, sacrifice, and families—joy Satan does not want them to have! Elder Oaks concludes his talk:

We are speaking of the children of God, and with His powerful help, we can do more to help them…I pray that we will humble ourselves as little children and reach out to protect our little children, for they are the future for us, for our Church, and for our nations.

I don't know what I can do, besides loving and teaching my own children, and trying to value life in every way I can. But Elder Oaks' prayer is my prayer too.

Other posts in this series:

Trial of Your Faith—by Rozy

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The person we were designed to become

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the October 2012 Conference.

Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this session was really good. When I read it this time I saw I'd marked a paragraph from it nine years ago, the one that says:

Doesn’t it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?

Yes! We all know I struggle with this, and his reminder to be grateful and embrace what's happening right now is as timely as it ever was. But this time I also noticed this paragraph:

Let us resolve to follow the Savior and work with diligence to become the person we were designed to become. Let us listen to and obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit. As we do so, Heavenly Father will reveal to us things we never knew about ourselves. He will illuminate the path ahead and open our eyes to see our unknown and perhaps unimagined talents.

There is nothing that remarkable about this; I think about it quite often in regards to my children. I want so much for them to become who Heavenly Father knows they can be! But it was strange this time to suddenly think it about myself! I tend to think of myself as just…already who I am. I have lots of things I'd like to improve at, and many parts of myself I hope I can change, of course—but on some basic level I've kind of assumed I already know what there is to know about myself. So it is surprising to suddenly think about "unknown and perhaps unimagined talents" I might have. It's strange to think I may still not have had some experience, or not held some calling, or not have learned some lesson, which is going to be definitive for me! Or to think that someday, I might be a quite different person because of what I've learned or how I've grown. I make confident statements about myself like "I've never been good at…" or "I've always been someone who…"— but I never really consider that I might be wrong about some of those things! It's astonishing to think that Heavenly Father could actually reveal me to, now, at my age, "things I never knew about myself." And it's kind of exciting, too. Because I really do want to become the person I was "designed to become"!

Other posts in this series:

I know that my redeemer lives!—by Rozy

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A few hours in New York

It's a long (and probably boring) story. (That should be the title of this blog.) But in a nutshell, we thought we might not manage a senior trip with Malachi at all, and then we thought we might manage to find a time this summer before his mission, and then we thought we might do it in December, and then we thought we couldn't possibly fit it in in the six days between the end of Sam's BYU classes and the Finals he'd need to be back for, and then suddenly it was Thanksgiving and there were cheap flights available to Greece in a few weeks, but on the right days, and it seemed a little crazy to go so far, for so few days, on such short notice, with so much else going on…but then we thought about how GREAT it has been to spend uninterrupted one-on-one time with our older boys at this age precisely when they DO have so much else going on. And we decided life was not going to get less hectic anytime soon, and that a short time in Greece would still be pretty amazing, and we bought the plane tickets!

(Traveling) beggars can't be (traveling) choosers. So the logistics of the travel were not ideal. But late flights and long layovers meant that we would find ourselves in New York City with ten hours to kill before our next flight. And on Malachi's birthday, no less! So we researched "long layovers in NYC" and saw that plenty of people manage trips in to the city from the airport, and then it seemed it might be fun to have a little extra leg of our trip to enjoy!

We planned a few things we might do, but the best part came totally unexpectedly the day before we left. Sebastian texted me saying he was in Washington D.C., heading to New Jersey.

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Seek guidance one day at a time

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Young Women's Session of the April 2012 Conference.

I had a hard time finding a talk that really spoke to me this session, and I'm not sure why. But I did like this, from President Monson:

I have spoken over the years with many individuals who have told me, “I have so many problems, such real concerns. I’m overwhelmed with the challenges of life. What can I do?” I have offered to them, and I now offer to you, this specific suggestion: seek heavenly guidance one day at a time.…Each of us can be true for just one day—and then one more and then one more after that—until we’ve lived a lifetime guided by the Spirit, a lifetime close to the Lord, a lifetime of good deeds and righteousness.

I think it's interesting that this is the advice he gave for people with such big problems. And it's not like I haven't heard "take things a day at a time!" before, but this time I was thinking about how often my deepest fears and discouragements aren't even quite about what's happening now, but what I fear is going to happen. Hard things feel insurmountable when my thoughts start spiraling toward "…and this is only the beginning!" or "…and this is only going to get harder!" or "What if something even worse comes from this?" or "I'm struggling even with this, so imagine how much I'll struggle with the next part…" 

And it's silly! Completely unhelpful! We can't even really pray about these imagined future challenges (although I'm sure we can, generally, ask for peace and future guidance) because they're so looming and nebulous! So I think this is actually really good advice because we can pray about today. We can pray about the specifics we're facing right now. And we can get the "heavenly guidance" President Monson promises about those things, enough to take the next step and then the next. Specifically seeking help for what is hard today can calm my fears enough to reassure me that if tomorrow does bring something harder, Heavenly Father will be there for for that too.

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Let them feel our confidence

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2012 Conference.

I have thought for a long time that Doctrine and Covenants 121 applies to anyone in a leadership role, not just those with a priesthood office. It seems to me extremely relevant advice for motherhood and fatherhood as well as priesthood leadership. So I noticed Elder Larry Y. Wilson thinking along those same lines:

The Doctrine and Covenants explains that the right to use the priesthood in the home or elsewhere is directly connected with righteousness in our lives: “The powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.” It goes on to say that we lose that power when we “exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of [others], in any degree of unrighteousness.”

This scripture says we must lead by “principles of righteousness.” Such principles apply to all leaders in the Church as well as to all fathers and mothers in their homes. We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit and to whatever authority we have from God when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. We may think such methods are for the good of the one being “controlled.” But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously. When setting firm limits for another person is in order, those limits should always be administered with loving patience and in a way that teaches eternal principles.

We simply cannot force others to do the right thing. The scriptures make it clear that this is not God’s way. Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent. Learning opportunities are lost when controlling persons pridefully assume they have all the right answers for others. The scriptures say that “it is the nature and disposition of almost all men” to engage in this “unrighteous dominion,” so we should be aware that it’s an easy trap to fall into. Women too may exercise unrighteous dominion, though the scriptures identify the problem especially with men.

I have always been a pretty firm "limit-setter" with my children, which is fine, I think, and worked well when they were young, but in the last ten years or so of parenthood, I have been learning to be more aware of the side of "unrighteous dominion" as well. It's so easy to almost bully little children into something. To scare them into obedience. I haven't meant to do that, but I have done it. But I see more and more how ineffective that is in actually changing their hearts, helping them learn to want to obey. So I am trying to find ways to take this advice:

Our children are in our homes for a limited time. If we wait until they walk out the door to turn over to them the reins of their moral agency, we have waited too long. They will not suddenly develop the ability to make wise decisions if they have never been free to make any important decisions while in our homes. Such children often either rebel against this compulsion or are crippled by an inability to make any decisions on their own.

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.

Elder Wilson tells the story of his daughter wanting to play a sports game on Sunday, and how he and his wife let her pray about it and make the wrong decision even though they knew it was wrong! And she learned from it! I'm not sure I would have had the courage to allow that as a young parent. But they didn't just agree to it on a whim—they as parents prayed about it and felt that they should let the daughter decide. I think I could be more vigilant at looking for opportunities like that for my children.

And then Elder Wilson shares this great quote from Elder Eyring:

If we are going to help those in our stewardships make the all-important link with heaven, we must be the kind of parent and leader described in Doctrine and Covenants, section 121. We must act “only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.” President Henry B. Eyring has said, “Of all the help we can give … young people, the greatest will be to let them feel our confidence that they are on the path home to God and that they can make it.”

Let them feel our confidence! I want to do that. But sometimes I actually don't have that confidence for them. I don't know if I should just fake it at that point? Or, probably better, pray to see them like God does, so I don't have to fake it. And if I have enough faith in His plan, I think it will get easier and easier to believe that my children are His children, and that He will make sure they receive the experiences they need to make it home to Him.

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Birthdays, pretty skies, and describing oneself "candywise"

We celebrated the December birthdays on the wrong days, as it seems we always must in December, even separating the Birthday Dinner from the Birthday Cake and the Birthday Presents in some cases. But we did celebrate them as best we could! I could hardly spare a moment to marvel about HOW squishy little Malachi grew from a sweet Gussish toddler to a smart, if skeptical, Malachi-ish ADULT. Nor to give in to the sadness that little Gussish Gus will someday be…someone else entirely; no one knows who!

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Relief Society is a way of life

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the April 2012 Conference.

You always know I'm going to like a Julie B. Beck talk! I thought this was an interesting statement to think about:

Relief Society is a way of life for Latter-day Saint women, and its influence extends far beyond a Sunday class or a social gathering. It follows the pattern of female disciples who served with the Lord Jesus Christ and His Apostles in His ancient Church.

Relief Society is a way of life for Latter-day Saint women. Is it? I tried to think if this is true for women I know. For my mom? Yes. I can't imagine her ever not ministering to a sick neighbor or giving rides to a widow who doesn't like to drive. She doesn't have to have an assignment, she just does it—instinctively, it seems to me. For my current ministering sisters? Yes. When they visit me, they exude "Relief Society" vibes—happy to help with anything, ready to step with relief in at a moment's notice. We aren't best friends (yet! give us a couple more years though…) but I have no doubt they would be there the minute I called in a crisis. For my friend Rozy? Yes. When she came by to visit, within half an hour she was reading to my children and letting them drag her around to see all their toys. So yes. I think for all these women, it's completely true that giving love, relief, and service to others has just become part of who they are.

When I think about myself, or other women my own age, I'm not as sure. I don't know if I give off such effortless "Relief Society" energy as do these other women I admire. I definitely aspire to have it be a way of life for me, and I'm willing, but I don't know if I've learned the habits of service as well as they have, and I don't think I give it as gracefully as they do! Maybe it becomes more engrained in you as the years pass, until by the end of your life it really is woven through your whole soul. However, I already have friends my own age who, though they don't seem the quintessential "Relief Society lady" of my imagination (maybe these imaginary ladies must always be older than me because I'll never feel like I'm one of the old and wise ones!), do seem to be constantly serving in the church, helping in their communities, finding ways to use their talents for good, and generally letting their lights shine wherever they go. They may not have settled quite into their mothers' roles. (I think most of us still look with awe at our mothers!) But they are already disciples of Christ.

And I guess that's the real pattern Sister Beck is talking about. We should always be growing and improving as disciples. Having Relief Society as a way of life means learning as a way of life, service as a a way of life, progress as a way of life. No matter where we are right now, our membership in Relief Society can help us become even more like Jesus—and to bless others along the way.

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Nutcracker 2025

Last year, as you may remember, we got home from Quebec just in time (literally…they raced in after intermission) for the girls to go watch their friends in the Nutcracker, but of course they didn't get to participate themselves. And Junie's teacher had told her Junie would have been Clara if we hadn't been in Quebec. So that was a little sad. But, now all the girls are beyond the "Clara" stage, they get to dance the harder Second Act roles…including, sometimes, with partners! And that has been very fun for them!

It was also weird this year because Nutcracker was after Christmas! The performance was at a new theater they haven't used before and somehow they couldn't get on the schedule early enough, or something. So it was weird to have rehearsals leading up to Christmas and then a break and then suddenly the performances on the 26th and 27th when we are usually getting to, finally, take a break from everything! I didn't like it. But I think it will be back to normal next year.

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