Lifting, bending, balancing

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the October 2013 Conference.

Elder Christoffersen's talk, The Moral Force of Women, was so good. I've been thinking about this quote from it (about a women he knew and admired):

Her ability to perform feats of lifting, bending, and balancing with her children was near superhuman. The demands on her were many and her tasks often repetitive and mundane, yet underneath it all was a beautiful serenity, a sense of being about God’s work.

I'm not sure exactly what he meant by "lifting, bending, and balancing," but I find a lot of symbolism in those words. I'm surprised how much all these things are required in motherhood while figuring out how to raise children to make a happy home. Lifting others out of discouragement, balancing justice and mercy, figuring out which rules need to be bent and which held fast. We have to try to bend our own preferences and even our hopes into a shape that fits our family. We have to try to balance one child's needs with another's capacities. We have to scramble for the higher ground so we can be the lifter of everything—the family mood, the family vision, the family culture. How can anyone find "serenity" while doing all those gymnastics? I guess it's only through remembering, as this woman did, that we are about God's work—and He will make it possible.

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Living day-to-day as a disciple

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2013 Conference.

This week I have been thinking and praying about something that troubles me from time to time. It's not that I think my current stage of motherhood is unimportant; I know what I do for my family is important, and I believe in it. But sometimes I just feel so aware of how many trivial and mundane things take up my attention. I start to worry that I’m just being pulled along from deadline to deadline, from task to task, never really feeling free of the mild stress of those things that have to be done, and never really rising to any higher purpose or seeing any higher vision. I worry that "the world is too much with me" and I'm going to somehow miss what God really wants me to be doing.

So I was grateful to read several conference talks which seemed to speak to those thoughts. For example, from Elder Christofferson:

The greatest service we can provide to others in this life, beginning with those of our own family, is to bring them to Christ through faith and repentance so they may experience His Redemption...Much of our redemptive work on earth is to help others grow and achieve their just hopes and aspirations.

And this from Elder Bruce D. Porter:

Trials may come, and we may not understand everything that happens to us or around us. But if we humbly, quietly trust in the Lord, He will give us strength and guidance in every challenge we face. When our only desire is to please Him, we will be blessed with a deep inner peace.

And this from Elder Erich W. Kopischke:

Too often we think that the word sacrifice refers to something big or hard for us to do. In certain situations this may be true, but mostly it refers to living day-to-day as a true disciple of Christ.

And 

Other ways to observe our covenants by sacrifice are as simple as accepting a calling in the Church and faithfully serving in that calling or following the invitation of our prophet, Thomas S. Monson, to reach out to those who are standing at the wayside and need to be spiritually rescued. We observe our covenants by sacrifice by giving silent service in our neighborhood or community or by finding the names of our ancestors and doing temple work for them. We observe our covenants by sacrifice by simply striving for righteousness, being open, and listening to the promptings of the Spirit as we live our daily lives. Sometimes observing our covenants means nothing more than standing firmly and faithfully when the storms of life are raging all around us.

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You will have the comfort of His love

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the April 2013 Conference.

This conference had so many words of encouragement that felt directed specifically toward mothers about their families. Here is a sampling. 

• God will give us power to nurture our families! 

The same priesthood power that created worlds, galaxies, and the universe can and should be part of our lives to succor, strengthen, and bless our families, our friends, and our neighbors—in other words, to do the things that the Savior would do if He were ministering among us today. (Elder Ballard)

• Following our covenants—just living those ordinary acts of obedience—will give great protection to our homes. 

Latter-day Saints recognize the transcendent importance of the family and strive to live in such a way that the adversary cannot steal into our homes. We find safety and security for ourselves and our children in honoring the covenants we have made and living up to the ordinary acts of obedience required of the followers of Christ. (Elder Packer)

• Motherhood is a great work, and Heavenly Father loves us for doing it!

Our daily contributions of nurturing, teaching, and caring for others may seem mundane, diminished, difficult, and demeaning at times, and yet as we remember that first line in the Young Women theme—“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us”—it will make all the difference in our relationships and our responses. (Sister Elaine S. Dalton)

• Serving those around us and keeping our own covenants is the best way to reach family members we are worried about. As we serve all of His children, God does miracles in the lives of our children.

Many of you have loved ones who are wandering off the path to eternal life. You wonder what more you can do to bring them back. You can depend on the Lord to draw closer to them as you serve Him in faith.…Your prayers and the prayers of those who exercise their faith will bring the Lord’s servants to help your family members. They will help them choose the way home to God, even as they are attacked by Satan and his followers, whose purpose it is to destroy families in this life and in eternity.…

My promise to you who pray and serve the Lord cannot be that you will have every blessing you may wish for yourself and your family. But I can promise you that the Savior will draw close to you and bless you and your family with what is best. You will have the comfort of His love and feel the answer of His drawing closer as you reach out your arms in giving service to others. …His arms are outstretched with yours to succor and bless the children of our Heavenly Father, including those in your family. (Elder Henry B. Eyring)

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To us this is a great evil

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the October 2012 Conference.

I liked so many of the talks in this session. Elder L. Tom Perry's about being goodly parents had lots of good advice. I liked Elder Ballard's talk about the honeybees and being anxiously engaged in good ( I never liked the fact that each bee only contributes 1/12 of a teaspoon of honey to the hive in its lifetime…seems discouraging…but I think I suddenly understood what he meant by sharing it this time). Elder Andersen's talk, Trial of Your Faith, was almost painful to read in parts, but also so so good. I perhaps should have written about that one.

But the one I can't stop thinking about was by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, our current prophet, called "Protect the Children." I usually don't like to write about things other people should do better, because that's not really the point of listening to Conference talks, is it? There is so much I need to do better that I have plenty to do just focusing on that. Nor do I like to wade into controversy in any form. Our current political scene has caused me to withdraw almost completely from consuming either news or opinion, so I am now peacefully oblivious to most of it. I have enough to keep me busy in my own little family, my own little ward, and feel no need, and even a firm imperative not to, venture into militance or "activism." (Others may feel other imperatives. That's fine.)

But with one topic I just can't feel peaceful about other perspectives. It is this:

From the perspective of the plan of salvation, one of the most serious abuses of children is to deny them birth. This is a worldwide trend. The national birthrate in the United States is the lowest in 25 years, and the birthrates in most European and Asian countries have been below replacement levels for many years. This is not just a religious issue. As rising generations diminish in numbers, cultures and even nations are hollowed out and eventually disappear.

One cause of the diminishing birthrate is the practice of abortion. Worldwide, there are estimated to be more than 40 million abortions per year. Many laws permit or even promote abortion, but to us this is a great evil.

It hurts my heart and my spirit to see so many women I like and otherwise admire excusing or even celebrating this "great evil." I can't comprehend how any mother can celebrate it. Yes, I understand there are rare situations where the choice of abortion is complicated, but to bring those up, triumphantly—as if they have any significance at all against the vast tide of very straighforward and obviously wrong choices—seems ignorant at best, downright evil at worst. I know too many articulate, smart, accomplished women, mothers, members of the church of Jesus Christ, who reflexively defend abortion. They choose pro-abortion books for book group. They vilify policies that seek to make it rarer. They speak of it to their children, their daughters, in a way that can't help but sow confusion about the purpose of families and the holiness of motherhood. They bring up false dichotomies and seem to delight in moral dilemmas rather than teaching clear doctrine and trusting God's prophets. It seems to be a blind spot for entire swaths of women—good women!—and I don't understand why, other than I guess that Satan is very good at what he does.

I read that there were an estimated 72-80 million abortions worldwide in 2025. Even at the lower figure, it is the leading cause of death in the world, and also in the USA specifically. The top ten other causes of death (cardiovascular disease, stroke, etc) cause about 39 million deaths per year worldwide. It is unfathomable. If I let myself think about it, about those unique unborn souls, those lost opportunities, I almost can't bear the weight of sorrow.

Maybe there's something I'm missing. Maybe there are more important things to think about. Maybe there is nothing to be done about it until the Savior comes again. I don't know the meaning of all things. But Elder Oaks surely knows God's will on this matter. And he says,

We can all remember our feelings when a little child cried out and reached up to us for help. A loving Heavenly Father gives us those feelings to impel us to help His children. Please recall those feelings as I speak about our responsibility to protect and act for the well-being of children.

I do feel those feelings so strongly. I can't ignore them. I feel toward those unborn babies as I feel toward my own babies—inexpressible love and yearning to help. I wish this issue weren't so tied up with politics, with ideology, with "progressive" thought, because it seems to have confused so many who are otherwise kind and compassionate people. And I hate to see young women, the next generation, served so poorly by their mothers who should guide them better. There is so much sorrow for them in adopting the thoughts of the world on birth control and abortion. So much joy and learning through motherhood, sacrifice, and families—joy Satan does not want them to have! Elder Oaks concludes his talk:

We are speaking of the children of God, and with His powerful help, we can do more to help them…I pray that we will humble ourselves as little children and reach out to protect our little children, for they are the future for us, for our Church, and for our nations.

I don't know what I can do, besides loving and teaching my own children, and trying to value life in every way I can. But Elder Oaks' prayer is my prayer too.

Other posts in this series:

Trial of Your Faith—by Rozy

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Let them feel our confidence

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2012 Conference.

I have thought for a long time that Doctrine and Covenants 121 applies to anyone in a leadership role, not just those with a priesthood office. It seems to me extremely relevant advice for motherhood and fatherhood as well as priesthood leadership. So I noticed Elder Larry Y. Wilson thinking along those same lines:

The Doctrine and Covenants explains that the right to use the priesthood in the home or elsewhere is directly connected with righteousness in our lives: “The powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.” It goes on to say that we lose that power when we “exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of [others], in any degree of unrighteousness.”

This scripture says we must lead by “principles of righteousness.” Such principles apply to all leaders in the Church as well as to all fathers and mothers in their homes. We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit and to whatever authority we have from God when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. We may think such methods are for the good of the one being “controlled.” But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously. When setting firm limits for another person is in order, those limits should always be administered with loving patience and in a way that teaches eternal principles.

We simply cannot force others to do the right thing. The scriptures make it clear that this is not God’s way. Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent. Learning opportunities are lost when controlling persons pridefully assume they have all the right answers for others. The scriptures say that “it is the nature and disposition of almost all men” to engage in this “unrighteous dominion,” so we should be aware that it’s an easy trap to fall into. Women too may exercise unrighteous dominion, though the scriptures identify the problem especially with men.

I have always been a pretty firm "limit-setter" with my children, which is fine, I think, and worked well when they were young, but in the last ten years or so of parenthood, I have been learning to be more aware of the side of "unrighteous dominion" as well. It's so easy to almost bully little children into something. To scare them into obedience. I haven't meant to do that, but I have done it. But I see more and more how ineffective that is in actually changing their hearts, helping them learn to want to obey. So I am trying to find ways to take this advice:

Our children are in our homes for a limited time. If we wait until they walk out the door to turn over to them the reins of their moral agency, we have waited too long. They will not suddenly develop the ability to make wise decisions if they have never been free to make any important decisions while in our homes. Such children often either rebel against this compulsion or are crippled by an inability to make any decisions on their own.

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.

Elder Wilson tells the story of his daughter wanting to play a sports game on Sunday, and how he and his wife let her pray about it and make the wrong decision even though they knew it was wrong! And she learned from it! I'm not sure I would have had the courage to allow that as a young parent. But they didn't just agree to it on a whim—they as parents prayed about it and felt that they should let the daughter decide. I think I could be more vigilant at looking for opportunities like that for my children.

And then Elder Wilson shares this great quote from Elder Eyring:

If we are going to help those in our stewardships make the all-important link with heaven, we must be the kind of parent and leader described in Doctrine and Covenants, section 121. We must act “only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.” President Henry B. Eyring has said, “Of all the help we can give … young people, the greatest will be to let them feel our confidence that they are on the path home to God and that they can make it.”

Let them feel our confidence! I want to do that. But sometimes I actually don't have that confidence for them. I don't know if I should just fake it at that point? Or, probably better, pray to see them like God does, so I don't have to fake it. And if I have enough faith in His plan, I think it will get easier and easier to believe that my children are His children, and that He will make sure they receive the experiences they need to make it home to Him.

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Deeply strenuous and very demanding

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2011 Conference.

It was so hard to choose what to write about for this session! I felt like so many of the talks were particularly hard-hitting and doctrinal. I know I've talked before about Bruce Hafen's three-stage model of growth (though I can't at the moment find any posts about it here??). I have found this to be so true and so helpful that it's become a permanent part of my worldview. I think about it all the time. Here is the gist of it:

Stage One of our model is the simplicity on this side of complexity, innocent and untested. Stage Two is complexity, the gap between the real and the ideal, where we struggle with conflicts and uncertainty. Stage Three is the simplicity beyond complexity, a settled and informed perspective that has been tempered and tested by time and experience.

I think I relate to it so much because I am so heavily in "Stage Two" of motherhood, I have to cling desperately to the belief that there will be a Stage Three! And all the quotes that speak to me most seem to either reinforce the fact that I need Stage Two in order to grow, or to give hope that Stage Three will come to help me make sense of everything I'm discouraged about now. So here is one of my favorite thinkers, Elder Lynn G. Robbins, about our need to struggle to become like God: 

A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?

I also loved this:

Our children are God’s children. That is their true identity and potential. His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. Disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity.

And this:

Or as a parent, when can I check a child off my list as done? We are never done being good parents. And to be good parents, one of the most important things we can teach our children is how to be more like the Savior. Christlike to be’s cannot be seen, but they are the motivating force behind what we do, which can be seen. When parents help a child learn to walk, for example, we see parents doing things like steadying and praising their child. These do’s reveal the unseen love in their hearts and the unseen faith and hope in their child’s potential. Day after day their efforts continue—evidence of the unseen be’s of patience and diligence.

Then dear Elder Holland gets right to the heart of what I'm feeling, the struggle and the hope:

Obviously as the path of discipleship ascends, that trail gets ever more narrow until we come to that knee-buckling pinnacle of the sermon of which Elder Christofferson just spoke: “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” What was gentle in the lowlands of initial loyalty becomes deeply strenuous and very demanding at the summit of true discipleship.

The hard thing about "Stage Two" is that even knowing it's Stage Two doesn't really help anything. The uncertainty, the thinking "Maybe this time it really won't work out, maybe this time there really is nothing better ahead—", the not being sure if this even IS Stage Two or just the Real Reality you always feared—all of those things feel real and are the very definition of Stage Two confusion. You know that if wise, experienced, faithful Elder Holland is talking about life being "deeply strenuous and very demanding," he isn't kidding. That's where discipleship is supposed to take us, and what it's supposed to be. The comforting part is that Heavenly Father planned for it, Jesus Christ walks the path with us, and the Holy Ghost can strengthen us to endure it. Our uncertainty and struggle isn't a sign of failure, but of progress. That makes my Stage Two feel (a little) easier, if I can just remember it!

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The very things that help us put on the divine nature

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the April 2011 Conference.

So many good talks this session. Elders Uchtdorf and Bednar both gave classics. But the talk I thought about most was by Elder Paul V. Johnson of the Seventy. He talked about the consecrating process of going through trials, and started off with that Orson F. Whitney quote I've always liked that says "“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” Then Elder Johnson says,

At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. And no one is exempt, especially not Saints striving to do what’s right.

That's actually kind of a hard saying. Trials that target our most vulnerable places? Burdens with which we seem least able to cope? Is that cruel of Heavenly Father? Of course I know it isn't. But it's definitely a pattern that requires us to trust Him. It goes right along with Elder Eyring's statement last week that God is "strengthening us to bear the weight of eternal life." I think about this all the time. Do I trust God, or don't I? My usual excuse is "I trust Him but I don't trust myself." But that's dumb. Trusting Him is also trusting Him to get me where I need to go. And how He's doing that is partly through these personal, laser-guided trials meant to strengthen my soul exactly where it needs strengthening!

I liked that Elder Johnson acknowledged this:

In the midst of problems, it is nearly impossible to see that the coming blessings far outweigh the pain, humiliation, or heartbreak we may be experiencing at the time.

Nearly impossible! True. But his implication is that we still have to try to see it. It's hard, but searching for the blessings is something we do for our own sakes—to give us hope and perspective. 

The Apostle Paul taught, “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” It is interesting that Paul uses the term “light affliction.” This comes from a person who was beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, imprisoned, and who experienced many other trials. I doubt many of us would label our afflictions light. Yet in comparison to the blessings and growth we ultimately receive, both in this life and in eternity, our afflictions truly are light.

Clearly Elder Johnson can read my mind: 

Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle. But growth cannot come by taking the easy way.…We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature.

As I was just writing about, I really DO resent those things too often. I get so frustrated with the parts of life that interrupt and disrupt all my lofty thoughts and good intentions! Of course I know that the mundane acts are important. It's important to discipline a child with love. It's important to create an environment of order and peace. It's important to shop for food to feed our family. It's important to make dinner and teach cooking skills to my "dinner helper."  But, as I was crying out to Heavenly Father in frustration today, those things only FEEL important when they go well! When they go badly—the discipline fails, the chaos conquers, the food disappoints, the dinner helper complains—these everyday acts feel like the worst ways to spend my time! They feel like a complete waste, in fact!

But that's me wanting growth without challenges and strength without struggle again. And it's not possible. And I need to broaden my vision and see that God is working through those very things to help me "put on the divine nature."

I had to laugh at Elder Johnson's closing paragraph:

Someday when we get to the other side of the veil, we want more than for someone just to tell us, “Well, you’re done.” Instead, we want the Lord to say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

Honestly, some days I think I'd happily settle for "Well, you're done." But…not really. I do want to cooperate in God's transformation of my soul. I do want to become someone He can be proud of.

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Your testimony will never leave your children

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2010 Conference.

It seemed like every talk in this session was urging parents to just keep teaching their children about Jesus! Not an unusual topic, of course, but notable for its frequency here. I'll just pull out a few of my favorite quotes. Elder Hales said:

It is our imperative duty to help youth understand and believe the gospel in a deeply personal way. We can teach them to walk in the light, but that light cannot be borrowed. They must earn it for themselves. They must obtain their own light of testimony directly from the source of spiritual light—God Himself—through prayer and study and pondering. They must understand who they are and who Heavenly Father wants them to become. How do we help them?

When we have a family home evening, a family council, or a meaningful gospel conversation with our children, we have the opportunity to look into their eyes and tell them that we love them and that Heavenly Father loves them. In these sacred settings, we can also help them understand, deep in their hearts, who they are and how fortunate they are to have come to this earth and to our home and to participate in the covenants we have taken in the temple to be a family forever. In every interaction we share, we demonstrate the principles and blessings of the gospel.…

And I loved this too, from later in his talk:

The greatest rescue, the greatest activation will be in our homes. If someone in your family is wandering in strange paths, you are a rescuer, engaged in the greatest rescue effort the Church has ever known. I testify from personal experience: There is no failure except in giving up. It is never too early or too late to begin. Do not worry about what has happened in the past. Pick up the phone. Write a note. Make a visit. Extend the invitation to come home. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed. Your child is Heavenly Father’s child. You are about His work. He has promised to gather His children, and He is with you.

Elder Bradley D. Foster on the same theme:

With the help of priesthood leaders, parents must continue to go back and find their lost ones, assuring them there will always be a “home” within the family and the Church, waiting for their return. We never know when a heart may be turned. We never know when a soul may be weary and worn out by the world. When that happens, it seems our children almost always turn first toward Mother.

And Elder Neil L. Andersen too:

Although there may be times when a child does not listen with a believing heart, your testimony of Jesus will remain in his or her mind and soul.

He also said my favorite thing of all:

If a child is not listening, don’t despair. Time and truth are on your side. At the right moment, your words will return as if from heaven itself. Your testimony will never leave your children.

As you reverently speak about the Savior—in the car, on the bus, at the dinner table, as you kneel in prayer, during scripture study, or in late-night conversations—the Spirit of the Lord will accompany your words.

As you do your best, the testimony of Jesus will gently distill upon your children’s hearts.

Oh, I hope so. I hope so. I want to memorize every word of that and say it to myself every day! It is very difficult to believe sometimes, with much seeming evidence to the contrary. There’s always more I can do and could have done to teach my kids, and knowing that unfortunately makes me less likely to believe and find hope from words like this. However, I am consciously going to try and cling to them, reassuring myself over and over if I need to. "Doing my best" of course includes an ongoing effort to do better…but it also means God makes up for my shortcomings, and is able to do His work in spite of whatever mistakes I make! That truth is worth clinging to!

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Bathed in help even during turbulent times

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the April 2010 Conference. 

We started a new decade of General Conference sessions! This is the last full decade we have left and then we'll start on the 2020's! 

There were so many good talks in this session, and each of them seemed to have some pertinent advice for my challenges right now. I particularly liked Sister Julie B. Beck's talk “And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit.” It reminded me of something else I read lately by one of my favorite Catholic writers and mothers, Leila Lawler. She was writing about the concept, much fretted over in some circles these days, of the disproportionate "mental load" women supposedly bear:

The woman of the house indeed has a lot on her mind, because her mind encompasses every facet of life instead of one circumscribed slice of it. She cares for her home, the bodies in it, the neighborhood outside it. She is building the one place upon which it all depends.

Casting this effort as an intolerable burden on her, emphasizing that she is not paid for it, and inciting in her a chafing rebellion against it, undermines her value.

Frankly, the voices of “mental load” amplify narcissism, seeking to convince the wife that she is the only one who is thinking about anything! It is a psy-op, a disruptive tactic.

At the same time, they insidiously cast doubt on her strength for the task. How belittling!

It’s the spirit of contempt, not of cooperation; it creates an atmosphere of conflict, not of collaboration. It hits at the heart of the marital bond of complementary love.

Because after all, everyone has a lot on his mind, not only the mother. The husband relies on his wife to juggle certain — most — details because he is quietly, often stoically, handling others. The children require a world of stability, maintained by a loving heart, so they can be free for the adventure of learning, well, everything.

Making life good for these loved ones is precisely the wonderful and completely voluntary path we housewives undertook when we said “I do.” That it entails work should not come as a surprise.…

Why would we complain about keeping common sense in the world? Get a calendar, write things on the blackboard, organize some of your things, smile as you remind about picking up milk.

Your job is a great one — don’t listen to the serpents who wish to disturb your garden.

I love that reminder not to dwell on "unfairness" and whether or not we should "have to" bear the burdens of wifehood and motherhood. Does focusing on that make anyone happier? Does it lead to clearer vision or greater gratitude? And here is Sister Beck saying essentially the same thing, fifteen years ago:

A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important. A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence. But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently.

Then she gives such an inspiring vision of how personal revelation can help the busy woman "bear up her burdens with ease":

Revelation can come hour by hour and moment by moment as we do the right things. When women nurture as Christ nurtured, a power and peace can descend to guide when help is needed. For instance, mothers can feel help from the Spirit even when tired, noisy children are clamoring for attention, but they can be distanced from the Spirit if they lose their temper with children. Being in the right places allows us to receive guidance. It requires a conscious effort to diminish distractions, but having the spirit of revelation makes it possible to prevail over opposition and persist in faith through difficult days and essential routine tasks. Personal revelation gives us the understanding of what to do every day to increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek those who need our help. Because personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times.

I loved the implicit trust she shows in our ability to grow up, leave selfishness behind, and truly be women of God:

Entrance into Relief Society signifies that a woman can be trusted and relied upon to make a significant contribution in the Church. She continues to progress as an individual without receiving much outward credit or praise.

She references the Eliza R. Snow quote I've written about before:

Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.

and then Sister Beck elaborates:

We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the Spirit. When we have done our very best, we may still experience disappointments, but we will not be disappointed in ourselves. We can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when we feel the Spirit working through us. Peace, joy, and hope are available to those who measure success properly.

I love that so much. It makes me want to straighten my shoulders and refuse to be enticed by the temptation to complain and feel sorry for myself! Why should I? I have the greatest calling in the world, and the means to fulfill it, through the grace of Jesus Christ and the power of God through covenants. If that doesn't bring me "peace, joy, and hope," what will?

Other posts in this series:

Built upon a rock—by Roy

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Mold it into something of beauty

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Relief Society Session of the October 2008 Conference. 

"Happiness, Your Heritage." I remember this talk well from when I first heard it. I thought it was so interesting that Elder Uchtdorf picked out these two specific traits of God—creation and compassion—to highlight and suggest we emulate. This time, I thought it was interesting to think about the tension inherent in this gift of creation:

Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I don't know that I truly identify as a "creative person," but in this context, in wanting to take "unorganized matter" and make it more beautiful, I have felt (and still do feel) this desire. A large part of my enjoyment of motherhood has come in trying to create a home and a family life full of beauty. Where the tension comes in is that I'm gradually realizing how few things I really do have the power to "mold." I used to be so optimistic (idealistic? naive, maybe?) about getting my kids to "turn out" this or that specific way. And of course I should believe, need to believe, that I can influence my children—what would be the point of motherhood otherwise? But the cause-and-effect relationship—of what I want my children to do, and try to teach them to do, and what they actually do—is, to my sometime discouragement, not very strong. It's not that I'm unhappy with who my children are. I actually love seeing some of the surprising and unexpected ways their own personalities come into being. But there is much less "molding like clay" to raising children than I perhaps anticipated at first.

Elder Uchtdorf mentioned this in another talk, in fact—the idea that we as parents can nurture and provide environments for growth, but the growth and progression of another person is not within our control. I think when I first envisioned taking the "unorganized matter" of my home and children and molding it into "something of beauty," I had in mind that I'd have more control over the final result. That indeed would have brought "deep satisfaction and fulfillment"!

But now I'm realizing that I have to find fulfillment in the process of simply creating, as best I can, an environment of beauty and love. Not in the final result. Not in the choices of others. But in the process and joy of serving and bringing good, whatever good I can, into the world. In the work and effort of nurture and development. And I have to trust Jesus Christ and His power to ultimately "give the increase," in His own time and His own way.

Other posts in this series:

Julie B. Beck—Revisiting Goals—by Jan

Fulfilling the Purpose of Relief Society—by Rozy

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Joy comes in moments

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Afternoon Session of the April 2008 Conference. 

Elder Ballard gave the sweetest talk in this session! I remember him becoming softer and sweeter after his wife died in 2018, but I guess he was sweet all along and I just didn't know it! In my memory, he was stern and intimidating all the time, but now that I re-read them, his talks really aren't like that at all. Yet another thing I got wrong as a young person.

This talk is called "Daughters of God" and you can really sense how much Elder Ballard loves and admires the women in his life. He mentions using hand puppets to entertain his kids in sacrament meeting. And he shows genuine understanding for all kinds of situations women face:

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.

He also says this about the demands of motherhood:

Through my own four-generation experience in our family, and through discussions with mothers of young children throughout the Church, I know something of a mother’s emotions that accompany her commitment to be at home with young children. There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. Sometimes even husbands seem to have no idea of the demands upon their wives.

You should read the talk yourself, because he gives some beautiful (and very wise, I think) advice to husbands about supporting their wives, and even talks sweetly to the children saying "pick up your toys, thank your mother for meals," and so on. But my favorite advice he gives is to young mothers, and it is very simple:

Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.

I think I am not a "young mother" anymore, which is strange, because I still have young children and I don't feel like I've mastered motherhood sufficiently to be considered a "non-young mother." Ha. But maybe that is why I can now see the profoundness and the truth in the statement "the joy of motherhood comes in moments." I was thinking about it in the first decade of parenting, but I think it has only become more meaningful to me in the second decade, as I've seen both how fleeting and how anchoring family life can be. As a "young mother," maybe I would have heard that statement and said "Joy in moments? I don't want just moments! I want joy always! What's the point of all this work if all I get is moments?" But now I think I get it. Moments are the form in which joy comes. Those moments aren't lessened by their brevity; in fact, they are deepened by it. And because the "shining moments" are glimpses of a better and truer world, they can come even during times of the most painful and exhausting "mortalness." They can't replace those hard things. They come in and through those hard things. They help you endure the hard things with your gaze on what life is really about.

Maybe this is true to some extent for everyone, but I can testify it is especially true for mothers. I don't know if I could have grasped it earlier than I did—perhaps you can't really feel it until you've lived it for a while. But it's interesting how different certain tasks of mothering feel to me now—now that I can see an end to them. This semester I've been taking the little kids on "field trips" while the bigger kids are at rehearsal for their Choir. I've often had to do that; entertain the young ones while taking the older ones somewhere. It used to feel so pointless and exhausting. Sitting in the car or at the library trying to keep them entertained, the baby screaming in a carseat or on my lap nursing, the toddlers constantly needing to find a bathroom, the preschoolers being noisy or fighting or asking me for help with everything, and all I wanted was to read my own book for a second or be able to string two thoughts together! I haven't forgotten how hard it was, and I don't minimize how hard it was! (And of course I don't have babies now, and that makes these times much simpler.) But though I'm still busy, I just don't feel those resentful or exasperated or panicked feelings as much now. I don't constantly feel like I should be doing something else. I am more peaceful about just watching the kids, talking with them, sitting there and experiencing those moments with them. I know they won't last forever. And I can feel and believe they won't last forever and it actually makes me so sad! I've learned to more easily recognize the beauty in those small, ordinary, boring, even frustrating little moments where my children truly want or need my presence. I'm still not always as patient in them as I should be! But I now know, deep down, that these moments really are the building-blocks of joy.

Other posts in this series:

Giving and Becoming—by Rozy

Power to Overcome—by Jan

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To express my deepest identity as a woman

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Sunday Morning Session of the April 2008 Conference. 

I loved this part from Sister Susan W. Tanner's talk:

I take great delight in my role as a nurturer, which allows me to express my deepest identity as a woman. I never fail to be struck by the way that women, young women, and even little girls seem to have an instinctive interest and ability in nurturing. It is not only a mother’s primary responsibility but also part of our “individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” To nurture is to teach, to foster development, to promote growth, to feed, and to nourish. Who would not shout for joy at being given such a blessed role?

In today's world there is a lot of confusion about what "identity as a woman" even means. It seems so shortsighted to me when people in the trans movement reduce womanhood to "liking pink" or "wearing high heels." But equally ridiculous when women limit their own capabilities by saying things like "I'm not really the nurturing type." Of course women have many and varied talents! Of course all of us also have areas in which we need growth! But we also can count on the fact that as women, we all have the potential to be like Heavenly Mother, the ultimate nurturer! 

So I like the truth expressed in the order of Sister Tanner's statement here—our deepest identity as women is expressed through nurturing. So the identity is who we are or can be—strong, capable, smart, perceptive, powerful daughters of God. And how we express those traits is by caring for and loving those around us! In other words, as women we use our strength, intelligence, abilities, perceptions, and power to serve and nurture others. And it doesn't matter if we feel like we're "good at" doing it; of course none of us are that good at it without practice. We learn it by doing it; we develop all of those traits as we do it. Nurturing is the process by which we grow into the kind of woman our Heavenly Mother is! 

It reminds me of what people sometimes say to me when they learn I have ten children (or when they learn that I homeschool them). They say: "Oh, you must be so patient." Or "Oh, you are a saint." It's so funny to me because it is SO untrue. My ten children make absolutely sure that I will never feel patient (as I sometimes assumed I really was before becoming a mother!). Homeschooling shows me in great and painful detail all the ways I am NOT a saint. But…the one true part is that I do think that these roles as mother and teacher are shaping me and letting me practice patience in ways I wouldn't necessarily do otherwise. I am able to "express my identity" (or more accurately develop my identity) as a patient person by stepping into roles that demand a patient person. Maybe eventually I'll really get there.

And that is what being a woman really is, I think. It is willingly assuming the role of nurturer to nourish and serve those within our stewardship, and it is rejoicing in the growth that comes as we do so. I agree with Sister Tanner: "Who would not shout for joy at being given such a blessed role?"

Other posts in this series:

True Religion—by Rozy

Modern-day Prophets—by Jan

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The weak things of the world

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Morning Session of the April 2008 Conference.

It was weird reading the talks from this April 2008 Conference just a week after the October 2007 talks! That conference ended with President Hinckley saying "We look forward to seeing you again next April. I’m 97, but I hope I’m going to make it." But then he didn't make it! This conference session was a solemn assembly sustaining President Monson as the new President of the Church.

I've been reading my mother-in-law's journals from when she was a young mom (she gave them to us for Christmas this year) and just loving them so much. It is fascinating to get a glimpse into what those years of motherhood felt like to her, and I relate so much to both her struggles and her joys. It has made me feel so thoughtful about how fast time goes, the different stages of life, how to measure progress, and a million other things. And one of the main things I have felt as I've read the journals is just a love for who Sam's mom was back then and who she was trying to be! (I love her now too. But it's been fun to get to know her past self!) She was often so tired and discouraged, so sure she wasn't doing anything important, or failing at what she was doing! I just want to take her by the shoulders and say "Stop that! You were amazing! Look at all the good you accomplished! Look at all the people you blessed! Heavenly Father must have loved you and appreciated your efforts so much!" And it's made me want to see my own efforts and failures with a little more perspective as well!

Anyway, having all that on my mind, I really liked this part of Elder Wirthlin's talk:

Everyone has felt tired and weary at one time or another. I seem to feel more so now than I did when I was younger. Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, even Jesus Christ knew what it meant to be tired. I do not wish to underestimate the weight that members of the Church bear upon their shoulders, nor do I minimize the emotional and spiritual trials they face. These can be heavy and often difficult to bear.

I do, however, have a testimony of the renewing power of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The prophet Isaiah proclaimed that the Lord “giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.”

For you members of the Church who hold back because of feelings of inadequacy, I plead with you to step forward, put your shoulder to the wheel, and push. Even when you feel that your strength can add little, the Church needs you. The Lord needs you. Remember that the Lord often chooses “the weak things of the world” to accomplish His purposes.

To all who are weary, let the comforting words of the Savior console you: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Let us rely on that promise. The power of God can infuse our spirits and bodies with energy and vigor. I urge you to seek this blessing from the Lord.

I think that's such hopeful counsel and such needed advice. My mother-in-law was so sure she was inadequate, but she was laying the foundation of a great work, and having so many experiences she needed for her own growth! It was hard to see at the time, but looking back it's so obvious! She gave her all to the Lord, and was renewed and strengthened by Him. She may not have felt that "energy and vigor" all the time, but the Lord used her efforts to accomplish such beautiful things! I need to remember that He can use my efforts in the same way.

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We are not afraid of work

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Relief Society Session of the October 2007 Conference.

This post will be published on Christmas Eve, and during this season with so many family gatherings and  adult kids home for the holiday, I've been thinking a lot about the gift of families. I am constantly in awe of the wisdom of God's plan. My family brings so much happiness, so much fullness into my life. At the same time I am so constantly challenged and stretched by trying to love and understand such a multitude of personalities, opinions, talents, and needs! Somehow Heavenly Father designed our families to be simultaneously our work, and our reward for the work. They provide the challenging "clinical material" we need in order to learn patience and sacrifice…but they are also (in the ideal, anyway) a shelter of love and comfort to us when we most need relief. It's just such a surprising, but effective, system! With these thoughts in my head at Christmastime, I loved this Relief Society session focusing on families and women's role within them.

Sister Beck's talk was especially good! I love every word that comes out of that woman's mouth. I didn't know I liked her so much when I heard these talks for the first time; it's only on the re-reading that I've been so impressed. Maybe I just wasn't in the right stage of life for her wisdom before! She says:

Knowing and defending the divine roles of women is so important in a world where women are bombarded with false messages about their identity. Popular media figures on the radio and television set themselves up as authorities and spokespersons for women. While these media messages may contain elements of truth, most preach a gospel of individual fulfillment and self-worship, often misleading women regarding their true identity and worth. These voices offer a counterfeit happiness, and as a result, many women are miserable, lonely, and confused.

The only place Latter-day Saint women will learn the whole and complete truth about their indispensable role in the plan of happiness is in this Church and its doctrine. We know that in the great premortal conflict we sided with our Savior, Jesus Christ, to preserve our potential to belong to eternal families. We know we are daughters of God, and we know what we are to do. Women find true happiness when they understand and delight in their unique role within the plan of salvation. The things women can and should do very best are championed and taught without apology here.

This resonated with me so much. Motherhood (and marriage too, really) brings so much opportunity for self-doubt and discouragement as it seems perfectly designed to reveal your own shortcomings one after another! So it brings me so much comfort and peace knowing that I am supposed to fill these roles, I am designed to fill these roles, and their difficulty is not because I'm not suited for them, but because they're meant to stretch me and make me grow! I don't know how I could possibly face my own inadequacies if I didn't know that women are meant precisely for this—and thus I am meant to love and nurture—it is my heritage from Heavenly Mother! I find so much strength in knowing that as I continue working at these divine roles, they will bring me ultimate happiness! I think without this knowledge, I would certainly give up the fight!

Sister Beck continues:

We believe in the formation of eternal families. That means we believe in getting married. We know that the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. That means we believe in having children. We have faith that with the Lord’s help we can be successful in rearing and teaching children. These are vital responsibilities in the plan of happiness, and when women embrace those roles with all their hearts, they are happy! Knowing and defending the truth about families is the privilege of every sister in this Church.…

Families mean work, but they are our great work—and we are not afraid of work.

A friend of mine said that phrase to me once: "It will be a lot of work, but I'm not afraid of work." It has stuck with me ever since, and I've tried to make it true for me. I think it's mostly true for me. I am often afraid of the unknown, of disappointment, of falling short, all those things—but even if I may dread the work ahead and be daunted by the prospect of it, once I start doing it I can usually just buckle down and do it. I feel connected to my heritage, my grandmothers and great-grandmothers, when I work to bless my family. And I'm so glad to have that heritage, giving me the counterintuitive knowledge that such work, serving others, will bring great happiness to the person doing it! It's so hard to believe it when I'm feeling sorry for myself and overwhelmed and put-upon, but it's true and I've felt it! Sister Beck says that outright here:

Each of you has your own burdens and challenges, which give you the blessing of turning to the Lord for help. We also have the opportunity to assist the Lord by providing relief for others, which is the greatest, fastest solution to loneliness and hopelessness and a sure way to obtain the companionship of the Spirit.

I also loved this great line:

You will receive the help of the Holy Spirit as you focus on essentials and will be given the courage to forego the frivolous.

The "courage to forego the frivolous," to be unafraid of work, and to know exactly what her role is in God's plan! What more could a woman ask for? This gospel has everything we need to bring us the greatest fulfillment and happiness. I'm so grateful for it!

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Not to be seen of others

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Young Women's Session of the April 2006 Conference.

I miss having age- and gender-specific General Conference sessions! Not that we can't all benefit from all the talks, of course. I love re-reading the ones from Priesthood Sessions as well as Women's Sessions. But sometimes there is specific counsel that seem like it has more power being given to a specific group of people. Like in this session. I liked all these talks for their applicability to me, but I especially thought, "I wish my girls could hear this said to them." Now who will tell them? Me, I guess.

Sister Tanner's topic was how each of us can share Christ's light in small ways. Specifically, she focuses on how women and girls can have such an influence on their homes and families. Now, I know, of course so can men and boys! But hearing it said like "this is one of your divine gifts, a woman's special gift" makes it seem so personal. I feel like without this vision, I would have been so much less happy as a mother! Because this is really true:

In these preparatory years, you young women spend much of your time in schools or jobs where you receive accolades, honors, awards, ribbons, or trophies. When you move from that stage to young motherhood, there is a dramatic drop-off in outside commendation. Yet in no other capacity is there more opportunity to serve selflessly as Christ would do by taking care of hundreds of daily physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You will bring the light of the gospel into your homes—not to be seen of others, but to build others—men and women of strength and light.

It really is such a strange transition when you move from single life into motherhood (and even married life in general). It's wonderful. But it's disorienting when you realize how much of your days and your years are going to go unnoticed and even looked-down-upon by the world in general. It is so much easier to be happy in that life if you have practiced living those principles as a young woman! Sister Tanner says,

You young women are preparing now to strengthen your future homes and families by bringing the light of the gospel into your current homes and families. Small, seemingly insignificant things you do can make a big difference.…You can [do this by] tending a baby brother, eating lunch with a sister in the school cafeteria, doing household tasks, resisting the urge to quarrel, rejoicing in each other’s successes, sharing a treat, giving care when someone is sick, placing on a pillow at night a thank-you note to a parent, forgiving an offense, bearing our testimonies.…

As you share your light, others will find greater light too. Is there anyone who needs your light as much as your families?

It's so true. My daughters make such a difference in our home by being helpful, cheerful, obedient, and kind. When they are grumpy or impatient, all of us feel the difference. Again, that is true with every member of a family, but I think young women need to hear that they, specifically, can add so much goodness to the spirit of a home. They, as young women, can learn unselfish service and Christlike care for others, so that they're prepared to live those things in their own homes and teach them to their own daughters!

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A sacred privilege

This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Saturday Afternoon Session of the October 2005 Conference. 

Elder Ballard gave a great talk about families in this conference session. He gave this warning about destructive attitudes of the day, and this has only gotten worse in the years since:

Rampant materialism and selfishness delude many into thinking that families, and especially children, are a burden and a financial millstone that will hold them back rather than a sacred privilege that will teach them to become more like God.

A friend and I were talking the other day about the blessings that come with having a large family, and laughing a little about how hard those blessings are to describe to young people just starting out. Even as you speak them you can hear how weak and pathetic they must sound to someone who doesn't see what you see. "Well…yes…it's true you likely won't be able to do a lot of travel or trips to Disneyland. Or pay for all your children's college tuition. Or have very nice cars…or very nice anything. And it's true you will often be scrambling to find even a tiny bit of time for your own spiritual development…and you'll wish for more hours in the day…and you'll feel overwhelmed much of the time…and you'll be constantly tired." 

Most young couples' eyes glaze over and you've lost them by that point! And who knows if they even comprehend what you want to say next: "But…but…if I could just make you understand—it's worth it. Every single sacrifice—everything you can't do, everything you have to do and wish you didn't, everything you look wistfully at other people doing—it's all swallowed up and brought to insignificance by the joys and growth and fullness you do receive!"

It is discouraging, because I wonder how such knowledge can possibly be passed on in a culture where the values and expectations depart so wildly from God's values! Yet through experience, little by little, somehow we can come to gain a testimony of these counterintuitive truths. Elder Ballard says:

And yet most parents throughout the world continue to know both the importance and the joy that are attached to natural families.

Yes. We learn it as we go. And we can also learn it by having faith in prophets who tell it to us. Elder Ballard quotes Joseph F. Smith saying:

“There can be no genuine happiness separate and apart from the home, and every effort made to sanctify and preserve its influence is uplifting to those who toil and sacrifice for its establishment. Men and women often seek to substitute some other life for that of the home; they would make themselves believe that the home means restraint; that the highest liberty is the fullest opportunity to move about at will. There is no happiness without service, and there is no service greater than that which converts the home into a divine institution, and which promotes and preserves family life.”

I have gained, and am still gaining, a testimony of this principle: no happiness without service, and no service greater than in the home. It's not self-evident. But it's true. And this "sacred privilege" which God has given us, of being tied to others in family relationships, will truly be our best chance to become like Him.

Other posts in this series:

Start early and be steady—by Rozy

1

Home to Mother and Father

I had a lovely Mother's Day yesterday (I say this in all seriousness) where we couldn't find Clementine's Sunday shoes—her only shoes—and ran harriedly all over the house and yard looking for them until we finally put Gus's two-sizes-too-big BB-8-8 tennis shoes on her and were late to church anyway—and Ziggy wore his new Sunday pants decorated thus in permanent marker:

I admit to feeling annoyed and flustered as we sat down for sacrament meeting, barely in time for Malachi to go up and give the opening prayer, but in his prayer he expressed gratitude for our Heavenly Mother, and it immediately brought me back to a sense of awe and gratitude for this role of mother I get to play in our family.

I had talked about Heavenly Mother for our home church lesson during breakfast, telling the children how much I love the doctrine of Heavenly Parents and how grateful I am to know that "I've a mother there." And after Malachi's prayer, I sat in church reflecting on the things I have come to feel certain are some of Heavenly Mother's gifts to Her children: first, the peace and stillness that comes over me sometimes when I am completely exhausted and spent and pleading for help, the peace that feels like an echo of my earliest memories of being safe and nourished and comforted in my mother's arms. And second, the "longing for home" that seems to be within all God's children—knowing the role Heavenly Mother must have played in creating a heavenly home worth longing for and returning to.

I gave a talk in church a few weeks ago where I explored some thoughts about this longing for home, and I guess I'll put it here because it connects with so many of the things I believe and wish I could share about the sacredness of a woman's role as nurturer and homemaker. It's more than just cultural tradition, it's more than "patriarchy"—it's the most profound blessing and responsibility I can think of: to take on the role of creator and nurturer in an earthly home that reaches toward heaven, so as to to point those I love in the direction of our Father and Mother's home.

*************

I’m going to start with two stories about gifts.

1. When our son Ziggy was four years old, he was really into power tools and pretending to be a worker. So for Christmas, we got him a real leaf blower and a toy chainsaw. His older brother Teddy was six, and he knew the leaf blower was real, so when Zig opened up the chainsaw Teddy got just the most dubious look on his face. You could tell he wanted to say something more, but he just said in a skeptical tone, “Wellllll…okay…I guess we’ll just teach him how to use it…?”

Teddy thought this gift was a really bad idea, mostly because he didn’t understand what it really was.

2: One of my happiest memories is a warm Fall day in October a few years ago. We loaded up our family in the van and drove out to the geode beds near Dugway. It’s a long drive over bumpy dirt roads, but it is beautiful. I love the wild desert scenery, the sagebrush was covered with yellow flowers, and we saw herds of wild horses. When we got to the geode beds there were crystal fragments all over the ground, and those were fun to find, but after we had been out for an hour or two, Sam and the boys were digging with big shovels, and they started to hit a layer of geodes underground. They were calling out every few minutes “Look at this! Come look what we found!” and pulling out round rocks one after another. All the kids were laughing and yelling and running back and forth with such excitement. There was one huge rock they found that was so big, they thought it couldn’t possibly be a geode, so they tapped it with the rock hammer to see if it would open, and it broke in half to reveal huge beautiful quartz crystals with that pointy hexagonal shape like you see in geology books. We couldn’t stop marveling at it. I was sitting with the little kids, who were so cute playing and falling down in the dirt and crawling into holes, and I hadn’t seen Sebastian and Abe smile so much for months. Our little picnic we’d brought tasted so good, and I looked around at my family and I just felt completely happy.

I’ve thought about that day lots of times because it felt like such a gift from God. But I was also thinking about what would happen if I could wrap up that day exactly as it was, and plop it down on the lap of myself at age twenty. I might say, “I have the most wonderful gift for you. You get to drive in your huge 12-passenger van for three hours on a dirt road with eight kids age sixteen and under, and they’ll be loud, and they’ll fight with each other about who gets to use the markers. And later you’ll see that they’ve drawn all over the seats with the markers. You’ll be seven months pregnant with your ninth baby, so you’ll feel every bump and jolt of the road. And every ten minutes your older kids will be yelling at the younger ones to be quiet so they can sleep. You’ll have made a picnic out of hard-boiled eggs and crackers and cheese and water, which is pretty much the best picnic food you can afford. You’ll have a little training toilet sitting in the car, full, because your two-year-old can’t be trusted to go more than an hour without using it. When you arrive, instead of looking for geodes, you’ll sit in the dirt watching everyone else dig for them, because someone has to keep the little kids from wandering off and falling in a pit. And congratulations, this is going to be one of the happiest days of your life.”

I think if I someone had given me that gift at age twenty, I might have run away screaming in terror. I definitely would not have felt pure gratitude for it. And yet years later, with my eyes opened by my experiences up to that point, this day legitimately felt like and still feels one of Heavenly Father’s most precious gifts to me. I would love to live that day again.

In Doctrine and Covenants 88:33, the Lord asks, “For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift.”

What does it mean to receive—or receive not—a gift?

The Savior told a parable about an unreceived gift. We all know it: a certain man had two sons. The younger son rejected his father and wasted his inheritance on riotous living. After he came to himself, he went home in shame, but to his surprise his Father was waiting and ran to meet him. The father killed the fatted calf and celebrated his younger son coming home, while the older son waited resentfully outside, refusing to join in the celebration. The father spoke to him and explained that he loved both sons, and invited the older son to join them in the house. That’s where the parable ends.

But what if it didn’t end there? In a talk given at BYU, a professor named Earl Stice imagines what happens next. He says,

This is a “happily ever after” conclusion if I have ever heard one—the prodigal is back, the elder brother has been gently shown the error of his ways, and the father has his two sons. But let’s continue with the scene. That night, after the fatted-calf leftovers have been put away in the refrigerator, everyone falls into a peaceful sleep. They arise the next morning. Is there anything left to be done? …The prodigal himself has made great strides by humbling himself and returning to the house of his father, but a huge amount of follow-through remains to be done. The prodigal has to settle down, show some responsibility, and work long and hard in those fields by the side of his elder brother. The elder brother has been taught an important lesson by his father, but resentment doesn’t disappear overnight. Forever after, when there isn’t sufficient money to hire enough laborers or to buy new tools, he must stop his mind from thinking back on the family savings bundled up, hauled off, and wasted by his younger brother. As he makes himself serve his younger brother, day by day he will see toleration of his brother grow into appreciation into friendship into love… 

The return of the prodigal son is just the beginning, not the end.

As I think about the next steps for this family, I can’t help thinking about the father’s words to his older son: “Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.” The gift both sons have been given is almost incomprehensible: to live and work and remain with the father, and to have what the father has. But which son really understands what it means to live in his father’s house? At this point, neither of them. The younger boy is repentant. But his habits are bad, his instincts are bad, his track record is bad. He literally doesn’t know what is good for him. I’m sure he appreciated the feast, but does he appreciate the other things the father has—diligence, patience, steadiness? He has a lot of changing to do before he can receive his father’s gifts. And the older brother, faithful and steady as he’s been, doesn’t really get it either. He’s lived all this time in the father’s house without even comprehending the gift it is just to be in his father’s presence, and without absorbing any of the other gifts his father longs to give him— compassion. Fulness. Peace. Contentment. He still thinks that life is a competition and that more gifts for one child means fewer gifts for the others. 

Both sons have been surrounded by abundance while still seeing only scarcity. They have looked at the gifts the Father has for them and felt like questioning those gifts, or even like running away screaming, instead of falling down in gratitude. 

As I’ve been thinking about this parable, I’ve been seeing it play out over and over in real life. One story goes like this:

A certain woman had two daughters. The daughters were not hers by birth. They had been born to parents who wasted their substance with riotous living. When the woman and her husband saw these daughters living in abuse and neglect, they had compassion on them, and took them into their own home. They put clothes on them, and shoes on their feet, and they said “let us eat and be merry, for we had no daughters, and they had no family, but now we have each other and can live in happiness together.”

So the daughters grew and were loved and cherished in their mother’s house. Because they had grown up in unhappiness, they were angry and sad and defiant sometimes. But they had warm beds and good food to eat, and the woman loved her children.

On the night before the older daughter’s 18th birthday, the woman baked a cheesecake, her daughter’s favorite. She wrapped birthday presents and put up balloons. But in the morning, she found her daughter’s bed empty, and a note in her room. It said, “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I don’t want to live in your house anymore. I want to live my own life, alone.”

The mother was devastated. She went to her own father’s house and cried to Him, “Father, I gave everything to my daughter. I gave her a home and love and a family. I tried to give her the kind of love I always felt from you. Now everything I did is for nothing. How can I continue to give gifts to my younger daughter, knowing it might happen again?”

My friend lived this story. And that’s a sad ending for a story that hopefully isn’t really over yet. But it brings up the same question: what does it mean to live in our Father’s house, and how we can receive that gift?

In my friend’s story, which daughter is lost? I can find four: the birth mother who originally lost her way. The older daughter who was saved but couldn’t recognize the gifts she’d been given. The younger daughter who was hurt by her sister leaving. And the adoptive mother who felt that her gifts might have all been given in vain. I know the Father loves all these daughters. He wants all of them to come home. He wants all of them to dwell in his house.

So again: What is the gift? What does it mean to live in our Father’s house?

I think it means learning to see our lives as the places of goodness and grace they are—even when we don’t have everything we want right now. It means being patient when things feel scarce, trusting in the abundance the father promises. It means staying on in our Father’s house when it might seem easier to leave.

To receive the gift of our Father’s house means to learn to care about our brothers and sisters as our Father cares about them. I think it means being willing to suffer when they leave his house, to feel the heavy sorrow of their absence. This is a chosen sorrow, not the involuntary sorrow of sin but the voluntary sorrow of loving others and feeling what they feel. It means accepting that the prodigal is not just “thy son” but “my brother.”

My friend, the adoptive mother, is learning what it means to live in the Father’s house. She is learning how to be like the Father—to give good gifts, and then watch her daughter reject those gifts and still not give up hope.

Living in our Father’s house means opening our eyes and learning to see where we really are. It means willingly living through the years of experience that will allow us to see a perfect day when it comes, and know that it is one. Living in our Father’s house means learning to trust that even the ugly, misshapen rock he sets down in front of us will, if we are willing to crack it open, turn out to be a beautiful geode full of sparkling crystals.

To live in our Father’s house means to accept the sorrow that comes from other people’s bad choices, in exchange for the joy of watching them come to themselves. It means learning to value both agency and obedience as much as the Father does.

Living in our Father’s house means being willing to keep laboring in the fields, keep watching and waiting at the window, for as long as it takes. It means waking up the morning after the feast and every morning after that, working to transform ourselves into people who love what the Father loves.

The ultimate example of what it would truly mean to live in our father’s house might be something like this:

A certain man had two sons. When the younger went and wasted his substance in riotous living, the elder stayed in his father’s house. He worked for his father. He did everything the father asked. He did his share of the work and his brother’s too, and he saw every day how much his father missed his younger brother.

One day the Father got word that his younger son was near death in a far country. He wept. His older son, sitting at the kitchen table with his father, said, “Father, I will go find my brother.” He went into the far country, asking everywhere for news of the boy. He walked through the inns and the gutters. He found all the places where his brother had left debts, and he paid the creditors with his own money. Finally, he found the pigsty where his brother had worked, and he saw him lying there in the mud, sick and wounded and hungry. The younger brother looked up and couldn’t believe his eyes. He said, “I wanted to go back to Father, but I didn’t have the strength, and I didn’t think anyone would want me.” The older brother said, “We want you.” He picked up his brother in his arms. He wrapped him in a blanket. And he carried him home to his father’s house. When they were yet a long way off, the father came running out to meet them. “Father, my brother is cold and hungry. Bring my own robe for him,” said the older boy. “Yes, and we will kill the fatted calf,” said the father. “Put my ring on his finger, and my shoes on his feet,” said the brother, “And let us eat and be merry,” said the father. And the older brother, rejoicing, carried his younger brother into his father’s house.

In fact, this is what our older brother did for all of us. Jesus Christ left the comfort of his father’s house, not because he didn’t recognize the gift it was to be there, but because he wanted to bring the rest of us back home to receive the gift too.

Whether we have just returned or we have been there a long time, living with gratitude in the father’s house takes effort. It involves sorrow. But ultimately, it is the greatest and most incomprehensible gift the Father could give us—it is the very meaning of eternal life: to know God and help our loved ones do the same. And as we work at that, side by side with our brother Jesus Christ, our Heavenly Father and Mother’s house will become our own eternal home. I bear my testimony that this gift is worth any cost, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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