I guess I'm just at that dangerous place, having been a parent for 15+ years now, where I'm not really an expert on what works, but I know far too intimately what DOESN'T work and I have a weary, woeful sigh for the poor fools who think their "systems" are going to last more than a month or two.
But that's unfair. Because some things DO work, of course, and different things fill a need for different families…and most of all (and maybe I'm just barely becoming an experienced enough parent to realize this)—just because a "system" only works temporarily doesn't make it a failure or a waste of time!
That's a new thought, but it's been taking shape in my mind for awhile now. I used to see a changing system as a sort of "giving up:" I couldn't make that thing "stick" in our family life, so therefore I failed. One of the most obvious places I kept seeing this was in my personal scripture study. I used to read at night. Then I couldn't stay awake, so I changed to reading first thing in the morning. Then I had babies nursing all morning, so I changed to…forgetting to do it at all half the time. Then I started reading right after the kids left for school. Then we started homeschooling and I was back to trying to squeeze it in at random times. Then I tried to do it while nursing again, but that meant I couldn't write in my scripture journal anymore. So I tried to find time at night again. And so on, forever. And every time something stopped working, I felt this deep disappointment in myself for not being able to keep up such a basic, essential gospel habit!
It was so frustrating to me to find something that worked, and then life would change and it wouldn't work anymore!
But one day during a Relief Society lesson, something sparked this thought in my head: Changing strategies is itself a strategy.
I've been mulling it over ever since. And so here's the passage I noticed from Elder H. Burke Peterson's talk about preparedness:
Individual needs will vary as does the circumstance of each of us. Personal situations change as years go by. We should constantly appraise our needs and update our direction and emphasis. Our eternal progression, in large measure, is determined by our ability to evaluate and strengthen each area of weakness. What is the need of one may not necessarily be satisfied in the same way for another.The way he says that, it sounds like changing strategies is a good thing! And when I think about it: why not? Why should the same chore system that worked for preschoolers keep working for years and years until you have high school kids? (I mean, if it does—great! But why would I expect it to?) Why should our family home evening plan be able to work the same with three kids as with eight? Why should I read my scriptures at the same time and in the same way through my twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, and so on? It's not only that my life is changing, but I'm changing too! I need different things. I can handle different things. So why would I feel bad about changing my schedules, systems, and methods to match those changing circumstances?
I still view certain parenting or housekeeping fads with a leery eye, but I'm going to try to be less cynical about them, and to realize that in my own family, as in others, some flexibility and adaptation is a good thing. For my own sanity, I can't stand too-frequent changes, and of course if something is working well, I'll stick with it. But I'm also realizing it's okay to plan for change. It's okay to get excited about a new system and then potentially fizzle out a bit—as long as we keep re-trying, renewing, and re-committing to the things that matter most.
Other posts in this series:
- Relief Society Affects Every Facet of Our Lives by Jan Tolman
Oh I know the feeling! Rest assured that almost NO system for chores or rewards lasts very long. Children change rapidly! And as more children are added, the family dynamics change too. But change is good as it helps us focus on something, hopefully a weakness, in a different way and make progress in that area. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspective.
ReplyDeleteThat's funny that you bring this up when we JUST changed our chore system after 3+ years of our last system working great. Apparently, everything in my life has to change right now. *Sigh*
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to have this bit of personal revelation! Heavenly Father is cheering you along your journey!!
ReplyDeleteWe’ve talked about life seasons before. All transitions, even the daily and weekly ones are noble. Thank you for this inspired reminder.
ReplyDeleteThis was the key sentence for me "What is the need of one may not necessarily be satisfied in the same way for another." I think if we could fully grasp that there would be less judgment of self and others. Years ago we were discussing daily family prayer in RS and a young mother that was an RN and started her work day at 6 am said- What has been working for us is we have designated 7 a.m. as our time for family prayer. I'm not going to awaken my kids before I leave at 5:30 am so that we can kneel together so we all just pause at 7 a.m wherever we are and pray for our family and for each other. That was mind blowing for me. Just the uniqueness and creativity of it and how it did NOT fit into what we normally think is REQUIRED for family prayer to "count". I feel like If we quit trying to make each others plans fit in our very different lives we could much more easily find a unique plan that fits our personal and family circumstances and of course these will need to be updated and changed as our circumstances do the same. May we all figure out what works best for us and be inspired by the varieties of ways we work that out.
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